I'm an overthinker and people-pleaser, so I keep wondering if I'm doing my friend entirely wrong but at the same time I don't feel like I can forgive her at the moment.
I don't have many friends. I have, or I thought I had, two friends who I've known for like 16 years and who I would stay with me through thick and thin.
I have a few concert buddies who I know will spent and travel an entire tour with me. We're close as long as the tour goes and then we keep in touch until the next event, just not as closely.
I have a few colleagues I like and definetely would also do things with as a team event.
But there's no one I'd dare to consider my best friend. They all have better friends. I don't get invited to weddings, big birthdays or barbecues. And I've come to terms with it, that's fine. I do my own thing.
But one of my oldest friends...
Backstory real quick: she got married in 2020, had her kid in 2022. But they've always been this fiery, strong-headed couple whose fights would be big. When they got married, they claimed "we're only doing this as long as this works" and when their son was a couple months old, my friend told me "I'd love to have a second kid one day, but with another man".
Cut to October/November 2025...they agree to split up. No big surprise to anyone. But their fights keep being big, she still lived with him but would often stay with her parents. By DECEMBER, she had met someone and he became her secret new boyfriend.
And that's fine, really. But obviously the split wasn't that hard on her.
So for the next few months (and my dad started being sick more often in January - we couldn't leave him alone anymore and he stayed at the hospital more than at home), I supported her. I went to dinner with her in January. We'd sent voice messages all the time (thats our usual way of communicating). When she was searching for her own apartment, I helped her search and sent her apartments that fit her criteria. She eventually chose an apartment she had found and I was so glad she'd be back in town come May.
I was her alibi when she wanted to meet up with her new boyfriend and not tell her still-husband. She'd come over for half an hour, we'd talk, contact her husband and then She'd leave to be with her boyfriend.
And then my dad had that stroke in April.
And I'd sent her daily updates via voice message. And after a few days I realised that she never answered to any of my questions in her replies. She'd basically go "Oh god that's so horrible. I hope you stay strong, I cant imagine what you're going through. Call me if you need me." and then proceeded to update me on her situation.
And thats fine. I always answered. But I was with my family 24/7. My replies came at night on my walk home or early in the morning on my walk to work. And I never call people. In our 16 years of friendship, I have never just called to talk.
I'd give her time frames I'd be free. I'd tell her to just give me a day and we could just hang out with a pizza at my place and cry together about our lives. She never replied to any of that.
Then one day she suggested we have lunch together as she's currently "sick" at home. I agreed, cause she's my friend and I didnt want to start anything.
Anyway, she picked me up and proceeded to leave me alone to order food at the place. She was talking to her new boyfriend on the phone. She was still talking when I came out with our order. And once in her car, she connected her phone with her headphones so she could continue the call. We ate real quick at her new/empty apartment and talked a little but there wasnt much time left. And then she wondered whether she has to drive me back to work now (??? Yes. You picked me up. I exceeded my lunch break while you talked to your boyfriend for 20 minutes. How else am I gonna get back to work?)
She was gonna move back to town soon and I told her I couldn't really give her much of my time to help moving at the moment but I'd happily clean her windows and she can come to my work without an appointment to register back in town.
She kept making an issue of the registration, claiming we're doing it wrong (we're not. And even if we were, there would be zero negative aspect for her personally). I was barely at work, I was barely at home. My dad had been sent to another state and we kept driving back and forth.
And I just got tired of talking to her.
My questions were left unanswered. I always got the same sort of replies. And it dawned on me that she didnt listen to them.
We had plans for the end of May. All the way since January. And in my messages I kept telling her unless something happened THAT DAY, our plans are still on and I was looking forward to it - getting my mind off things. She never said anything about it.
And then my dad passed away Mid-May. It took me a few days to tell people...cause that would make it real.
Told my friend. Got a sweet reply that she remembers my dad fondly and that she's sorry. I could call if I wanted to.
Okay, there's really not much else to say. But still. Im not a caller. I prefer meeting up over calling. So it stayed with voice messages...also how would she have time for my calls if she obviously can't find the time to listen to my messages?
Kept telling her we could meet up for pizza and a good cry, she could bring her kid if needed. Kept telling her our May plans are still on.
No comment on either of those things. Three days before the plans were supposed to be, I finally sent her a message only asking her about the plans and how we were gonna do it.
Turns out. She can't come. Theyre putting up her kitchen that day and thats why she can't come to our 8pm plans. Okay? Weird timeline to begin with and could've been planned on another day but sure I'll act like I believe you. And then she said she had already talked to a friend of hers and she wants to see the play too, she'd fill in for her.
First of all...I have met said friend only once and second of all...why did she have time to find someone to fill in for her but she had zero time to talk to me about it? Plus, my friend hadn't even paid her ticket yet. So she had no claim to it anyway. I told her I'll find someone else.
I went with my sisters best friend instead. But all other plans...the dinner and the club, I cancelled and went to bed early that day.
And I was so disappointed and mad because I really needed that break with a good friend...I didn't really message her anymore after that. I had bigger problems in my life.
Eventually her registration was a topic again and I initially told her to come by, I'd do it even though I wasnt in that shift that week. But then she started the entire "you're doing it wrong" discussion again. Literally nothing negative comes from our "wrong" system that isn't wrong. Anyway, she annoyed me so much that I told her to get in line cause I was too busy after all and couldn't get her in. Then I hid in our back office until I was sure she was gone.
For my dad's funeral there came nothing from her. No message. No card. No call. Nothing.
Last time I texted her was June 12th. No reply after that anymore. Just a random text the other day warning me that a certain person is working at our local pub again.
And that's the entire thing...and still I feel like maybe I have no right to be angry and disappointed. She separated from her husband after all. But at the same time, she puts her new boyfriend before me, didn't listen to my messages and didn't check in wanting an actual answer. And if you ever need a friend to be there for you, it's definetely the loss of a parent. And she wasnt there for me - at all, at any time. I was close with my dad. I am basically my dad in female. There's no time I will ever need her this much ever again. If I can't count on her in this situation...how can I trust her to be there for me for other things?
I never expect anyone to put me first. But not making the list at all over someone shes known for a few months genuinely hurt. And I don't know if I even have a right to be mad. But I definitely don't think I can count on her to be there for me anymore. And I'm certainly not on the mood to talk to her...i talked and talked for months and got no real reply.
