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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
trying on a metaphor
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Janaina Medeiros
hello vonnie
todays bird
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Cosimo Galluzzi
taylor price
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Discoholic 🪩
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
macklin celebrini has autism
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Sweet Seals For You, Always
will byers stan first human second
RMH
Origami Around
seen from Malaysia
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@andyourhostkristenwiig
I mean...I don't watch television these days and I certainly don't care about the Emmy awards. But how on earth Kristen and the cast of Palm Royale didn't get anything at all is a mystery to me. Even if it wasn't Kristen, I was almost certain it would be illegal in the US not to nominate Carol Burnett.
Anyway...im gonna go rewatch the show now.
So this Friday, on the 19th, is my dad's funeral.
This one really dragged out with a few holidays in between and the fact that he passed away in another state.
And I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been in absolute denial. There were many many tears. There still are many tears when something reminds you of him, you have something you really want to tell him, you cook something he would've liked or you're in the mood for a meal he used to make.
But the brain is stupid. It can be tricked so easily. Once all the arrangements were pretty much set up, all the paperwork was filed, and we had to somehow do life again, it was so easy to pretend he was just at the hospital or just not there at the moment. Of course I knew. I'm barely at home unless it's for sleeping because I'm afraid of being alone. But sometimes it was easy to pretend. There was no funeral yet, so there wasn't a final definite cut yet, right? No final goodbye.
Well. The funeral is around the corner. I'm obviously awake at 2am and alone at home, and suddenly it's hit me hard again.
June was my concert month and my dad 100% supported my expensive and kind of crazy concert hobby. He'd always call me whether I was going by train or by car. Asking what route I took, how long it took, if I got there okay. And wished me fun. If I took too long to call him, he'd call and check why I hadn't called yet...was the train delayed (usually!), was there a traffic jam on my way, was the car okay, did I just forget cause I was in a hurry?
I've had 6 concerts so far this month, and everytime I cried a little when I realised there would not be a call coming in. No one checking in on me.
I'm so so much like my dad and it just becomes clearer now that he's missing.
Not just the cooking and driving, the jokes...our humor was the exact same...whenever I make a joke that my mom and sister don't laugh about, I miss sharing a laugh with him. I miss the stupid calls too. When he'd call me just to give me a random piece of information. Sometimes even at work and I'd call him back worriedly...only for him to tell me to bring a newspaper on my way to their place in the afternoon or just to check if I was really going to the store today. When he was at the hospital, he called me at 1am cause he accidentally turned on the flash of his phone and didn't know how to turn it off 😂 I miss that so much. My mom never really calls, she's usually the one to get the call.
I have my family, I know. But I'm putting all my energy into taking care of my mom at the moment because she's on crutches with a really bad knee she probably needs surgery for. I cook for her, I clean for her. And I do that for her, no question. But also for me. Cause if I'm not at her place taking care of her, I'm at my place all alone. Alone with my thoughts. And I don't really have anyone check in on me. I'm too afraid to get lost in my depression again.
The one friend I thought I could rely on was the biggest disappointment of all. Cancelled our entire weekend plans short notice for something minor like it was no big deal. Even though I repeatedly sent her voice messages telling her how excited I am and asking if the plans still stand - she never listened to the messages. Other friends live too far away and can only help with occasional messages. And tbh that scares the shit out of me. My mom and I love each other but I never realised how much my dad made sure to check in on me. Like when he'd call me to ask if I got somewhere safe whereas my mom would just go "you didnt text you got there last night" when I'd call her the next day or realise late that I hadn't messaged her. It feels very lonely to know you're not high enough on anyone's list for them to come check in on you.
Anyway...I should try to get my usual 3 hours of sleep before I start the day again. There's still a few things that need to be prepared for Friday. My bunnies want their breakfast in time and the washing machine and dryer are set in timer as well.
I've faced grief and loss in my life since I was very young.
I lost my aunt when I was 9. My great-grandma died on my 10th birthday. I lost all 4 of my grandparents at 16, 19, 21 and 29.
I've dealt with it all. My aunt had cancer and was only 45. My grandparents varied from "they were fine one day and gone the next" to "they were in hospice care to help them".
But my dad. Losing my dad at 31. With him getting so much better one day and then suddenly heading to the hospital, not being conscious for an entire month and us having to put a stop on his treatment because there was no hope anymore...that hits differently and so much harder.
All my grandparents were a big part of my everyday life.
When my grandma died 2 years ago, I had trouble going to certain places because I went there with her all the time, because she and I were alone and I'd have lunch with her every now and then. They were nice with her but they lost their touch without her and I don't do them often anymore.
But with my dad my brain can't seem to function anymore.
Like I'm in total disbelief that his favourite meal continues to exist but I will never get it or make it for him again. That weird supper he made me when I was a kid, that everyone thought was weird but he still occasionally made me - only him - no one will ever make that for me again. He used to call me when there was something on tv he knew I would also enjoy and probably sidnt check for. The nickname only he gave me, will never be shouted through the apartment ever again. The money he'd secretly hand to me when mom wasnt looking cause I was always driving for them. The way he still tried to plan meals for the weekend that made me come over and eat with them. The way our personalities were so much alike that he understood where I was coming from 90% of the time when my mom was oblivious wanting peace with everyone...
