So this Friday, on the 19th, is my dad's funeral.
This one really dragged out with a few holidays in between and the fact that he passed away in another state.
And I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been in absolute denial. There were many many tears. There still are many tears when something reminds you of him, you have something you really want to tell him, you cook something he would've liked or you're in the mood for a meal he used to make.
But the brain is stupid. It can be tricked so easily. Once all the arrangements were pretty much set up, all the paperwork was filed, and we had to somehow do life again, it was so easy to pretend he was just at the hospital or just not there at the moment. Of course I knew. I'm barely at home unless it's for sleeping because I'm afraid of being alone. But sometimes it was easy to pretend. There was no funeral yet, so there wasn't a final definite cut yet, right? No final goodbye.
Well. The funeral is around the corner. I'm obviously awake at 2am and alone at home, and suddenly it's hit me hard again.
June was my concert month and my dad 100% supported my expensive and kind of crazy concert hobby. He'd always call me whether I was going by train or by car. Asking what route I took, how long it took, if I got there okay. And wished me fun. If I took too long to call him, he'd call and check why I hadn't called yet...was the train delayed (usually!), was there a traffic jam on my way, was the car okay, did I just forget cause I was in a hurry?
I've had 6 concerts so far this month, and everytime I cried a little when I realised there would not be a call coming in. No one checking in on me.
I'm so so much like my dad and it just becomes clearer now that he's missing.
Not just the cooking and driving, the jokes...our humor was the exact same...whenever I make a joke that my mom and sister don't laugh about, I miss sharing a laugh with him. I miss the stupid calls too. When he'd call me just to give me a random piece of information. Sometimes even at work and I'd call him back worriedly...only for him to tell me to bring a newspaper on my way to their place in the afternoon or just to check if I was really going to the store today. When he was at the hospital, he called me at 1am cause he accidentally turned on the flash of his phone and didn't know how to turn it off 😂 I miss that so much. My mom never really calls, she's usually the one to get the call.
I have my family, I know. But I'm putting all my energy into taking care of my mom at the moment because she's on crutches with a really bad knee she probably needs surgery for. I cook for her, I clean for her. And I do that for her, no question. But also for me. Cause if I'm not at her place taking care of her, I'm at my place all alone. Alone with my thoughts. And I don't really have anyone check in on me. I'm too afraid to get lost in my depression again.
The one friend I thought I could rely on was the biggest disappointment of all. Cancelled our entire weekend plans short notice for something minor like it was no big deal. Even though I repeatedly sent her voice messages telling her how excited I am and asking if the plans still stand - she never listened to the messages. Other friends live too far away and can only help with occasional messages. And tbh that scares the shit out of me. My mom and I love each other but I never realised how much my dad made sure to check in on me. Like when he'd call me to ask if I got somewhere safe whereas my mom would just go "you didnt text you got there last night" when I'd call her the next day or realise late that I hadn't messaged her. It feels very lonely to know you're not high enough on anyone's list for them to come check in on you.
Anyway...I should try to get my usual 3 hours of sleep before I start the day again. There's still a few things that need to be prepared for Friday. My bunnies want their breakfast in time and the washing machine and dryer are set in timer as well.
