Gone... @andanotherdayisgone-blog - Tumblr Blog

I'm tired of having the option to not be at Sam's. I'm tired of calling it Sam's place! I want it to be our place. I want to call it home! I mean. I already do but I want my stuff there. All of my stuff. I don't ever wanna sleep in a bed alone unless he's travelling again. I'm gonna talk to him about it as soon as I can. We're engaged so shouldn't I be living with him?? Maybe I'm being stupid. I don't know. I just want to be there.

Gone is getting so close to a million views! Which is great. But I was looking through the comments and people are making connections about Dad. The shit that hurts the most is

"He's so super supportive on all her social medias"

But that's only the case because he wants to keep up his good guy act! If they only knew how accurate that section of the video is... I don't want them to know, though. They'd look at me differently and I don't want that. I just wanna be Katrina Stuart. Not Katrina who's dad used to make sure her life was a living hell every day Stuart.

As soon as I'm married, I won't even have to hold on to his last name anymore. It'll be Katrina Golbach. No more Stuart. No more.

Sometimes I think about the things I've been blessed with. Amazing friends, a fiancé who is unfaulteringly loyal and loving, the career of my dreams, and health. Sometimes I don't understand what I did to deserve any of it. Sometimes I realize that I have everything and so many people have nothing. I wish I could give people what I have. The happiness and security and comfort. The love and trust and wealth. The cozy bed that I sleep in, the loving arms that hold me while I sleep, and the "hey just checking in" messages. The food on my table or the water in my tap. I wish I could do so much more for the world. Nothing is ever enough.

She's pregnant. Poor Monica is freaking out and I don't know how to help her. This is the most useless I've felt in a long time.

#**all in

I've never felt so high in all of my life. Amazing friends, a loving partner, my career is taking off... All the bullshit is behind me now. ALL of it. I'm sobbing because my heart is so full of love and happiness. I'm sobbing because I feel free for the first time in my entire life. I'm finally free.

Poor monica. I hope she feels better soon. Nausea is no fun and I haven't dealt with it in ages. Must suck even more on a ship. I'm just glad Remington is treating her well.

Self-para #1

Setting: cruise ship

[[MORE]]

Sam had slipped off for a nap and Katrina decided that one more major gift was needed for his valentine's day to be perfect. She hovered over him, pressed a kiss to his forehead, and slipped into the bathroom to change into the pink dress she'd bought for the cruise. Carrying her heels in hand so she didn't make noise, she headed out the door and disappeared into the ship's theater room. She'd managed to get a keyboard on the cruise without Sam's knowledge and set to work getting it put together on the small stage.

Kat had originally asked to borrow Colby's camera but he hadn't responded quickly enough and so she had decided to simply borrow Sam's. She would apologize later. She set the tripod up, pressed record and settled in behind the keys. Her hands rested in her lap for a moment before she spoke.

"Hey Sam. I know this is a little late and I'm sorry for that. But I wanted to do something else for you. I don't sing to you often enough so I thought I would change that today. A special video just for your eyes. So I hope you love it almost as much as I love you."

Her hands raised at last to the keys and the ivories pressed in under feather light touches, bringing forth the melody of one of Katrina's favorite songs. Her voice carried through the empty room, brown eyes closed as she lost herself in the music. But as the song drew to a close, her lids fluttered open again and she made eye contact with the camera. Eventually, the music trailed to an end and she was silent for a moment before continuing her speech.

"I've said this more times than I can count and maybe you're tired of hearing it by now. But you really did change my entire life. I didn't know what living was until I met you. I didn't know my heart could beat for anything other than to keep me alive," a pause as she swallowed a lump in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. "There are so many times when I feel like I just don't deserve you or the things you do for me. So many times when I thank God for making our paths cross because I don't know where I would have ended up without you. Before you, I was a broken girl from a dangerous home and you changed everything the first time you looked at me." Another pause, tears beginning to roll down her face though they may not have registered on camera. "I love you. Those words don't feel like enough because what I feel for you is so incredibly strong... but I hope that those three words can suffice for now. That you understand just how much you mean to me. My heart, my soul, and my life belong to you, Samuel John Golbach. Now and always."

With that, she wiped her face, stood to stop the camera, and sat down to take another long moment to cry. Happy tears. Finally, she made her way back to the suite, tucked his camera back in his bag, and settled on the couch in their room to scroll her phone until he woke again. He would find the video in time. Their life was just beginning.

#**all in

The nightmare and abuse that Gone is based on have nothing on the high I'm feeling tonight. Another day is gone but Sam's still here and he always will be. God, I'm so... this is where I was meant to be.

I'm getting married! I mean. I always knew I would end up with Sam forever but it's official! And Brendon is gonna walk me down the aisle since my father, ugh, won't be there. I'm floating. I feel like I'm floating.

I'm mildly worried about Colby. He's been so quiet lately and I'm not used to that from him. I hope he's doing alright and that everything is okay on his end. He's my best friend, guy wise, so I don't know what I'd do without him. Praying for him endlessly.

Addy will be on the cruise tomorrow and so I'll have someone else to hang out with finally.

Sam asked me how I would want to be proposed to when he picked me up tonight. Like if I would want it done in front of our friends or just between us. I told him that I thought it just be a just us and whatever camera he sets up kind of moment. Some girls might not want that moment recorded. I do. I want everything to have a concrete memory that I can look back at in twenty years. I want Sam. For the rest of my life. He's got the most perfect, loving heart. He takes care of me. He saved me. He really saved me.

You were wrong, Dad. You were so damn wrong. Look at me. Look where I'm going and what I've made it through. I made it through all the shit you did to me, all the horrible boyfriends, all the hard work. I made it and you're still a cruel drunk on his couch sulking in his bitterness.

How's that feel, Dad? How's it feel?

#abuse tw #alcohol mention

I wasn't joking when I told Oli that I feel so incredibly annoying sometimes. It's a dang miracle that Sam or Colby or Devyn or anyone even puts up with my stuff. I don't deserve it. Dad always told me that if I ever found anything, it wouldn't last because no one could ever tolerate me for too long without going insane. Maybe he was right.

On my mind heavy tonight

#**all in

I'm only posting this here so I can save it forever. My heart is so full when he's around.

#**all in #yes i meant to put this on my sideblog because of the selfie limit

lovepaintsuggestion

Soulmates are real, you taught me that. There is something that exsists within all of us that is deeper than love, and it is truly beautiful.

#**all in

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