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i'm coming home. // clara+miranda+aleksander
thebabysaltzman:
Clara knew, in those moments, that Miranda and Aleksander were expecting anger from her. The Clara Saltzman they knew would have been nothing but angry, in all honestly. She would have been shaking with rage; her eyes would have been darting between the two, ready to attack at the first movement she saw. The old Clara would have fought, tooth and nail, to get her friends back. But Clara had changed. Sure, she was still strong, sarcastic, stubborn, and hot headed more often than not. But anger was no longer her go-to emotion. She didn’t attack first, and ask questions later. For one reason or another, Clara felt things differently now. Maybe she was maturing, or she was moving on, adapting to a world outside of MysticFalls. But whatever it was, she knew that her two closest friends from her past life wouldn’t be expecting her to do what she did next:
Clara began to cry. Slowly, at first, the tears began to sting in her eyes. And then, almost all at once, they fell and streaked her cheeks.
Miranda and Aleks might blame the hormones that come along with pregnancy for this sudden outburst, but that wasn’t what it was. It was a young girl, finally coming to grips with something she had been unable to accept in the last five years. Without Miranda and Aleksander standing before her, painfully indifferent to her presence, Clara could pretend they cared whether she was alive or dead, happy or miserable. But when you placed two of the most important people in her life right there, within grasp, and had them unconcerned for her wellbeing, she finally lost it. It was like that saying “we will cross that bridge when we come to it”, except Clara felt her bridge collapsing, crumbling, and the pieces falling onto her chest and robbing her of breath. She couldn’t cross the large body of water to Miranda and Aleksander if there was no bridge to connect them anymore.
There seemed no words to place with her feelings. Clara wracked her brain for an appropriate sentence, paragraph, something, anything… but nothing appeared in the center stage of her mind. And so the blonde instead stepped back, wiped her cheeks with the back of her sleeve, and took a moment to stare at both Aleksander and Miranda. Miranda hadn’t really spoken to Clara directly; and yet it seemed her silence had communicated enough. Everything had changed. Nothing was the same. And that destroyed Clara, right to the core of all that she was.
Who was she, without Miranda Donovan? Without Aleksander Romanov? Without those two people, Clara felt insignificant. Hopeless. Broken. And most of all… she felt alone. Miranda and Aleks were the people that defined Clara; it wasn’t herself who did that. It isn’t the person who makes them who they are… it is those they surround themselves with, those they love. And now Clara’s list of loved ones was cut, practically in half.
The kitchen had grown so quiet it was nearly palpable. The only sounds came from Clara, her breaths quivering with each deep exhale and sharp inhale. The heartbreak was clear, not only within her noises, but on her face. But there was no going back, no point of return. It was true that she had just now shown the signs of her breaking, but it had happened so, so long ago. The last day with them, the first day without them.
“I’m done,” She mumbled finally, her voice shaking. Her eyes met Aleksander’s, blue-green meeting blue-green. The two could have been siblings, they looked so similar. It broke Clara’s heart all over again to speak to him. “Now that you’re here, what will I do?” Clara repeated, rubbing at her eyes as she did whenever she felt tired. And in those moments, all she could feel was exhaustion. And loss. She was in mourning, for two people who were nothing but alive, standing before her. “I will walk away, because I have no other choice. You did this. You left me. You left me. I would have followed you anywhere, Aleksander, and you left me behind like garbage. You don’t deserve the five years I spent looking for you, and yet you got it. And even when I’m here, pregnant, bruised, and battered… you still won’t admit what you did and why you did it. It’s all on me. You were ‘protecting me’. That was never what I wanted; this wasn’t a part of the plan. But it’s happening. So I’m putting an end to it. I’m saying goodbye. And even if you want to follow me out, beg for my forgiveness, and explain why you abandoned me… you won’t. Maybe I don’t know you, but really, I do. You’d never follow me. Too much pride.”
Clara moved around the counter, and shook her head to stop Aleks from speaking. Even if he wanted to, she wouldn’t listen. She knew he’d have nothing to say anyways. So instead she grabbed his hands, and she leaned up to kiss his cheek. “For what it’s worth, I love you, Aleksander. But this is the end. I cannot hold onto the ghost of you anymore. Goodbye.”
And then it was time for her to face Miranda; the beautiful brunette vampire who had saved her from anything and everything. The one she had dragged back from being emotionless. The one who had stopped her from ending her own life, oh so long ago. And when Clara looked into those eyes, the deep chocolate colour of them haunted her… and she knew it likely always would.
Klaus? Hybrids? What did they have to do with… well, anything? Clara’s mind was still numb; all she could feel was the loss. But now, confusion was creeping in. Uncertainty. Clara’s eyes shot to Miranda’s, and though it hurt, she held the eye contact. “What do you mean?” The blonde demanded. Her hands began to shake. The old Clara desperately wanted to break through, sending out anger towards those she believed deserved it. But Miranda had known her address. And Roy… that name was familiar. Roy had once been Klaus’s right hand man, his eyes and ears in Mystic. How would Miranda know of him, unless she was telling the truth… “You knew where I was, and yet…” But Clara couldn’t blame Miranda, and she knew that. If Klaus had kept her best friend locked away in Mystic Falls for all of eternity, there was only one person to blame: and it wasn’t Miranda. But she couldn’t just say goodbye to Aleksander. She had to say goodbye to both of them. Maybe Klaus had gone about it in a way that was nothing but cruel, but if he wanted Miranda to stay away… there had to be a reason. And Clara had grown to trust the hybrid’s judgement in the last five plus years. “It doesn’t… It doesn’t even matter.” The words fell from her lips, sure, but Clara couldn’t bring herself to believe them. “This is still goodbye. I can’t just… I can’t do this anymore.” Regaining her composure was harder than expected, but Clara did it.
Clara wanted one final hug… but she couldn’t do that to herself. Or to Miranda. And so, instead, she leaned forward and kissed the brunette’s cheek as she had Aleksander’s. “Goodbye,” She said, slowly. She imprinted their faces to her memory, where she hoped they would forever stay. “I love you, Miranda.” And then without a single glance backwards, Clara walked out of the kitchen, and away from the two people she loved most.
In the beginning, being in a room with both Aleksander and Clara had been torture. Not only was she thirsty, but that thirst made Miranda feel as if time had purposely been slowed down just to tempt her more. But now, everything was happening too fast, and all she felt was a deep pain in her chest.
