ANDERS BUI

Art, music, photography, floating thoughts and erratic posts.

[andersbui]

The older I get, the more I give into experiences but the less I ruminate and pick apart my feelings or motivations.

I started to fall in love a few weeks ago for the first time in a decade. I probably realised it was happening at the same time I felt heartbreak and it's frustrating to finally feel the possibility of love open up again and then have it received by someone it shouldn't.

My life feels like it's always going to be in this constant flux and push and pull between these old and new "storylines" of my life. I'm 32 now, so it feels like the right time to have a better idea on how I can still narrativise my life and process my feelings but still actively participate in it - I'm very lucky to have a beautiful one!

[andersbui]

It's Saturday night in Adelaide and I've just settled into bed after a night with Quincy, Tom and a mishmash of our mates at the Exeter and it's been a year and one week since Jordan passed away. It's also the first time I've really seen those guys since it happened and my only opportunity to have one on one conversations about how we've experienced and internalised it and reminiscing about a period of time together and how special that friendship was. I often get bogged down with feeling really misunderstood by everyone that I've met since that time, like people don't understand where I'm coming from and it's sort of healing to hear from them, completely unprompted, that is exactly how they feel too.

I love coming home and while a part of me is always going to yearn for that same supportive and loving friendship, I also recognise that that's in the past but I'm happy that it happened at all.

[andersbui]

Those were some of the most precious days of my life. Old and new friends, past and star-crossed loves all converging within this five day trip. If this is supposed to be a lesson it feels like a demonstration of love; that I'm capable of being loved and giving it in return, I'll never forget the memories.

[andersbui]

Well, so far this year is underpinned by the kind of melodrama that I thought it would be.

A few weeks ago, my auntie (who is mute and has dementia) in Vietnam passed away and it was one of those serendipitous moments in my life where I feel like something compelled us to go to Vietnam as a family for the first time in 15 years and see her and I remember all of my family there gathered around me singing happy birthday and I looked across to the street where she was standing and in the noise of it all we locked eyes and just smiled and I kind of nodded at her and I feel like she saw and knew me in that moment, I'll never forget it.

Concurrently I've been trying to show up as a friend where I can for Ollie. I wished him a happy birthday last week knowing that he's going through chemotherapy and looking at his life in the eye at such a young age, it's been a trip to think about and I don't know what else I can do because I've never been in this situation before.

Next week, I see Rory in Sydney with my mate Mat before I go to Christchurch with Danny and Jenna in Queenstown for skydiving and then go to Jen and Kerry's wedding.

It's just occurring to me that each of these people represent a specific decade of my life - what does this mean?

On a personal level, I don't know if I'm regressing into the parts of me that is so eccentric and shy or if I'm just becoming who I always was supposed to be lol. Either way I still feel like I have this quirk and charm that makes people uncomfortable but at the same time kind of draws them to me, it makes me laugh because I see it so clearly on people's expressions.

It's only February..

Also P.S, I got drunk and booked a trip to Chile and will book a flight to Rio and spend four days in the Amazon what or who do I do this all for?

[andersbui]

How would you describe this year? I was fumbling around with my keyboard, typing and backspacing back and forth but I never landed on anything. Any emotion I try and tie to it feels like I betray all the other feelings I have about it because it's been the worst and best year of my life and I have love for all of it. Still, I can't believe how much more tragedy could be attached to this year since my last entry. I'm glad I got to spend time with Josh before rehab and that no one I know was physically hurt in Bondi.

This recent trip to Melbourne and Adelaide helped me remember that detaching myself from my environment makes my life feel so uniquely mine again and it's literally so easy to do if I need to feel a little extra love.

Next year I want to:

- Build on the relationships I already have and show up for the people I care about. Investing time and energy into anyone new is going to burn me out and dim the love I have for friends and family.

- Become better at my job. Actively seek out ways to get there and try to learn any way that I can.

- Stay creative. Art, music, movies and photography will always be my core and is what's going to keep me inspired.

I'm going to keep making space for growth, the crazy stupid stuff I get up to that keeps me smiling and maintain my sense of childlike wonder that makes me feel like me. In the meantime, I think I've got a good handle on things.

[heylsgowt]

[songstresssora]

So pretty -

[andersbui]

In the last couple weeks I've been reflecting again about my life, the people around me, and my behaviour.

I was watching something about Anthony Bourdain tonight and it made me think about how much I love my life and how I see a lot myself in his point of view and how he chooses to live his life. A lot of my issues leading up to my 20s kicked my ass and that translated to throwing all caution to the wind. No direction, no stable job, just lots of partying and drugs married with suicidal ideation for years.

There's a part of me that sees someone like Bourdain and it makes me scared that I'm always living on the cusp of going back to that place even if I don't feel it. If suicidal thoughts can happen to someone that seems to have life figured out at that age, it feels obvious that it could happen to me.

