this is my father’s senior photo from 1972. my very first and very best friend.
for the past few years, his health has been getting bad. surgeries, ICU’s, heart attacks, canes, bloodied and scraped up and injured limbs from the falls he takes after his knees buckle, the list goes on. seeing the best and strongest person i know evaporate before my eyes is the most painful thing i’ve ever experienced. i’m at home with him the majority of the time, helping him around the house, making sure he takes his meds, making sure he eats. i wouldn’t trade my time spent with him for anything. he’s the best person in the world to hang out with.
lately we’ve been talking a lot about big things, like philosophical too-big-to-even-comprehend kind of things. life and death, all of the shit in the middle and all of the shit after. he knows i’m afraid of what happens after you die. he lets me sit next to him and cry and calms my neuroses even though he doesn’t understand them. his presence is enough. thinking about one day living in a world without him is almost unbearable but i am trying.
the other day he told me that he thinks we’re soulmates, that we were supposed to know each other; that he’ll find me in the afterlife, without a doubt. “forever and ever and ever, and a day", he said. my main focus these days is sitting next to him for as long as i can sit next to him. listening to his stories over and over and watching his favorite movies and making music for him to listen to because i know it makes him happy. i know it makes him proud.
i keep thinking about one of our summer vacations from years ago. i kept begging him to take me parasailing at the beach, and he kept saying no, but then on one of the last days of vacation, he woke me up so, so early in the morning and we went and did it. he’d had it planned the whole time and kept it a secret so i’d be surprised. just us, 800 feet in the air, watching the sun rise. his smile stretched across his whole face. i hope heaven feels like that.
an update, in case anyone cares: my dad sprained his wrist and two of his fingers and hurt his back even further than it’s already has been hurt and has been limping and i’m getting really, really afraid for him. i’m essentially his primary caretaker and watching this all unfold is breaking my heart. not to sound too cheesy, but please send any and all good vibes possible.


