She didn't know what else to say to Aleksander, so she gave him what she hoped was a genuine smile. Even if it was only for a minute, Miranda saw the way his shoulders slumped. Aleksander let his guard down, and that was enough to prove to her that behind this hunter facade-- behind this hatred, her Aleksander was still there, and that gave her a newfound hope... Hope that after five years, he hadn't given himself over to the hatred that came with being a hunter, just like how she hadn't given herself over to the side that held no pain.
With this realization also came sadness. Miranda was glad with the hope that had clawed its way out, yet she wished she felt it towards something else. She wished that she had hope of gaining back these two people she lost, yet she felt nothing but sadness when it came to them. Miranda understood that these two people were no longer hers to fight for, and that thought nearly had her collapsing on the spot. Aleksander had his family, and Clara had Klaus-- and just like Aleksander had said, he was happy. Clara had a baby growing inside of her... There was no doubt that she was happy. They had their own loved ones fighting for them, and that's who they needed to fight for. Bringing back what they had five years ago was impossible, and Miranda begged whatever God there was that she would be able to cope when she truly came to terms with this.
As time continued to move slowly, the three sat in a deafening silence before everything changed. The pain of everything that had happened had finally reached the surface, and Miranda was frozen in fear.
Clara was crying.
There was no anger or resentment, and in this moment, Miranda wished there had been. She could always take Clara's anger-- hell, she preferred it, because it took a lot to break this Saltzman. Last time, it had been because of Paul... And now? It was because of them. It was because of Miranda, and as she held back her own tears, she realized this was it. After today, she would be crippled. She would no longer have these two people she loved in her life, and that thought made her wish the werewolf bite she had all those years ago had taken her. They had moved on while she had been stuck in the place she'd once called home. They'd moved on from her, and she needed to let them go. Even if they decided that they needed each other, Miranda would let Clara and Aleksander walk away holding hands if that's what it came down to. There wasn't room for a vampire in either hunters lives.
As Clara finally found her words for Aleksander, Miranda listened, but nothing really clicked. Her mind was all over the place, and in that moment she truly felt insane... Until Clara's words to her snapped her out of her own thoughts.
It doesn't even matter.
If Miranda had felt broken before, this statement shattered her. In no world would anyone have guessed that Clara would be on Klaus' side when it came to Miranda. When the two were put together, they were indestructible. No one would have tried to mess with the bond they had, because they knew nothing would've come out of it. Nothing would've changed that, but now? Miranda searching for Clara didn't matter. Miranda using Roy didn't matter.
It doesn't even matter.
She couldn't move. Even when Clara kissed her cheek and told her she loved her, Miranda couldn't move. She had been torn apart by none other than Clara Saltzman, the one person who had always been the one to stitch her back up. As Clara walked out of the kitchen they were in, Miranda knew that she had to use what little strength she had left to try and salvage something from this situation. Everyone was in pain, but they didn't need to be. If Clara's words were killing her the way they shattered Miranda, she needed someone to fix it... And this time around, it wouldn't be Miranda. She wouldn't have the same impact she used to. Her words would be useless.
Looking up at Aleksander, she found him watching her, and she could no longer give him the smile she had earlier. Her sadness was evident, but that didn't matter. Clara mattered, and he could fix it.
"If you ever loved her," Miranda started off strong, ignoring the slight quiver of her lip as she tried to keep eye contact with the man before her. "If you ever loved me," she said, her voice now in a shaky whisper. "You'll go after her, and you will not stop until you make her tears go away and put a smile on that face of hers." Ignoring the tears that slid down her cheeks, Miranda slowly reached her hand across the table, placing it on top of Aleksander's. She knew the move was bold. He probably despised her touch after devoting his five years to hunting her kind, but she did it anyway. "I'm begging you. Please."
i'm coming home. // clara+miranda+aleksander
In those few moments of silence, all Clara could do was stare. For a second her eyes would be glued to Miranda, gauging the girl’s injuries and her likelihood of recovering, and then a sound would echo through the room from behind her, and Clara’s head would whip around to glare at Aleksander. She loved him; it was true, unchanging, no matter the amount of time the two had spent apart. But she didn’t love him in that way, the way that made her want to run into his arms and kiss him… as a matter of fact, those were sickening thoughts to Clara, ones that she would have once laughed about. But when it came to Aleksander Romanov, Clara no longer felt like laughing. And so, instead, she chose to swear at him, curse, spew insults sent to him and him only… and of course she did so in his native language. She felt it was more insulting, somehow; plus, this way, if Miranda were to somehow listen in… she couldn’t later scold Clara for being so cruel. The last five years had been more or less dedicated to Clara’s search for Aleks, and in those years, she took the time to learn something Aleksander had promised to teach her. Russian. The language of Aleksander childhood, the language that had always made Clara feel closer to him. And she had done it alone, without his help… a fact that was likely stunning to Aleks. At least she hoped it was.
But then Aleksander neared her. And time seemed to nearly stand still. It was like a scene from a movie for Clara; her eyes drifted to those pale blue ones, eyes that had once been alight with amusement whenever he had glanced at Clara, and now? Now that had been all but erased, showing nothing but a cold, detached expression, something that Clara herself had once known all too well. She had seen that face in the mirror too many times to count; and now she was staring at it in Aleks’ eyes. It was both heartbreaking and wonderful at once—because while that was nowhere near as caring and comforting as Aleksander’s eyes once had been, his eyes in general were better to see than nothing. It meant he was alive, he was well, and, above all… he was still human.
And as Aleks surveyed the damage to her leg, Clara watched in silence. For a moment, at least. As his hand reached for the blade, Clara was immediately aware of what was to follow—and though she turned her face into her shoulder and tried desperately to contain herself, a scream filled the room, and pain stretched from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She was weak; weaker than she had been in a long time. And that was not good. Not in her current condition, at least. But then Aleksander did the unthinkable—he pulled his shirt over his head, and bent slightly at the waist, tying the material around Clara’s leg to try and slow the bleeding. Rolling her eyes as she was faced with the familiar man’s bare chest, Clara couldn’t stop her lips from moving. “Hадеть рубашку, мудак.”