I can't believe how much tragedy has left a stain on this year and how much I'm being challenged, more than anything I've ever had to process in every year collectively up until this point.

Jordan's gone, Ratman almost died, Ollie is dying and Alex is about to find out if the lump is cancerous or benign.

It was healthy talking to Mat tonight, it made me think about my past and current relationships and maybe why I've felt emotionally withdrawn from people and I think it's maybe because of all of the things that have happened this year where I feel compelled to help and invest a lot of my energy to support my friends. Maybe it's taking a toll on me in ways I can't recognise yet until I have these conversations out loud.

I'm still having one of the most memorable and special years of my life and I'm in a good headspace but I wonder how many steps behind the intrusive part of myself is?

[andersbui]

I'm home after my whirlwind Vietnam trip, just eight days spent mostly between Sai Gon, Kien Giang and Can Tho.

It was always going to be a milestone trip; aside from celebrating my 32nd birthday overseas and it being 15 years since our last family trip, there's a weight to being back in dad's village. He's never felt compelled to share much about his life, we as siblings are always trying to make puzzle pieces fit together, but it's confusing rearranging pieces without the full picture.

And so through dad being back home and talking to his sisters, or visiting our uncle's grave, things have a way of unravelling a little and through learning little bits about him, I feel like I maybe understand bits about myself too. I don't know if I'll have any birthdays as important as this one felt, I'll never forget it.

Aside from that, I haven't stopped thinking about the afternoon we found the street in Rach Gia that mum grew up on and stopped by her high school friend's house, totally unplanned. She never married or had kids, and so just lives alone in the same neighbourhood her whole life.

The four of us kids are sitting across from mum, listening to her gasbagging with her friend and the heavy rain for an hour, I can't stop darting my eyes between the two of them and thinking about how differently their lives turned out and how easily it could've been the other way around.

After an hour, we decide to brave the rain and all stand up to give her a hug each. I'll never forget the image of us walking away, looking back at the woman smiling and looking back at me, alone in her house while the four of us are holding mum and shielding her from the rain.

I've contemplated the idea of solitude or having a family before, but I've never had something as visceral as the contrast between two women in their late 60s in such different circumstances slapped across me like that before.

I guess there's no resolve, but I think a lot of this trip made me sit with myself a bit and think about how I want to live my life and how to balance the parts of myself that are romantic and realistic. I had the best time.

[andersbui]

I thought I'd find time to process the last few months but it's almost 1am on a Wednesday, so instead I'll just recap what's been happening lately:

2025 Recap:

- Changed roommates for the first time since living here

- Left the organisation I worked at for most of my 20s

- One of my closest friends passed away and I had to sit with grief on a deeply personal level for the first time

- Dated someone for the longest time since my last and only relationship

- Going to Vietnam next week, the first family holiday in 15 years

- Turning 32 this week

What's been on my mind this week:

- Am I accomplishing or learning enough?

- Am I surrounding myself with enough people that enable or inspire that growth?

- I find it so easy to navigate and verbally express my emotions except when it comes to relationships - am I avoidant?

- I think my fixation on whoever I think I am or used to be is holding me back

I've spent a lot of my life, especially the last decade of it living pretty lawlessly, without much discipline. It's gotten me far, I've put myself through the wringer and worked hard in some ways, and have been carried by the bit of charisma I've got in others. I love my little life but I can't shake the dissatisfaction that permeates through everything this year!

A random post but it felt important to do and I'm harbouring something about all of these things and will probably expand on a few of them over the next few entries.

Also it's maybe something I can look back on in another decade and be like oh yeah that did happen.

[andersbui]

In the three years, I've been back to Adelaide, which is about nine times, this one stands out a little as I got to see people that I haven't seen or maybe even thought about in about five to eight years. It's surreal to revisit those relationships after all this time of actively putting in the work to become a fully fleshed person.

I haven't felt so much love in a room in a long time and it was affirming and healing in a way that I didn't know I needed to be healed and also gratifying to know that through conversations, I had an impact on someone's life all that time ago in the same way that they've impacted my formative adult years. It's good to be and feel alive.

[andersbui]

I used to have such a gripe with oversharing but talking to friends last weekend taught me to get over it because it's not even really about me.

Talking about the icky parts of life like addiction, grief and mental health opened up dialogue for them to talk through things they've been harbouring that they admitted they wouldn't have brought up otherwise.

I think I'm scattered with my feelings and sometimes talking to people and doing this can pull them out of me and shine a light on stuff that I didn't even know were there. It's nice that I can do that for people I care about too.

Things seem really nice at the minute but I saw a psych last week to just make sure I genuinely have a handle on things and that I'm processing things the right way and not just cramming as much into my life as a coping mechanism. I still hate how clinical it feels but I feel so much more equipped for these conversations now than when I saw one six years ago.

