it's pretty, but you hate yourself

Angel | she/they | I like & make music

[angelreedy]

this is my father’s senior photo from 1972. my very first and very best friend.

for the past few years, his health has been getting bad. surgeries, ICU’s, heart attacks, canes, bloodied and scraped up and injured limbs from the falls he takes after his knees buckle, the list goes on. seeing the best and strongest person i know evaporate before my eyes is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced. i’m at home with him the majority of the time, helping him around the house, making sure he takes his meds, making sure he eats. i wouldn’t trade my time spent with him for anything. he’s the best person in the world to hang out with.

lately we’ve been talking a lot about big things, like philosophical too-big-to-even-comprehend kind of things. life and death, all of the shit in the middle and all of the shit after. he knows i’m afraid of what happens after you die. he lets me sit next to him and cry and calms my neuroses even though he doesn’t understand them. his presence is enough. thinking about one day living in a world without him is almost unbearable but i am trying.

the other day he told me that he thinks we’re soulmates, that we were supposed to know each other; that he’ll find me in the afterlife, without a doubt. “forever and ever and ever, and a day", he said. my main focus these days is sitting next to him for as long as i can sit next to him. listening to his stories over and over and watching his favorite movies and making music for him to listen to because i know it makes him happy. i know it makes him proud.

i keep thinking about one of our summer vacations from years ago. i kept begging him to take me parasailing at the beach, and he kept saying no, but then on one of the last days of vacation, he woke me up so, so early in the morning and we went and did it. he’d had it planned the whole time and kept it a secret so i’d be surprised. just us, 800 feet in the air, watching the sun rise. his smile stretched across his whole face. i hope heaven feels like that.

[angelreedy]

an update, in case anyone cares: my dad sprained his wrist and two of his fingers and hurt his back even further than it’s already has been hurt and has been limping and i’m getting really, really afraid for him. i’m essentially his primary caretaker and watching this all unfold is breaking my heart. not to sound too cheesy, but please send any and all good vibes possible.

[angelreedy]

Oh bitch that story about your dad and the beach made me cry. It's hard watching parents age, but I'm glad you both are so appreciative of each other and have such a strong relationship

aw man, sorry to make you cry haha, but yeah, he’s the best. not to sound too cheesy but i hope everybody has a connection like he and i do.

[angelreedy]

this is my father’s senior photo from 1972. my very first and very best friend.

for the past few years, his health has been getting bad. surgeries, ICU’s, heart attacks, canes, bloodied and scraped up and injured limbs from the falls he takes after his knees buckle, the list goes on. seeing the best and strongest person i know evaporate before my eyes is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced. i’m at home with him the majority of the time, helping him around the house, making sure he takes his meds, making sure he eats. i wouldn’t trade my time spent with him for anything. he’s the best person in the world to hang out with.

lately we’ve been talking a lot about big things, like philosophical too-big-to-even-comprehend kind of things. life and death, all of the shit in the middle and all of the shit after. he knows i’m afraid of what happens after you die. he lets me sit next to him and cry and calms my neuroses even though he doesn’t understand them. his presence is enough. thinking about one day living in a world without him is almost unbearable but i am trying.

the other day he told me that he thinks we’re soulmates, that we were supposed to know each other; that he’ll find me in the afterlife, without a doubt. “forever and ever and ever, and a day", he said. my main focus these days is sitting next to him for as long as i can sit next to him. listening to his stories over and over and watching his favorite movies and making music for him to listen to because i know it makes him happy. i know it makes him proud.

i keep thinking about one of our summer vacations from years ago. i kept begging him to take me parasailing at the beach, and he kept saying no, but then on one of the last days of vacation, he woke me up so, so early in the morning and we went and did it. he’d had it planned the whole time and kept it a secret so i’d be surprised. just us, 800 feet in the air, watching the sun rise. his smile stretched across his whole face. i hope heaven feels like that.

