Hey guys! This imagine is loosely based off of the song “Back To December” by Taylor Swift. I hope you like it! ( @tyrus-is-endgame-fight-me )
Word Count: 3143 (wHOOPS)
It was the beautiful and chilly month of February in Shadyside.
The sidewalks were lined with long grasses and colorful flowers all around, the sun out and beaming with the clouds occasionally blocking it from the town.
It was around 23° on this fine Wednesday, around 6 or 7 p.m.
TJ Kippen was strolling around town, no specific reason. He just wanted to go for a walk. He stuck his earbuds in, clicked on Pandora and that was that.
TJ found himself in the neighborhood of his ex-boyfriend, Cyrus Goodman. He decided he’d hold his breath, and continue his walk.
With every passing minute he came closer and closer to passing Cyrus’ house. He felt himself going slower as he passed the house, coming to an almost complete stop.
He looked over the house, just observing and remembering. He even saw the silhouettes of Leslie and Todd in the living room.
TJ simply smiled softly to himself, he couldn’t help but wonder how they’re doing. He always loved being at Cyrus’ house and being around his folks. All four of them. They were so kind and funny, they treated him like part of the family even before he and Cyrus were together.
TJ blinked back small tears and continued with his walk before he got home, and went directly to bed.
The following day at school, TJ was exiting the gym and getting ready to head to his last period when his body came to a halt.
He saw Buffy and Cyrus talking at Cyrus’ locker. “Hey Cy, I haven’t seen you much today.” Buffy spoke.
“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been kinda dodging everyone today.” Cyrus said, sounding gloomy. TJ wished he could fix whatever was wrong.
He listened to Buffy and Cyrus talk. It was nothing major, he shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, but he couldn’t help himself. Buffy and Cyrus took off, or so he thought. As he was walking and not paying attention, he came in contact with someone else’s smaller frame.
“Sorry, I—” TJ’s breath hitched when he recognized Cyrus’ voice. “Oh, hi TJ.” He said. “Hey Cyrus.” TJ replied. They stood in silence for a few seconds. “How are you?” Cyrus asked.
“I’m okay, I—I guess. You?” He stammered nervously over his words. Cyrus shrugged, a semi blank yet painful look on his face. “I’ve been alright.” His voice hardened, but not too harshly. Cyrus was visibly tense, so TJ sighed and pushed past him, mumbling a quick “sorry” as he left.
TJ didn’t even go to class. He went to an empty classroom where he would most likely not get caught. He knew he wouldn’t. This wasn’t the first time he’d gone there, and it surely wouldn’t be the last.
He sat on the floor in a corner, fidgeting with his fingers and staring off. His mind was racing with different thoughts. Everyone being about Cyrus.
He understood why Cyrus was so, what was the word? Cautious? Careful? Guarded? All of those. They hadn’t spoken in months, and their last conversation wasn’t exactly one he was proud of.
“Hey Teej!” Cyrus said excitedly, approaching the swings they frequently visited together.
TJ took a deep breathe, muttering a quick “hey” as Cyrus swiped the snow onto the ground and took a seat on his usual swing.
Cyrus almost instantly furrowed his brows together in confusion, a look of concern crossing his features. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, reaching over to grab one of TJ’s hands.
TJ snagged his hand away and crossed his arms, his body facing away from his boyfriend.
Cyrus decided to pretend that didn’t hurt his feelings, and kept trying to see what was wrong with TJ.
“TJ,” Cyrus said softly. “What happened? Talk to me.” Cyrus pried.
TJ wouldn’t even look at him. He couldn’t, he knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to go through with this.
TJ tried to blink away the tears forming in his eyes, turning even further form Cyrus. “We need to break up.”
Cyrus just about jumped. He surely had to have heard TJ wrong, right? TJ didn’t say that.
“What? I’m sorry I think I heard you wrong. I thought you said—” TJ cut off his sentence. “That we need to break up? Yeah, that’s what I said.” TJ said, trying to cover the pain in his tone with bitterness.