And even as Aleksander’s hand found the underside of her chin, Clara managed to turn her face away, finally able to give him the cold shoulder. Scoffing at his attempt at an affectionate gesture, Clara nodded in Miranda’s direction. She was worried about herself and her baby, sure, but that didn’t mean Miranda needed to suffer any longer. And so as soon as Aleks began crossing the room, towards the tub, Clara bent down to untie the ropes that held her ankles in place. Her fingers shook at first, and her body burned with the inflicted torture, but she refused to focus on it for long. Instead, she watched the knots dwindle away into nothing, and eventually she pulled herself free. Standing, however… was an entirely different obstacle. Her injured leg shook as she tried to stand, and placing weight on it had prickles of white hot agony spreading towards her midsection. But it had to be done, and so she forced a few steps to be taken, towards the single door in the room.
Aleksander’s condescending tone sat badly with Clara. And so when he told her to head upstairs, she simply remained silent, and did as he had asked—but not because he had asked. She moved towards the door and out of the room because it was horrifying to still be in there, where she had just been caused so much… where her best friend had nearly been killed. Speaking of Miranda, Clara tried not to think of her much. She knew the vervain would have weakened her to the point of near death, and the only thing to help her right then was blood—blood that, under any other circumstances, Clara would have freely given. But she had already lost so much of it. So much that was needed by not only herself… but the baby.
“What baby?”
Clara hadn’t heard Miranda mention it. She hadn’t even known that Miranda could hear the baby, not until Aleksander turned to her, the most miniscule sliver of hope shining through his eyes. And as she opened her mouth to speak, though she was still uncertain of what to say, Aleks slid a bowl of what appeared to be soup towards both she and Miranda. Narrowing her eyes at the steaming bowl, Clara quirked a blonde eyebrow and leaned against the counter, her lips turned sideways into a sneer.
“Why should I eat this? How do I know you haven’t poisoned it?” Clara snapped, her anger nowhere near satisfied. And so she continued on, shoving the bowl back towards Aleks, watching as some of its contents sloshed out of the bowl and onto the counter. “I don’t know you from a fucking hole in the wall, Aleksander. It’s been five years. And it’s not just been five years of radio silence, either. You’ve been actively avoiding me. Setting up fake credit cards so I follow false leads, hiding behind other people, hiding here in fuckingRussia, where I come and get bloody tortured! Who are you? Because you are certainly not the Aleksander that left me behind. You are certainly not the Aleksander I would want to become my baby’s godfather.”
And with that, Clara leaned back, her eyes locked to Aleks’ face. If he were to make any sort of movement, a change in expression, anything… she was damn well going to see it. But when it came to Miranda… Clara couldn’t do it. She couldn’t turn a fraction of an inch to look at her, see the weakness in her body or the betrayal in her gaze. It was true; Clara had spent five years looking for Aleksander. Sure, she’d looked for Miranda, too… but not as actively. Not as intensely, simply because Miranda hadn’t been looking for her… as far as she knew, at least.
No matter the pain she was in, the second Miranda was lifted out of the tub was a quick moment of relief, but she couldn't help the disappointment that coursed through her. Being constantly consumed with pain and guilt ever since the day she became a vampire, she had welcomed death with open arms, and she knew without blood, there was no chance of herself fully healing... And that's when she felt the heat that embraced her. Opening her eyes, she first saw the arms that were wrapped around her, and immediately knew who they belonged to. For a second, she let herself imagine that she had fallen asleep in the middle of a movie, and Aleksander had lifted her off of the couch of their home to take her to bed. But that was a fantasy for a perfect world, and she wasn't fortunate enough to have that.
Miranda wasn't exactly sure what was happening. The pain was still consuming her, and she could barely feel her body, but she knew that Aleksander was moving-- taking them somewhere, and once upon a time she would've called him her saviour, but now? She knew that no matter how much she fantasized, her Aleksander was gone, and the fear that crippled her was overbearing. She had seen Aleksander as a hunter. She had his anger directed at her before, and the thought that he had five years to master his techniques terrified her.
Trying to look around, she could barely move, but she heard another set of heavy footsteps, knowing immediately they belonged to Clara, until her mind was, once again, set on the pain of her burns. Minutes passed before Miranda was placed down on a chair, but she didn't move. All she did was lower her head, suddenly feeling ashamed to be with the two people she had loved most. Five years as a vampire was nothing, but living five years alone when you had expected it to be completely different was what continued to tear her apart. Clara had Klaus. They had moved on together, and Clara had succeeded in finding Aleksander. Then there was Aleksander. He had gone back to his hunting ways-- his family, and as bitter as she was, Miranda knew she could never stay mad at him for that. But Miranda? Thinking she truly had nothing left had let her vampire tendencies take over many times in the five years she'd been stuck in Mystic Falls. As many times as she'd envisioned Klaus' death, Miranda knew he wasn't to blame. Even if he hadn't commanded his hybrids to keep her in Mystic Falls, away from those she loved, she still would have spiralled.
That's why she couldn't bring herself to look up at Aleksander or Clara. She was ashamed, and there was no other way of putting it, but hearing Clara's words had her eyes shoot to the girl across from her. Although she didn't understand Russian, Miranda knew Clara's anger would always be there, and she could only imagine the words that were leaving her lips. Listening to how Clara had spent most of her five years searching for Aleksander, Miranda couldn't help but flinch, the sudden urge to run out of there growing strong, but she wouldn't. If there was anything Miranda Donovan wouldn't do, it was sitting around and holding back from those she cared about. No matter how weak her body was, she wouldn't let herself be weak.
As Clara's words came to a stop, the room grew thicker as Miranda slowly lifted her head, letting it hit the back of the chair while dropping her gaze to Clara, a small smile on her face. "2051 Saintsbury Drive," she muttered, her voice raspy. "That's your address in Washington. It took me a while to get it, but I did," Miranda paused again, her thoughts turning to Roy as the guilt continued to eat away at her. "I had planned on showing up on your doorstep and dealing with Klaus snapping my neck just to drag you back home, but I wasn't allowed to leave Mystic Falls. Klaus made sure to leave at least fifteen of his hybrids to make sure I didn't step foot outside those boarders." Finally getting out her words, the thirst Miranda felt had been building the entire time, and it was getting harder for her to keep herself still, but she wasn't leaving until she said what needed to be said.
Keeping eye contact with Clara for a few more seconds, she finally let her gaze move to Aleksander's, ignoring the coldness behind them. "I knew Clara had been looking for you, hence why I'm here, but knowing you were back in Russia with your people-- your family, that made me happy. Knowing you would be happy... That you were home." And at the end of the day, I realized you were both better off away from Mystic Falls. Miranda didn't finish the sentence, but she now understood that bringing these two people back to what they used to have was only bringing them back to pain, and she couldn't do that.
