im not here to exist

a place to put my words

[andwefell]

I woke up the middle of the night it happened

I woke up in a blind panic

Heart racing, stomach heaving

No idea why my body was acting so violently

But later when I found out what you had done

Who you had fucked that night

It fell into place

I woke up to our bond shattering

Our three years scattered like dust

My body in that moment knew your betrayal

Knew it like I knew every dip in your skin

Skin someone else was kissing

You broke our tether that night

Grabbed the line that connected my heart to yours

And tore it out

Pulling my heart from my chest from halfway across town

Leaving me to bleed out and to panic

While you fucked another person

[andwefell]

i’m not sure its just that for my whole life my death has always been this tool i could use for vengeance. something i could use to get people to notice me. to make them feel bad for how they treated me. but with you. i imagine you looking at me in a casket and my heart drops. i know how much you love me. how much i love you. and i dont want to hurt you. i dont need to prove to you  the pain im in now because you already know and you listen to me and support and comfort me. i have no regrets with you. nothing to prove. i just want to be with you

[andwefell]

There’s something about being out in dry air

A dried layer of sweat on my skin

The kiss of a breeze as the sun sets

Stretching over rough concrete

The smell of freshly cut grass

That makes me feel at home

[andwefell]

i’ve felt incredibly fragile this last week, but tonight is a different kind. i feel like anything could shake me, could change my world right now, like listening to the right song could pierce me to the bone and vibrate my whole being. i feel vulnerable, wide open, ready for everything to shatter around me. just to become something new. like the right lyrics could break me, let the light in

[andwefell]

It's nights like these when i feel close to realizing i have a reason to be here

I feel like the world is closing in around me but I am able to push it back and bend it to my will.

That i could go out in the middle of the night and fold the sky around me just to be closer to the stars

That air exists to be breathed into my lungs

That tears are my body’s way of shedding it's skin 

That i can feel like this and still exist and still matter

And be alone but bursting open

That i can be wounded by others but scar and love again 

And i want to be alive and i want to try and explore this emotion inside of me 

That i want others to feel it too 

to share this fullness

To understand these feelings but never come close to mastering them because they are meant to change 

To dedicate myself to words, to story, to life

[andwefell]

When i feel the edge of an emotion on my throat i go for a walk

I visit the graveyard on campus and the lush grass behind the library

But so far i haven’t been able to set foot off campus

And it nips at me

That cowardness

That aimlessness i cant comprehend

Im never going to be brave enough to be who i want to be

[drownedoutwords]

You keep asking how i am

And i see it in your eyes, what you mean,

I see the way you furrow your eyebrows and i imagine your eyes have flickered over my wrists, god knows you used to trace my scars when we were curled into eachother

But what do you want to hear?

How i wanted to disappear so bad i became my own distruction?

That we ripped my heart out, but neglected to put it back?

That i had to sit down on the shower floor, because i started to get dizzy when i saw blood?

Or that i felt better burning because fire cleanses?

All of that is true, but it doesnt mean ill say it,because

Were not in a place where i want to be vulnerable anymore

29 Nov, 2019 // Wisteria Words

[andwefell]

I'm discovering myself with you

Every kiss every nip

My heart catches fire when you smile

My chest eases in your embrace

I'm coming alive under your touch 

Learning what it means to be wanted

Falling, falling, falling 

But always being caught

[andwefell]

It gets colder here

But i love the chill against my bones

The ice in my lungs

I’m going out every night to walk among the graves

Easing the burning inside of me

[andwefell]

ive got sunshine and gold in my veins

[andwefell]

Ive tried so hard to be cared about

But i never get anywhere

I never occupy anyones thoughts

I think about how little you think of me

And i want to tear my throat out

[sun-jelly]

cant wait to go on my roadtrip with someone i love and listen to florence the whole time and belt my heart out

[andwefell]

I want a million reasons  to jump into that sunset

[andwefell]

I want to slip my nails under my skin and explore my pulse

I’m tired of waiting for a sunrise thats not coming

[andwefell]

it’s a clear night

windless

still

calm

and quiet

the moon is out

just about full

ive never bathed in moonlight before now

i feel serene

not too full

not too empty

just existing

tranquil

but the moon cannot mask the lonely space around me

can’t quite pierce my chest

i guess not even celestials are enough to heal me

[andwefell]

I feel a certain sense of calm whenever a flock of birds flies by

It reminds me that nature is still alive

That some things never change

[andwefell]

Crickets remind me of childhood

They calm me 

Make my mind feel young and fresh again 

Light in an otherwise constant heaviness