Cyrus froze. “W-What?” Was all he could muster. He swore he’d start crying if he said anything else.
He stood up quickly, walking around to TJ’s front side. TJ stood up as well but looked away. “Move, please. I have places to go.” He mentally cursed himself for how he was acting, but he had to do it.
“I—uh— wait—I'm—” Cyrus couldn’t even form words. If he tried, it came out as word vomit. “Why?” He asked.
TJ didn’t respond. He still avoided eye contact. “TJ, look at me.” Cyrus almost demanded. Still, TJ was stubborn. “This, this is a sick joke right? Like you’re just trying to pull an asshole move or something?” Cyrus felt his voice shake as he talked. He hated that he couldn’t keep it steady.
“No it’s not.” TJ said, staring at his feet, mastering a cold tone. “I have to go. We’re done.”
TJ stepped past him, his shoulder bumping and brushing against Cyrus’. Cyrus spun around and grabbed TJ’s arm, pulling in almost in a circle. “Just tell me what happened. Obviously something did.” Cyrus pointed out.
“Nothing happened.” TJ hissed. “This was a mistake.” That still wouldn’t do it.
“A mistake?” Cyrus almost could laugh. “If it was a mistake, why’d you let it go on for six months, huh? Why’d you stay with me, she. You could’ve easily left me sooner?” He challenged. “If I am correct, if it was a ‘mistake’ you wouldn’t have cared about sparing my feelings so don’t even use that excuse, TJ.”
TJ sucked in air deeply, releasing it in almost a growl. “Can you just leave it? I already said this is done and told you why.”
“No, you didn’t actually. You’re lying to me. I know you TJ, and I know you’re an awful liar.” Cyrus hissed out.
“Or— Maybe you were just wrong about me this whole time. Maybe I’m just a prick after all, and maybe I want you to leave me alone and let me go on as who I am.” TJ said harshly. He forced out the tone of slight anger, trying to make it seem more real, like he was annoyed.
Cyrus’ breathing picked up, his desperation was starting to make its place in his body each time he spoke, as much as he tried to hide it. “But you aren’t! TJ you’re a good person. I know that, you know it too. I know you do.”
TJ stayed quiet as Cyrus started thinking out loud. “This, this is an act. I know it is. I, you, we— we love each other. I love you, you love me. We’re boyfriends, we— Uh, you… I remember you told me you love me. And all things you love about me too. And you pay attention to me and you care for me and you’re trustworthy and an overall good person so I don’t understa—”
“It’s not an act! This is who I am Cyrus. And I am not your boyfriend. Not anymore. I already told you, we’re done. All of it was fake. My feelings were fake,” He had to stop and swallow before saying “I don’t love you.”
It was that moment that the words left TJ’s lips that Cyrus broke. The tears he’d been keeping in, the rage and anger he’d locked in, the pure disgust and feeling of betrayal all let loose.
He stepped up to TJ, looking him right in the eye even if TJ wasn’t returning eye contact. He swung and hit TJ in the chest. Cyrus’ fists repeatedly struck TJ on the chest, his tears falling. TJ finally grabbed Cyrus by the arms and looked at him— like truly looked at him for the first time this entire conversation.
He felt his heart break. He felt the self hatred wedge itself into his mind. He saw the pain he caused Cyrus, that he wished he could take back. Cyrus ripped his arms away from him.
“You were right Kippen. You’re just a cold hearted jerk! You’re a jerk and a liar, and I should have never let you help me get that muffin!”
Ouch. TJ thought, watching as Cyrus walked away. When he was out of ear shot, he broke. He was sobbing loudly In his hands before his knees buckled beneath him and he fell to the ground.
Even though he knew it was for the best, it didn’t make it hurt any less.
That day, that awful day that changed everything was December 12th.