"You're both surrounded by those you love," turning her eyes to Clara, Miranda couldn't help the genuine smile that spread. "You're having a baby... That's how I know, at the end of the day, if the two of you are happy, I'm not going to convince myself that dragging you back is the smart thing to do." Letting the silence engulf them once again, Miranda knew there was nothing else to be said. She had gotten out what she needed to, so she leaned her head back against the chair and shut her eyes.
i'm coming home. // clara+miranda+aleksander
Clara was rusty—that much was evident, very early on. Though there were a few moments within which the blonde managed to hold her own, they did not last long. Back several years, before Clara had decided to hang up her gun, (quite literally, considering all of her weapons were now locked up in the basement of the house she shared with Klaus in Washington) the petite Saltzman could have easily taken out half of the Romanov household. Blindfolded. With one hand tied behind her back. But now… Clara was out of practice; sure, it wasn’t hard—like riding a bike, all she had to do was get back up onto the seat—but Clara was weaker. And she was no longer reckless; she no longer did things without thinking. She couldn’t simply take the blade of a knife in her shoulder without worrying of the repercussions. Now, Clara had to think for two—and that meant she had to always protect not only herself, but someone else. Someone smaller, more fragile.
And, of course, there was the added wrench that Miranda’s appearance had sent through Clara’s calm façade. As soon as she heard that smooth voice, and looked over to see those deeply familiar brown eyes, Clara’s entire being had frozen; it had taken months for the blonde to build the wall that kept Miranda from her thoughts. Months. For the very first year after not having heard from her best friend—her sister, for all intensive purposes—Clara had been a wreck. Her hands had shaken whenever a short haired brunette girl had walked past, or whenever someone made a joke that Clara would normally have mocked with Miranda. There were so many reminders around Mystic Falls, so many things that had her thinking hey, Miranda, remember that time… but Miranda was never there to reminisce with her. And now, there she was, everything about her having changed and yet remained the same. If Miranda had been human, Clara knew her face would have changed much more than it had—there would have been lines creasing her forehead, there would have been some sort of age playing at the edges of her lips and her eyes. But, instead, Miranda was just as beautiful, just as youthful, as she had been that first day when they had met, all those years ago. And it sent the air from Clara’s lungs, as if Miranda had just reached out and socked her directly in the gut—truthfully, that would have been less painful. That would have been preferred.
But Miranda seemed less than fazed, by Clara’s position on Aleksander’s front doorstep. Instead she said not a single word to the girl who had once claimed the spot of her best friend, choosing rather to turn towards the father of the man she had—and likely still—loved. Miranda’s voice sent a pang of familiarity somewhere towards Clara’s heart, a feeling she had not experienced in years. But now was not the time, nor the place; and Clara knew that, just as well as she knew that she and Miranda were not the same people they had once. She could not look at the brunette now, and think to herself, there she is. There’s my best friend. Because, in all honesty, the two were now as good as strangers. And so the blonde had simply nodded her head once, turning towards the man who looked just like someone else Clara had once known. “Yes, sir, we’d much appreciate it if you could go on in and fetch Aleksander for us. Uh… пожалуйста? Он здесь?”
But from there, it had all begun to spiral downwards. Mr. Romanov had put on a smile that, even to Clara, had appeared fake—and as soon as he had stepped aside and gestured for them to come inside, Clara had felt that telling feeling in her gut, the one that she always got before something bad was about to happen. And so Clara had stepped inside, but as her foot had moved across the doorframe, she had reached behind her and retrieved the pistol that was tucked into the back of her jeans. Pointing the barrel of the gun directly at Mr. Romanov’s forehead, she met his gaze, and narrowed her eyes. “Invite her in,” Clara snapped, her tone just as dangerous as she had hoped. And, unsurprisingly, Mr. Romanov seemed unfazed by this sudden turn of events—as a matter of fact, the glimmer of amusement in his crystal blue eyes (the ones that so much reminded Clara of Aleks) giving Clara the sickening suspicion that he had been expecting this. “Do it, or I’m going to put a bullet right between your fucking eyes. ты понимаешь меня?”
“Come on in, вампир.” Mr. Romanov hissed the final word of that sentence, his eyes narrowing into slits as his gaze followed Miranda’s movements as she entered his home. It wasn’t hard for Clara to understand the word that Mr. Romanov had used so angrily, despite his heavily accented voice and the way within which he chose to speak. And then, just as Clara was beginning to turn her head in Miranda’s direction, she heard Mr. Romanov clear his throat. Twisting her head back to him just as he opened his mouth, Clara was unable to stop him from letting out one single word, one that she knew would send nothing but trouble their way; “мальчики!”
And trouble had come, just as Clara had predicted. Sure, she had managed to knick one of the men with a bullet to the shoulder and knock one of the smaller ones out with the butt of her pistol, but, in the end, both she and Miranda were rendered unconscious against the army of large, Russian men.
***
Awaking what felt like decades later, Clara’s head lolled from one side to the other before her eyes managed to wrench themselves open. Blinking several times to clear the clouds from her vision, the retired huntress tried desperately to figure out where she was—a basement, by the looks of it, with no windows and only a single door leading into what would most likely be some sort of hallway. Moving on from this, Clara chose to survey her body—and just then, she began to feet the fear start seeping through her veins. Klaus had warned her about this; he had warned her, begged her even, to allow him to accompany her on this trip.
“Russia isn’t a friendly place, Clara,” He had said, his tone just as serious as it always was, when the two were discussing Clara’s safety. “It’s dangerous. The people there will not be welcoming to you.” And what had been Clara’s defence? She was going there for Aleksander; she was going there to find her best friend, someone who would never, not in a million years, let something bad happen to her. And yet, there she was, tied up in his basement. By his father, and his friends, most likely.
Looking up from where the rope was tied around her abdomen, Clara heard the sloshing of water. Across the dank, dimly lightened room, Clara’s eyes landed upon Miranda. But she was not alone—there was a man there, not one that had originally attacked them; but he was bad, this much Clara could tell from the smirk upon his lips and the hand of his that was half emerged in the water of the bathtub, holding Miranda’s shoulder underwater. And then, as Clara turned her gaze to Miranda’s face, she saw her open her eyes—so wide, in fact, that Clara knew what was coming before the scream met her ears. Wincing at the sound of her best friend scream, Clara immediately met the sound with a deep groan, one that began in her chest and rose upwards, clawing its way past her lips before she even registered the noise at all; it was almost animalistic, savage in the way it filled the room, surprising Clara as much as it seemed to surprise the others in the room. It was Clara’s nature; nothing shy of it. If Miranda Donovan was in pain, Clara Saltzman was angry.
