How to explain wanting something but not wanting it? It's not a "please abuse me I love it" it's a "please, abuse me. I hate it, I can't stand it, it makes me sick and I can't sleep and I'm paranoid and I need that." I want it bc I don't want it. I don't like it. That's the point. I want it to actually hurt. I want it to scar me. This isnt some scene we're playing and there's no aftercare, abuse me, I need it. I am not kidding, please, ruin me even further than I already am. I don't know, I need someone to make me worse, because what I really want is an honest gentle love...but I won't get that...I need to be abused..