an update; for myself because i don’t really care if anyone else cares.
It’s been over four months of building myself up from a scooped out shell of who i was before. I’ve been stagnant at (most) times and fiercely productive at others. I haven’t taken the time to be proud of myself for the stagnation and accepting that some days, what i’ve needed is to just lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. My heart is constantly telling me to get the fuck out of bed and do something, anything. To improve myself and be someone better than I was before. I don’t want to be no one. But I didn’t realize that on those days, that’s just what I needed. I’m still learning to be proud of and accept that stagnation, but the only way to do that is to bounce back from it and become, once again, fiercely productive. To take all of those bottled up emotions and feelings and put them into something greater. I haven’t even realized it, but i’ve taken all this down time to reflect. Reflecting on four years of such high highs and low lows. Falling and standing back up again.. countless times. From 17 to 21, i’ve gone through so much crazy shit I couldn’t even begin to explain it all to someone. Four months ago, it all hit me in the face at once that I wasn’t my own person anymore. And although through these important ages, i had learned to really like myself and become someone i admired, I never truly loved myself and treated myself with the respect I deserve. So now, I’m constantly thinking about how life is both the most meaningless thing to exist, but maybe it’s also the most meaningful thing because it’s all there is. Does this mean nothing really matters? Or does everything matter? And if i finally choose to believe one or the other, will that really change the way I live?
Blah blah, whatever. Through the shit that i’ve been through, I came out terrified, naked, alone, and incredibly damaged. I convinced myself I was weak, but, through reflection, I now know I am strong. My heart, despite going through what it’s been through, remains one of the softest fucking things you’ll ever come across. Probably even softer now, just a few more walls protecting it. I care more about the people in my life and their happiness than I do anything else. I’m still me, i’m just constantly getting better and better.
I still crave that affection and acceptance from someone. I still don’t like being alone. Being single and not having a solid interest has been completely isolating and liberating at the same time. But, God, am I ready for her when she comes. Trying to trust the world will bring the right person to me. The person I deserve, and deserves me. I cant wait to fearlessly pour my love into someone that deserves it. I don’t deserve to be crushed again, and I’m hoping the world sees that.
Despite this post seeming so positive at most points, I am still not at all where I want to be in my pursuit for happiness. I’m sad and stagnant quite often still, but I’m pushing to change that. Saying goodbye to the shitty first half of 2019 and hello to the second half.. hopefully it will be less life-changing and more life-building.
I don’t know, i have to go to work. bye ~
stormborns
kaledo-art
titsay
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