Eyes wide with angry tears, Clara tried to ignore the screams escaping from Miranda’s lips. But with each shriek came another bubble of white hot rage from somewhere within Clara, somewhere deep down, that she had buried all those years ago. It had been only Miranda and Aleksander who were capable of letting that rage free; and in the past five years, it had been left dormant. Until now. Until Miranda was sitting across the room, screaming and writhing with a pain so true that it had tears forming in not only her own eyes, but Clara’s as well. There was only one thing that could do that to a vampire; vervain.
The sound of a metal door swinging open drowned out Miranda’s screams, momentarily, before all sounds were completely cut off. Miranda had stopped screaming, and the door had been firmly shut once more. Looking away from the brunette across the room, Clara took in Mr. Romanov—Aleksander’s father. And before he could open his mouth or utter a single syllable, Clara was speaking, her words filled with venom that had been long forgotten. “You sick bastard, let us go. Let us go right now! Let her out of that fucking tub, you asshole!” Clara didn’t bother with the Russian; she knew Mr. Romanov understood her English just as well as his son would have, if Aleks had been there.
“Now, now, принцесса,” Mr. Romanov teased, his toned filled with nothing but amusement. It sent a sickening shiver down Clara’s spine, and she turned her face away, disgusted with even the sight of him. “Why would I do that? You and your вампир friend here have decided to barge into my home, looking for my son, so why should I not have myself a little fun?” The other man in the room laughed along with Mr. Romanov then, shoving down on Miranda’s shoulder to dunk her under the water once more. Clara winced again, her entire body beginning to quiver with not only the fear, but the anger, and the anticipation of what was to come. As the man allowed Miranda up from the water, her screams once again filled the air—and Clara squeezed her eyes shut.
“C’mon, Miranda,” warned Mr. Romanov, his voice rising to a shout as he tried to speak over Miranda’s screams. Opening her eyes and turning to Miranda just as she locked her jaw shut, Clara tried not to grow angry; her entire face was filled with burns, proof that there was, in fact, vervain within that bathtub. And a lot of it. Mr. Romanov seemed unperturbed, however, as he continued on. “Do you not care for your lovely friend Clara here?” Mr. Romanov then gestured to Clara, as he walked over to a table that was on the opposite end of the room. Twisting her neck to watch, Clara’s gaze followed Aleksander’s father as he picked up a long, incredibly sharpened blade, and began walking towards Clara.
“What are you talking about?” Clara demanded, her eyes narrowing as she watched Mr. Romanov tread closer to her. And in this state, tied up with no weapons hidden beneath her jeans or her t-shirt, Clara was useless. She could do nothing to help herself, nor Miranda. All she could do was watch, and silently take what she knew was about to come. But then there it was; the tiniest of bulges at her stomach, the reminder of what she had just recently discovered. The pregnancy had come out of nowhere—impossible, according to everyone she had spoken to. And yet… there was no other option. She had slept with no one, not a single person, in the last five years—no one except an immortal vampire-werewolf hybrid. Who, up until last week, Clara had believed to be infertile.
“With each screams of hers, my blade will find another spot upon your lovely little body.” Mr. Romanov said, his voice nothing if not excited. He twirled the blade between his hands, holding it so carelessly and yet so expertly, in a way that had Clara’s stomach dropping to her knees; this was where Aleksander had learnt to hunt. This was where he had learnt to torture. “And if my count is correct, we’ve already listened to two shouts, yes? Let us begun, then!”
And begin, they did. First, Mr. Romanov’s blade oh-so-happily found itself carving an R into the back of her left shoulder. Blood was seeping through the thin, white fabric of Clara’s t-shirt, yet she still managed to keep her lips clasped together. No screams would escape Clara; at least not for that first punishment. Instead, the blonde kept her eyes locked onto Miranda’s, trying to ignore all the self-hatred and guilt that her best friend seemed to be holding. Clara gave the brunette the smallest of smiles, as if to say, what kind of reunion were you expecting? before the knife was able to find its second spot of impact; Clara’s thigh. Rather than carving something out or slicing down her leg, Mr. Romanov simply lifted his arm and plunged the knife into the thickest spot on her thigh, sending a bloodcurdling scream from Clara’s throat. And just as her shrieks of pain filled the room, the door was once again thrown open, but Clara could not find it in herself to look up.
Not until that voice filled the room. The one Clara had been holding onto for the last five years; the one she had come here, in search of. Aleksander. Though his voice had changed—the pitch had deepened, and so had the strength of his accent. And the tone… Clara didn’t even want to think about that; not for a second longer than necessary. Aleksander sounded… cold. Detached. Indifferent. Even as his eyes fell upon not only Clara, but Miranda, he seemed all but fazed. Instead his eyes drifted back to his father, and he commanded his senior from the room. The other man followed after him, leaving Miranda to sink deeper within the water, though this was followed by another scream. She seemed too weak to climb from the water, however, and Clara leaned into the ropes—all she wanted was to pull Miranda from the water. But she couldn’t; not with this knife in her leg, and these ropes keeping her attached securely to the chair.
“Aleksander! So help me god, Aleks, get her out of there! Get her out, Aleks, now! She’s going to die!” Clara shrieked, straining more so against the ropes. The knife was still lodged painfully in her leg, but Clara was biting at the inside of her cheek, ignoring that pain to instead focus on the pain of her best friend. Miranda’s eyes were drifting shut, her body sagging with unconsciousness as she sank further into the tub. “Да поможет мне Бог , Александр, я убью тебя , если вы не получаете ее оттуда!”
Keeping eye contact with Aleksander’s father was harder than Miranda thought it would’ve been. But it wasn’t because of the piercing blue glare that she had seen in Aleks’ eyes before. No, it wasn’t that. It was the fact that her best friend, someone who had finally given up on her, was standing a few feet away from her. Forcing herself not to look at her was probably one of the hardest things Miranda’s ever done, but she wouldn’t show the pain she felt. If things had come down to them pushing each other away and no longer caring, Miranda would put on the act Clara wanted to see.