[andersbui]

I've always hated the idea of having to lose someone for it to be a catalyst to check in on your loved ones, but I guess maybe there is something tender about that, even if it does feel like a reflection of how self-absorbed adulthood can be.

The last week has made me think a lot about my friendships back home. I don't know many people in my life that feel like an accurate representation of who I am or have my best interests in mind but the boys back home really do.

I used to think it was a love of drinking, music and movies that drew us together, and it is but I think that was just one symptom of our neurosis. The way we pathologize ourselves, talked about it openly and uplifted each other is what made our friendship special. I'm forever so grateful for those memories and I've loved talking to each friend and having them reciprocate and affirm what a great time that was.

I guess I am feeling a little homesick in light of circumstances. My god it's been a hard year (it's March) so far, I think it's going to be important for me to internalise and write down my thoughts again and maybe it is a weird way to grieve but I just feel so compelled to let everyone know how much I love my friends.

Love you brother, glad we got to have one last sesh at The Howling Owl before Christmas.

[andersbui]

I’d convinced myself that I’d outgrown everyone from my past but I don’t know if it’s the decade spent video calling each other or finally getting to spend time with you in person a decade later but I can’t shake this feeling of this being the only situation in my life I never got to see through to the end.

I love my life and I think we’re both exactly where we need to be but I can’t help feeling this way.

[andersbui]

I’ve been on annual leave since Thursday last week and although it’s been purely a break from work, it’s the only chunk of time I’ve taken to process everything that’s happened this year so far (pure melodrama).

I spent a few days in Melbourne and tried not to stretch myself thin with plans this time around, I’m really glad I did that. I feel most myself when I’m flirting with the idea of another life, consuming art and seeing friends who I know are in my corner; something I probably don’t have a lot of or feel about with many people.

I don’t know where my neurosis and sense of inadequacy stems from, I’ve always struggled to connect with people on a personal level and I think that’s pushed me to being nomadic. Sometimes that can feel lonely but romantic at the same time.

Thanks to all the friends, new and old, who made me feel fun, loved and beautiful. I’m always my happy, optimistic self but I hadn’t felt those things in a little while now.

[andersbui]

Why do I journal less? My personal life is more eventful than it's ever been, my career is very slowly inching towards something more ambitious and I'm still learning a lot about myself living in Sydney.

So it it's not that I have less to say, maybe the pace of life as a 30-year-old is too frenetic to stop and reflect or maybe it's because I'm communicating more than I ever have with family and friends and internalise less than I did a decade ago?

Life continues to be weird sometimes, when I was a teen I remember thinking about my sisters and what I felt characterised them, their interests and point of view and then seeing those things shift or disappear just by circumstance of getting older. I'm starting to see that happen to me a little, I fall in an out of love with the things that I thought defined me and I've been thinking about that and my relationship with myself and age lately.

I don't know why but I'm excited for the next time that I feel the urge to write something here again, there is so much to say.

[andersbui]

I'm on a 17 hour flight on my way home to Sydney from Dallas. Its the longest I've ever flown alone, and the first time I've ever travelled solo.

So much of this has been good; I wanted to create memories, tie them to being 30 this year, and test how comfortable I really feel in my own company.

The good:

- I can spend a few hours alone in contemporary art galleries

- I learned that I enjoy eating dinner alone

- Curt is a wonderful friend and host and has shown me it's possible to have friends you can talk to all day and feel totally at home with (I forgot how much I fold and mute the way I speak until I meet the right people)

- I experienced my first ever Thanksgiving at Bill & Linda's (felt like a Texan Wife Swap fantasy)

- I got to experience snowfall not just once, but twice in Chicago (so cool!)

- Beautiful nature and landscapes + people I'm comfortable with is absolutely what makes my holidays memorable

The learnings:

- Any longer than 3-4 days solo does make me go a little crazy and lonely (thank you Clinton for getting COVID during my Chicago leg, very disappointed but still a good lesson)

- God love Rory, he's still family but we should never have big nights drinking together ever again

- Give yourself more options; lock in more than one person per city/country to meet next time and go somewhere with interesting/fun tours

I have a weird relationship with my mental health. I feel like I have high EQ and try to approach my feelings in a meta cognitive and deliberate way (writing helps), but melancholy always feels like my default and anything positive feels like it's in spite of myself despite having much more happy days than sad ones?

I'm going through a weird period at the moment, and I think its a mix of romances, career and finances but it's okay, I thought about it in a poetic way; this point in time is just an imperfect little image in the tapestry of my life.

[andersbui]

I get these fleeting moments of sadness sometimes, but somewhere between that and meloncholy, when I'm heading towards a new phase in life and i think its equal parts me trying to be brave but feeling like i could use someones hand to hold and then also mourning a part of myself knowing that things wont be the same as they were.

It kind of aches a little but upliftingand as I'm laying in bed, the morning of going on my first solo travel, it all ties into how ive been feeling and what ive been writing about lately...

Do it for her (im her)!