[angelreedy]

you ever get really scared that you're never gonna see anything beautiful before you die? or that you’re never gonna be in love or learn how to talk to people or figure out what you’re really good at? that you’re never gonna get to be in your best friend’s wedding or see your nephew graduate high school or record an album and go on tour or see sylvia plath’s grave or visit alaska with your dad to see the northern lights like you’ve talked about since you were in elementary school or move to the city like you always wanted? you ever get really really scared that all of your best days have already happened and all of the worst ones are still coming?

i’m starting to think maybe i don’t wanna be dead, i just wanna be different. somewhere else. existing differently. (maybe not at all.) i’m always nostalgic for a past life, longing for a past self that is no longer in my grasp, never to be heard from again. sometimes it feels like i’m trapped inside a burning building. sometimes i feel so far away from everything good and happy and right and real.

it's gonna be beautiful, though, you know? it will. the other place between here and there where the light streams in softly through the windowsill and the breeze is never too cold. where the trees are orange all the time and the air always smells like a bonfire. i can smoke as much as i want and my voice will still be beautiful. i'll be thin and gorgeous. or maybe fat and happy. i'll never have been in the closet in the first place. i'll have a different mother, a better mother, a sober mother. my father won't be sick. julie will be there. landon, too. nothingness is just too much to take. i don’t wanna be in the dark forever, i’ve already been in it for long enough here.

there's no way that this is all there is. it's too harsh, too loud, too violent. too many beautiful people are gone. they're somewhere else. they have to be. this has all happened before and it will all happen again. there must be a place where things make sense and things are easy and things are calm. where i can breathe. everything is beautiful and nothing hurts, right? it exists. i feel it. i want it. i'm on my way. i hope.

[hotelhalsey]

YUNGBLUD & Halsey cover Death Cab for Cutie’s ‘I Will Follow You Into The Dark’

[angelreedy]

this cover makes me want to be better and fall in love and build a really beautiful life so i can fully understand this song from the inside out

[carlisle-the-daddy-cullen]

They need to redo twilight by just having the actors go back to the filming locations and try to recreate it from memory

[hollywoodforever]

[bienenkiste]

“The Surreal World”. Photographed by Tim Walker for W December 2014

[kdecember30-deactivated20201130]

“It was like the classic scene in the movies where one lover is on the train and one is on the platform and the train starts to pull away, and the lover on the platform begins to trot along and then jog and then sprint and then gives up altogether as the train speeds irrevocably off. Except in this case I was all the parts: I was the lover on the platform, I was the lover on the train. And I was also the train.”

— Lorrie Moore, A Gate at the Stairs (via fleurishes)

[lousolversons]

Maybe there are still things left for me to do.

[bodyglitter]

no one:

my brain: oh my gosh there is literally soap EVERYWHERRRrrre i dont know what to do no ones home. the paper towels are gone i can’t use anything to wipe it uUUUuuUUUuuup. ohhhh my gosh its literally just dripping look at it its disgusting its like an ice cream DISPENSERRRRrrrrRRRrrrrr

[allaboutrings]

Victorian Blue Guilloche Enamel and Rose Cut Diamond Heart Ring

[yassmines]

i love a little red eyeshadow on the lower lid…its a little sexy and a little bit like oh no :( what happened

[chanelbagsandcigarettedrags]

[folkheartedmystic]

victorian lockets and brooches 💗

[pinkmisspiggy]

being touchstarved makes u absolutely buckwild when someone does smth simple like .share a chair with u

[pinkmisspiggy]

like having someone touch your hand with the tips of their fingers shouldn’t feel like So Much it shouldn’t feel like your whole body is going into anaphylactic shock but here we are. here we are.

[pinkmisspiggy]

ok 2 many of u relate

[kaijuhearmenow]

Someone gave me a compliment and reached out and squeezed my hand and I fell in love and couldn’t speak for several minutes

[311616am]