Ignoring the familiar warmth that radiated off of the blonde, Miranda slowly began walking towards them, her frown deepening as she watched the way Mr. Romanov’s eyes suddenly changed, showing nothing but amusement although his face stayed as hard as stone… But that wasn’t what surprised her most. As Clara stepped through the threshold and into his home, Miranda tensed the second she pulled out a gun, pointing it straight at his forehead. As much as she tried to hide it, she was sure Mr. Romanov could see the way her body tensed as Clara put herself in danger. Knowing that she couldn’t get inside incase anything went wrong terrified Miranda, and for that she silently cursed herself for even having thought that five years apart would’ve made her care less.
Hearing the familiar words leave Mr. Romanov’s lips, Miranda didn’t break eye contact as she stepped through the front door, stopping when she was standing beside Clara, her body close enough that she would be able to spring into action the second she needed too. With her hearing, the small sound of movement should’ve pushed Miranda into grabbing Clara and getting the hell out of there, but a small part of her had hope that maybe Aleksander would be the one to walk into the room, a smile spreading across his face when seeing the two of them there, no matter how messed up any of their situations were, yet as Mr. Romanov called out in Russian, Miranda didn’t need a translator to understand what would happen.
The second she heard the first strong heartbeat come from her left, Miranda let out a hiss, the familiar tingling sensation of her veins growing down her face taking over. As much as she hated being a vampire, in moments like these, she was nothing but grateful at the strength that came with it. As she continued attacking while listening to Clara taking out those that attacked her, Miranda truly didn’t understand how many people the house had waiting inside. Within seconds, none of that mattered as the entire room filled with hunters, all of them staring at the two girls the same way Miranda would find herself staring at a human’s neck. Quickly glancing at Clara, Miranda kept her face void of emotions seeing she was doing the same thing, and as Clara’s fist connected with a hunters, Miranda began to fight until she felt a prick on the side of her neck, the burning sensation of vervain seeping through her system before darkness consumed her.
***
Pain was something Miranda had become familiar with after all her years as a vampire. If someone were to ask, she would say the emotional scarring would always trump whatever she showed physically, but the moment she opened her eyes, she had never felt more wrong in her life. The confusion of being in a bathtub didn’t last long as she began to burn. The scent of vervain lingered for nearly a second before her senses shut down, pain the only thing she knew as the smoke from her burning skin began to cloud her vision… And finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. Her bloodcurdling scream was foreign in her own ears. It was a sound she hadn’t let out in a long time, but the only thing that hurt more than the vervain eating away at her skin was the fact she had no idea as to what these people were doing to Clara.
Clara. It was as if her name gave Miranda the distraction she needed to ignore the pain for the time being. Pushing aside every ounce of her thoughts that pushed her to beg for death, Miranda concentrated, her eyes finally landing on Clara’s. Her friends strength filled gaze gave Miranda hope, but there was something else there, and when Miranda realized what it was, the terror seeped back in. There was fear in Clara’s eyes… A type of fear that Miranda had never seen before, but it wasn’t towards her. As much as the vervain slowly began to burn her body, there wasn’t a chance of it truly killing her. Pushing herself as hard as she could to concentrate on Clara, it took Miranda seconds before she heard an unfamiliar sound. She knew what the thump, thump, indicated, but it was such a quiet sound, she knew it didn’t belong to any of the men in this room. And that’s the exact moment everything clicked into place, and Miranda let out a scream, but it wasn’t because of the pain she felt from the vervain. She screamed for Clara, she screamed for Clara’s baby, because for once, Miranda couldn’t convince herself that she would save them. For once, she truly felt hopeless.
Do you not care for your lovely friend Clara here? It felt like hours as Miranda fought to stay conscious, yet she knew it had only been minutes, but Mr. Romanov’s words were the only thing that grabbed her attention. She had no idea as to when he had even entered the room, but everything after that moment went in slow motion. The sound of his blade carving into Clara’s skin. The ripping of her thigh as his blade stabbed through, but what nearly killed Miranda then and there was the scream that tore through Clara’s lips. If Miranda’s screams didn’t entail torture for Clara, she knew she would’ve been screaming alongside her friend, and she just prayed that whatever happened, her and her baby got away from it all.
As the minutes passed, Miranda wasn’t exactly sure what happened. She couldn’t feel the parts of her body that were submerged in the bath. She couldn’t even tell if she had screamed again or not, but she did notice when the hunter’s holding her down let go of her body, and she didn’t waste any time as she let herself sink all the way under, letting out another bloodcurdling scream that hopefully no one heard as she finally blacked out.
i'm coming home. // clara+miranda+aleksander
Five years.
Five years was a long time, and yet, it didn’t feel like any time had passed at all. At least not for Clara Saltzman—was it still appropriate for the blonde to refer to herself as such? Shaking her head, she wished for a moment that her overly active mind could be cleared. But it couldn’t; not right then, as she found herself in the back seat of what Russians referred to as a kabiny. Though she had once been accustomed to the sound of a Russian accent, all thanks to a man who Clara now refused to name, she felt like just as much of a stranger to the language and the country as she had been before meeting him. And sure, his accent had never been one as overwhelming as those she had been faced with since climbing off the plane in Moscow, but still… Aleksander’s voice—Clara flinched as the voice rang throughout her mind, awakening a new set of Goosebumps along her arms, though they were covered with several layers of warm clothing—had once been able to soothe her, even in her most heated of moments; but now? Now, whenever Clara heard people around her uttering words in Russian or mumbling something under their breath with just the hint of an accent… she flinched. It was too soon; and yet, not nearly soon enough. She had met Aleksander seven years ago, and in those short two years that they had known each other… he had become her brother; they were just as connected as Clara had once been to Paul, and as connected as she felt she was to Scott, now. But it had been five years; and a lot had changed.
Clara hadn’t seen or heard from Aleksander since she was nearly nineteen years old. Nineteen. It was so long ago, so long that to Clara, it felt like another life. She was no longer that girl; she was no longer the naïve, reckless, hot-headed blonde that she had been when she met both Aleks and Miranda. She certainly still looked the same—same long blonde hair that always fell pin-straight down her back, same porcelain skin, same blue-green eyes that were framed by thick, black lashes. She was still small, as she always would be, falling just above five feet. And while her physical appearance may have stayed somehow the same over those five years, nothing else had; Clara was no longer a hunter. She had retired as soon as she and Klaus had moved away from Mystic Falls, instead opting to move to Washington, where Clara attended University, studying Law. Clara was no longer two different people; she was no longer a cheerleader by day, vampire hunter by night… instead she was Clara Saltzman, (someday to become Clara Mikaelson, if Klaus’s persistence continued) full time Law student.