I’m such an ass. TJ told himself. I should’ve waited longer, till I knew completely. The dismissal bell rung, signaling the students to leave. He stood up and dash out of the classroom, making his way to the bus and sitting in his regular seat with his things. He looked at the date, February 12th.
It was two months since the break up. Two months since he ruined his own relationship.
The bus stopped, and he saw it was his stop. He walked home, going instantly to his room and sitting on the floor and facing the window. Two months. Two whole months it had been since he had Cyrus at his side. He felt so guilty still, he wanted to apologize and explain his actions and lies but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to find Cyrus, pull him aside, and explain everything.
He saw his reflection and he saw a coward. A coward who was feeling bad for himself when he brought it upon himself. Just for it to mean nothing in the end, and probably hurt even more for Cyrus since he never got some sort of closure.
He knew if it was the other way around, and Cyrus broke up with him out of the blue with no explanation and said the absolutely awful and cruel things TJ said, he would hardly be able to sleep at night. He’d go insane trying to figure out why. And knowing Cyrus, he probably was.
But who knows, maybe he moved on. Maybe he didn’t care about TJ. Maybe he even hated TJ. Hell, TJ hated TJ.
Amber walked into her twins room, seeing him sulking by the window. “Hey TJ.” She said carefully, making her way over to her brother.
“Hey.” He mumbled. “You’re thinking about him aren’t you?” She asked. He simply nodded. “It’s almost been two months.” He said. Amber looked at him sympathetically, “T, you’re my brother and I love you. You know that, but you also should’ve listened to me and waited till things were final. Had you waited two more days—” “I fuckin’ get it, okay?! I screwed up. I don’t need you reminding me too.” He hissed.
TJ instantly felt bad. Amber stood up and went to leave when he called out. “I’m sorry, okay? Today was just rough on me.”
She stopped and turned back around. “It’s okay, and I get it. I would be acting the same way if I was in your position.” Amber told him, sitting back down by his side.
“What should I do?” He asked almost inaudibly. “I think you need to apologize. Explain to him the situation. Cyrus is a forgiving person, and he’ll understand you were just trying to protect him—” “—in an extremely shitty way?”
“Yeah.” She said. After talking to Amber for a few more minutes, he decided he’d do it. He’d go find Cyrus, see if he’ll hear him out, and apologize.
Even if he’s lost Cyrus forever, due to himself, he needed to know that Cyrus knew why. So that began his jog to Cyrus’ house.
His heart was pumping and the blood was rushing through his veins. The pit in his stomach that hadn’t left in two months was more present than it ever had been, and it only felt like two seconds before he was in front of the door and knocking.
He stared at the wood porch flooring, waiting and waiting. He knocked again, waiting a little longer.
Just as he was about to turn and leave, Leslie answered the door. “TJ! What a surprise.” She said with a warm smile.
That surprised TJ. Surely she knows everything and hates him. I mean, come on He thought.
“Hi Mrs. Goodman, uh, can I talk to Cyrus? Please? If not it’s fine—” She cut him off by holding one finger up.
“Cyrus! Someone’s here for you!” She shouted. “Would you like to come in?” She offered. He shook his head, “Could me and him go on a walk by any chance?” He lowly asked. She nodded. “Cy, make sure your being a warm jacket down!”
TJ shivered in his thin hoodie, realizing he shouldn’t brought a jacket. It was snowing a decent amount, and the wind certainly didn’t help.
He and Cyrus finally met gazes. “Thanks mom, we’ll be back soon. Love you.” Cyrus quickly said before stepping out side with the door closing behind him.
They stood on the porch, staring at one another. “Could we walk?” TJ asked. Cyrus motioned for him to go on, which began their awkward and silent walk.
TJ was nervous still, but he finally decided to speak up. “This was really random, I know. But I need to explain something.” He said hesitantly. Cyrus stopped, looking at TJ with a look saying “go on”.
“You, I, you—we, I um, I’m…” TJ stammered on. “Spit it out.” Cyrus said, much harsher than intended as his heart and body ached with pain.