He wasnt in his best health lately. But the way he had to leave us was cruel to all of us.
I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. But this past month has been the worst time of my life. And idk I know I've talked to a few of you about my dad being sick every now and then...so I want to explain my disappearance.
My dad had two strokes back in April. Out nowhere. We talked on the phone a few hours before his big 2nd stroke. I had my mom take my cooking to the hospital for him. He ate and loved it. She stayed until 6pm when he suffered a severe 2nd stroke while saying goodbye.
That stroke was so bad his body failed entirely and they had to perform cpr for several minutes to get him back. They had to put him in a coma.
The next day they told us there's a chance his body will just fail being awoken and we should all come in.
I was at work. I completely broke down. Cause the week prior he had just begun feeling better, eating well, cooking, taking tiny walks with my mom.
Anyway. He never completely woke up. He was intubated, fed through a tube and eventually had to get an artificial trachea which broke our hearts.
In hopes of him getting better, they sent him to a rehabilitation facility...3 hours away from home.
There were barely available hotels, the drive was horrendous and expensive because it was impossible to use public transport to get there because those facilities are usually in small cities.
There were minor improvements...they were impressed he even got that far. He could breathe on his own for a few hours a day. He had opened his eyes and looked at us but we couldn't tell if he did it consciously. He'd squeeze our hands. Two weeks ago he even nodded/shook his head at some things I asked him. He even lifted his feet when I told him to...we were hopeful he'd at least be able to communicate by head shaking or hands with us eventually. We couldn't be there as often as we would've liked. But even a one night stay at a hotel close by was 70€ not including the gas and food.
But then things didn't improve anymore.
Then he caught severe pneumonia. Because of his incredibly weak lung and his collapsed immune system, his body wasn't strong enough to fight it even with the strongest medication.
While he was in the hospital, we had found his living will...he didn't want to fight like this. And we respected that, told the doctors that any big medical treatments were not to be performed on him from then on. Sadly that counted in his severe pneumonia.
So they called us. They'd keep the treatment up for as long as we'd take to get there...but if they stopped the treatment, he would be gone.
So my mom and my 3 sisters and I drove 3 hours to talk to my dad for an hour. Telling him he was the best dad. Then we allowed to doctors to stop treatment, ease him out and give him something to not make it painful for him.
Within 20 minutes and surrounded by all of us, my dad has passed away.
That was two days ago. Today is father's day. And nothing feels real.
We're all exhausted, burnt out, devastated.
We saw this coming lately, but at the same time it came unexpected. We didn't want his fight and our fight to end like that.
I hadn't heard his voice in a month. His jokes, his nickname for me, haven't eaten his cooking in a month. And never will again. Today there's something on tv I would've watched with him for sure. Instead I can't watch it because it reminds me of him.
“The Lost Boys” Musical Opening Night on Broadway at The Palace Theatre in New York City - April 26, 2026
Well. We've been called in to say goodbye to our dad.
I'm not ready for this, guys.
It's been up and down with my dad since at least last summer.
Now he's unconscious in the intensive care unit after we thought things were going up these days.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm stressed. And yet I can't see myself falling asleep anytime soon.
I haven't used the computer version of tumblr in ages, do they still do April fool's stuff?
While I'm at it...when did Kristen and Bill stop making movies together and when did Jen Aniston and Sudsy stop making movies together?
Cause there was a rhythm that we could count on.
Those movies that would star a load of random actors in unexpected pairings and constellations, like Valentine's Day or New Years Eve...do they still exist?
Last similar one I know would have to be Mother's Day, and that's been like 10 years ago.
Why did these movies stop? There are definitely more random holidays to cover.
Or in case I missed it, why did I miss it?
Rest in Peace Michelle and Nicky
Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris - Way Of The Dragon (1972)
Rip to the GOAT
Actually what was everyone's favorite recess activity it reveals so much about your character
why is privacy so eroded. I get treated like a nutcase if I say no, I don't want strange companies taking pictures of my home and putting them online for maps or whatever. I don't want to be in the background of your tiktok, and I think it's weirder for you to assume I'm okay with it than it is for me to politely ask you to refilm it so my face isn't in the frame. I don't enjoy handing my employer a list of every online account I have and feeling under surveillance when I'm just shit posting or sharing pictures of my cats or garden harvest. I don't want to hear your private calls on speaker on the bus, esp when the person on the line doesn't know you're broadcasting their words to strangers. I don't want an algorithm guessing what will piss me off the most so I spend more time online, engaging with shit I don't want to see or hear out of outrage. I don't want any of this. it's total ass.
Funny that F1 wins the Oscar for Sound.
Because I had to watch formula 1 with my grandpa and my dad since I was little. And the sound about it is what I hate the most
Well. I guess I can go to bed now then. It was a pleasure to see these ladies reunite again. 💗
Out of literally everything nominated I've watched exactly one thing, and that's Elio.