And so as the blonde sat in the backseat of that taxi cab, the press of her pistol against the small of her back was odd. It wasn’t familiar, or soothing, as it once had been… instead, it had Clara’s heart racing, her eyes stinging, and her knee bouncing up and down with the rhythm of the weird Russian music her driver was playing. “Excuse me,” Clara mumbled, leaning forward to tap her fingers against the drivers shoulder. He looked up at her, meeting her gaze in the rear-view mirror, and raised his thick eyebrows. “Would you mind turning that down?” Clara asked, nodding her head towards the radio. The cab driver frowned, but a moment later, he obliged. The silence was worse; however… because now all that Clara had to focus on were her thoughts, and the snowy scenery that passed as they continued on, towards the outskirts of Moscow, where her lead had told her the Romanov family owned property.
Contrary to popular belief, Clara hadn’t jumped at the opportunity to find Aleksander—as a matter of fact, as soon as she received the folder that was currently tucked away in her purse; she had destroyed her study, piece by piece. Klaus had come running, naturally, alarmed with the shrieks Clara was sending through their house. But she was too upset to be stopped, too hysterical to be reasoned with—and so Klaus let her knock over the furniture, simply ducking out of the way of the books she sent hurtling his way, and uttered a word only after she had fallen to the floor, collapsing in on herself with the grief of losing two more of the people who meant most to her. Klaus had simply held her, running his hand over her hair, keeping his lips pressed to her temple. And he knew—he knew better than to say anything, or try and convince her it would be okay. Because to Clara, in those moments, nothing had been okay. Not with the photos that had then been scattered across the floor, with Aleksander’s smiling face staring back at her, mocking the obsession she had had for the past four years.
It had taken Clara a year to make up her mind. And even then, seated in the cab, her mind wasn’t completely made up—but she had booked that plane ticket, and boarded her flight… so that was a sign, right? For Clara, it was. But she hadn’t come for her, or for Aleksander, really. She had come for someone else—someone who deserved to know Aleks, someone who Clara knew would need him… more than even she, herself, would need him. Placing her hand on the tiny bulge on her stomach, Clara sighed—her eyes trained on the window, as she tried desperately to ignore the tears that were now streaming steadily down her cheeks. Five years was a long time.
Another thirty minutes of driving through the icy streets passed quickly. And before Clara knew it, her kabiny driver was pulling up to the end of the Romanov drive way, announcing—in his heavily accented voice, of course—that they had arrived. Pulling her wallet out, Clara handed the driver several large Russian notes, paying him the amount in Ruble, and then some. He gave her a tight smile, his eyes following her warily as she climbed out of the vehicle. The cab driver had warned her, almost an hour ago, that the Romanov’s did not like company—especially not those of the American kind. But Clara had insisted, telling the driver she knew one of them, and knew one of them well. And he had agreed… though, still somewhat hesitantly. It frightened Clara, of course; but she did know one of them. Or… at least… she had, once upon a time. If Clara herself had changed so much, she wasn’t certain what to expect of Aleksander. He was bound to be different—but, with her breath turning to fog before her face, Clara wasn’t sure if it was the kind of different she would like.
The Romanov’s driveway was long, and covered almost completely in snow; it seemed that they didn’t often leave their house, considering the snow here was at times deep enough to cover up to Clara’s knees. But it was too late to turn back; Clara was already here, in Russia, and something as meagre as snow wasn’t going to send her running home. And so as she walked towards the home, Clara pulled her folder from inside her purse. The thick gloves upon her hands made it somewhat more difficult that anticipated, but Clara managed to pull out of the photograph of the Romanov household; and it was a perfect match. It was a large house; fit for several family members, likely with more than five bedrooms on the inside.
There was still a chance that Aleks wouldn’t be inside, though; and Clara knew that. Part of her clung to that, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t be forced to face him so soon. But, deep down inside her stomach, Clara knew that she needed; she needed to see Aleksander, and she needed to see him now. And so as soon as Clara came face-to-face with the double doors that led inside, she lifted her fist, and rapped her covered knuckles to the wood. There was no going back, not anymore… and Clara knew that. Her heart rate was now through the roof, echoing the panic that was beginning to settle inside of her. Fives years. Five years since she had seen that face, heard that voice, inhaled that musty scent…
And then the door swung open, and Clara found herself looking upwards, taking in the face of a man who had to be related to Aleks… they had the same set of their jaw, the same narrowed eyes, and the same thick eyebrows; but this man was older. Aleks’ father. “Hi,” Clara murmured, her voice shaking, ever-so-slightly. A shiver ran down the girl’s spine, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the cold. Mr. Romanov was staring down at her, his glare making her feel incredibly small—incredibly weak. But then she remembered who she was, and why she was there… and Clara forced a grin to fall upon her lips, and she met the man’s gaze without hesitation. “My name is Clara. Clara Saltzman. You may have heard of me, from, uh… your son? I’m looking for him. Aleksander. Is he here?” Mr. Romanov had barely opened the door, not even giving Clara a peak of what was inside the house. She leaned to the side, desperately trying to see inside, but he sidestepped, blocking her vision.
Losing those that said they would stay forever was something Miranda Donovan should have been used to. In her first eighteen years of life, she'd come to terms that no one stuck around for long. The night she was created into a vampire and introduced to the world of the supernatural, she'd assumed losing those she'd loved was a curse placed on her, but those who entered her life from that moment on and stayed by her side through everything gave her the hope she needed.
Hearing the familiar grunt of the person in Miranda's arms snapped her out of her thoughts. Immediately pulling away from his neck, she let him go, connecting her guilt filled gaze with his own. "I'm sorry," she muttered, beginning to compel him. "I'm so sorry for doing what I did, but I had to. It's the only thing that keeps me strong, and these days I'll take what I can get. Now, I'm going to need you to forget me, and forget the past hour." By the final sentence, Miranda knew she needed to get out of there as the man's dark, brown eyes began turning green, reminding her, once again, of the person she thought would've been the constant in her life... But if things went to plan, she would be seeing Clara again sooner rather than later.