Worried that Cyrus would get fed up and walk away, he began talking really fast and in confusing circles.
“Cyrus, I’m so sorry that I broke up with you and that I hurt you without any explanation. I was lying when I said our relationship was a mistake, and that I didn’t love you, I thought it would be what was best for you and I took it too far and I’m so sorry for everything I said. There’s no excuses for anything except I am an asshole who decided to lie as a way to protect you and—”
“TJ!” Cyrus shouted. “Slow down. Gather your thoughts, I’m not going.” He said, speaking softer than before.
“My dad, he… he lost his job in December. My mom was laid off at work, and we were gonna lose our house. My parents told my sister and I that we were more than likely moving out of Shadyside.” TJ explained, talking at a normal and understandable pace.
Cyrus looked confused. “Why does that have to do with our break up?” He asked. “I didn’t have the heart to tell you we could have been leaving. I thought for sure we were going and that we were going soon, so I thought breaking up with you and making you hate me wouldn’t hurt as much, but it did. And it does. And I’m so sorry for lying to you and for hurting you. You didn’t deserve one bit of it.” TJ continued with a sad and teary sigh. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I needed you to know that. Ive owed it to you.”
He waited for Cyrus to say something, anything. But nothing. “I’ll leave you alone, I’ll leave you alone forever if you want that. But please no I am so, so sorry.” His voice broke mid sentence, and he turned and started making his way home.
“I still love you.” TJ froze dead in his tracks. Tears rolled off his cheeks as he looked back at Cyrus, who had tears of his own staining his face. “I never stopped, I don’t know if I can.”
Cyrus slowly stepped toward the blonde haired boy, placing a gentle arm on his bicep and turning him around.
“Look, TJ…” Before Cyrus could continue,he was cut off. “Cyrus—” Cyrus shook his head. “Let me talk.” TJ quickly shut up. “Teej, what you said to me, it hurt me. A lot. It broke my heart beyond belief, and I never thought I’d be happy again,” He started. TJ felt his heart beat rapidly as he waited for Cyrus to continue. “You lies to me and broke up with me without any reason. For that, I don’t think I can fully forgive you yet.” He continued on.
Cyrus grabbed one of TJ’s hands, “But, I love you. And I want to try this again.” TJ almost started bawling. “Cyrus I— you don’t know how happy that makes me to hear that, but how? I hurt you so bad, I told you I didn’t love you! Which was the biggest lie. I said things I can and never will be able to take back, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much for how I hurt you. Cy, I love you so so so much and I hurt you…” TJ rambled on and on.
“I don’t care about any of that!” Cyrus exclaimed, cupping TJ’s face in his hands. “I love you, and sometimes love is gonna hurt and is gonna be hard, I’ll forgive you eventually, it’ll take time, but I want— no, need you in my life again. I need you back, Teej.”
TJ couldn’t believe it. So much was happening at once, and he couldn’t help but start sobbing. Cyrus pulled him into his shoulder, allowing him to cry in his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I,” TJ paused. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me.” Cyrus whispered. “There’s no need.” He patted TJ’s back, and he soon pulled away and wiped his eyes.
They rested their foreheads on each other’s, their breathes mixing to create one between them. Cyrus was the one to close the gap, standing on his tip toes and leaning forward, connecting their lips. The kiss said so many things. It said I’m sorry, it said I love you, it said don’t leave me and it said I’ve missed you so much.
The words stuck unspoken, they both knew to was true. That didn’t keep TJ from saying “I love you so much” against the brunette boy’s lips. Cyrus pulled away, “I love you too.” He said in a soft and sweet voice. A happy voice. A loving voice. Cyrus grabbed TJ’s hands.
“You’re freezing! Let’s get you to inside, ASAP!” TJ chuckled but didn’t argue. He and Cyrus stayed inseparable from then on, they were madly in love and they knew it too.
Nothing, nothing would keep them and their love apart ever again.
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