Finding a taxi, Miranda got in and gave the driver the directions, her palms growing sweaty in the process. The feeling of terror, in that moment, was an understatement. When she'd finally gotten through to Vincent, he'd told her just what Clara had been doing and the pain that came with the news was nearly unbearable. But from that moment on, she didn't stop until she knew exactly what was going on, and that's how Miranda found herself in Moscow, her search for her best friend hopefully coming to an end.
"Sorry, could you stop here?" Miranda asked the driver, a few houses down from where she asked to go. As he pulled over, Miranda sat in the backseat, her eyes stuck on the taxi up ahead of her, yet that's not what had her freezing in her spot. As Clara stepped out of the vehicle, Miranda felt as if she were drowning. It had been five years of hell without her best friend... Someone who avoided her the entire time while searching for the one person Miranda knew she wouldn't be able to see.
Tucking her hair behind her ear, Miranda let her senses take over, stepping out of the taxi the second she heard the front door open. Listening to what was being said, she quickened her pace, stopping before turning the corner that would put her into view. Listening closely for Mr. Romanov's response, Miranda took in a deep breath when she heard nothing. Before she could talk herself out of it, she stepped around the corner of the house, her eyes immediately locking with a gaze that reminded her so much of the person she feared most. "We would really like to see your son, Mr. Romanov."
her savior | clara & klaus & miranda & aleks
As soon as she had hung up the phone, Clara made her way back into the living room where she knew Miranda was. But with one quick glance around the room, she saw that her friend was no longer able to stand. Instead the brunette had fallen to the floor behind the couch, and Clara immediately ran to her side. The semi-retired huntress dropped to her knees and took Miranda’s limp body into her arms, pulling the girl close to her. With Miranda’s head placed delicately in her lap, Clara began to smooth the dampened hair from her best friends pale face. “Miranda, hey, open your eyes.” Clara said, her voice quiet and soothing.
Having finished the last of his coffee, Aleksander had no other distraction to stop him from doing what he had originally intended to do with his Thursday night. He had promised himself he would visit Miranda before he left for Russia. He knew it wasn’t permanent. He knew Tatyana adored the states and their safety. He knew he would come back. But an ominous feeling hung on the corner of his heart, and he had to see his angel one more time. He drove through the frosty night and arrived at Miranda’s. He had stopped by the mini market, and had purchased some cheap coffee to relive their peculiar coffee-making tradition. The door to the house was ajar, but Aleksander didn’t think anything of it and walked up to Miranda’s room. The sight before him left him paralyzed and the coffee exploded on the floor when he let it fall along with his entire world.
As Clara finished up her phone call, Miranda knew today was the day. She was surprised she had even lasted this long, yet she wasn’t questioning it. Not anymore— not when she could feel how close she was, and as content as she tried to be, that thought upset her more than she thought it would have. She didn’t want to die, yet as she felt her body weaken to the point where she slowly lowered herself onto the ground, she knew there was nothing she could do. Klaus wouldn’t make it in time— hell, he probably stopped for a bite to eat along the way, but she didn’t blame him. Noticing she had shut her eyes, Miranda slowly opened them to find her head gently lying in Clara’s lap, but there was something else. Another noise that she couldn’t quite hear clearly, yet as she turned her head, she saw Aleksander standing in the doorway, his face showing nothing but pain. “Hey,” she whispered, gently lifting up her hand towards him. “Come join the show.” Miranda hardly recognized her own voice with how dry it sounded, but that didn’t stop her from trying to make those around her happier in situations like these.
You all think that because I’ve done it before that I can just keep doing it. I’ve lost Paul, and my parents, and basically every single friend or love I’ve ever had. Now all I have is you and Klaus and Aleks and Scott. I can’t lose any one of you four. It’ll be like destroying half of myself. I could continue to breath, but what state would I be in, Miranda? Who would I be without you?
You’ll tell them yourself, as soon as Klaus heals you.
Clara, I know that because you're strong. I know it will hurt, but you'll learn to be happy, because you'll know that I'm happy too. This is a messed up world we live in, Clare, but in the end, we all knew if anyone came out of it, it would be you.
I love you, Clara.
No. I’m married to… Tatyana, remember?
Miranda, what happened? You look feverish. Are you sick?
Tatyana? Right— the baby. Oh, wow, I’m sorry.
Yeah, there must be some vampire flu going around— I’m fine, it’s okay. I’m okay.
Miranda, you don’t understand. I don’t want eternity if you’re not by my side. I don’t think I could stand to live a single day with the knowledge that you weren’t out there somewhere, alive and well.
Help is coming. He won’t let us down, Miranda.
Yes you can. You can because you're Clara Saltzman.
You'll tell Poe I love her, right? Make sure Damon is okay too, please-- and tell Aleks... You know what to tell Aleks.
They are right, Miranda— not now. It’s too soon, and I will not lose you. Not now, and not ever. We’re supposed to live out our eternity’s together, you jerk. So don’t you dare abandon me before our time has even begun.
I know you are, but hey, guess what? Sleep is for the weak, and weak you are not. I’ll stay up with you until help comes, Mira.
I already feel like I've been alive for an eternity-- but you haven't. You still have so much time, and now that I know Klaus will always keep you safe, I'm okay with that. I know that now.
Help is coming? Mom-- Clara, I don't need help. I'm fine.
I truly hope he’s happy, Miranda. Thank you. What have your parents said?
They say we'll meet soon enough, but not now. My mom even said you would kick my ass if I went to sleep, so I've been trying to stay awake, but that's usually when the hunger starts.
I'm just so tired, Clara.
I’m constantly worried about my judgy, inconsiderate, beautiful, intelligent and compassionate best friend. So sucks to be you.
Don't be.
You know, minus the burning in my veins, this is as peaceful as I've felt in a while. It's relaxing, in a way. I see my parents a lot now, you know? Almost three times a day-- I even saw Paul. He's happy, and you're just so beautiful, Clara. Seeing you so beautiful and alive makes him happy.
Two fuckin— Miranda, why didn’t you call me? He’ll be here soon, and he’s going to cure you, okay? So stop freaking out. You are going to be perfectly fine.
You have enough on your plate, I didn't want you to have to worry about your judgy and inconsiderate best friend.
I’m not going anywhere, Miranda. You’re my best friend and I’d never leave your side at a time like this. Don’t you know that?
I don't want you to see me, Clare. Please-- I've been like this for two days now, and it's getting worse.