Dear Diary

This is what my thoughts look like after they have been thrown up

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

That Point

My cheeks haven't felt dry in hours

Salt water tracks line my face

Feeling sticky and tight and cold

My face is never this disoriented

Nor has it felt so fucking heavy

And I feel as tears well up again

Racing down to meet ones end

In a stream of lost feelings and hope

Disappearing into nothing

As I shatter into indistinguishable pieces

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Fake it

They say its okay to be sad

But you aren't allowed to show it

Paint on a happy face

Fake it till you make it

Because eventually you might just believe it's okay

Feelings become benign and everything goes numb

So your body doesn't see the avalanche of overwhelming despair

It destroys and overcomes killing any lingering hope of sun

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

This place

It's weird being in this room

Laying in the same position as I did then

When I was so much smaller

Wondering about who I would be

Would I be braver?

Would I be stronger?

Would I ever be loud enough to tell them who I want to be?

Would my voice be heard above all the nasty voices in my head

Telling me I would only ever make a noise if I bled

Because tears were only allowed here in this safe place

Under this roof where I grew up

I still wonder all the same things

But when I look at them I know

Every moment brought me closer to the best parts of me

And they shine through with bursts of laughter and mischievous grins

Lighting my life when the dark thoughts descend

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Tumblr. Pure effervescent enrichment. Old internet energy. Home of the Reblogs. All the art you never knew you needed. All the fandoms you c

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

2 hour shower

Droplets of water formed over and over on the dirty faucet

Dripping down in tandam to the tears streaming down her face

As she broke apart concentrating on their decent to rock bottom

While she slowly rocked letting liquid cascade into a frenzy of panic

Holding her demon at bay

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Release

The need courses through my veins

To see crimson on my skin

These self deprecating thoughts drive me to skim

The blade down my arm

Let it pour

Let it win

Eat me alive

Drown me in blood

Allow the mania to show

While I spiral out of control

My demon wants to feast

While it locks away the sane

To take the reins for a while

And block me from the pain

Of my life dripping down the drain

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Brave

There was a time in my life where you made me feel so small

Unseen

Unheard

Unwanted

Like a wilted flower begging for the sun

Plucking my petals only leaving a mess

You hurt me to hurt her because I was an easier target

Not even having to aim you destroyed your child

There are scars on this body

And blood stains

Carved in retribution

Claiming control

Fighting back at only ten and two

With fire in my eyes and anger in my heart

Protecting myself in a house of cowards

Remembering I had a voice

I was not silent

And I would no longer allow you to bully me into submission

I prevailed

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

3:40 AM

Dear diary

Sleep evades me as it creeps over eyelids barely dusting

Slowly blinking away the residue of dreams

That play rapidly beneath a forgetful sky

Who when awake stares blankly

While wondering nothings

Contemplating ways to try

To slumber peacefully without dying

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

My Love

We are not perfect

Yet you are perfect for me

Opposites in most things

You the glass is half empty

Me the glass is half full

We work

In ways that surprise me

You ground me while driving me crazy

My love you bring out the best in me

With your strength and chaos

You give me a voice when everything is too loud

And quiet my fears by holding back my demon

While giving me time to heal

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Never just a Crutch

I read through our letters hopping to find inspiration

How I felt when you were the reason I kept breathing

You allowed me to scream, yell, cry and lose myself

All while piecing me back together

Not perfectly but enough

Enough to find my way out of the dark

With scars but alive

Blood stained and carved

We held each other while drifting apart

Yet together survived for others

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

I'm 26

I now understand why people forget their age after they turn 30

It's not that we forget but we don't want to come to the reality that our dreams are no longer our same dreams

That what they told us growing up was never attainable

They painted scenes of happy perfect lies

Asking you at 5 what you want to be when you grow up

But refuse to give you the help and tools you need

Building our confidence while teaching we are not all equal

What reason is there to want to remember such a let down

The fact that they said you will be on top just to trample right as you begin to want

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Misunderstandings

The text that night wasn't for you

It was for him

Who i try to seduce

When he isn't paying me attention

While across the room

But im my stupor it got sent to you

Im sorry

You deserve better

But i get tongue tided when around you

I want to seem cool

Put together

But the bottle gives me confidence

But also makes me loose.

But i let you down

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Why do I care

I don't always say what I mean

Because I fear what others think

Why do I care

It's basic human theology

We all want to make sense

Yet, we confuse truths for lies

And lies for truth

Because it makes more sense to believe deceit

Then, the truth that we actually see gets muddled

I hate this

But i love you

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Adenomyosis

This pain affects me everyday

I grow tired and restless

Wanting to feel normal

But it's hard to breathe

When the stabbing ache sets in

I feel weighed down

Broken

So aware of my heartbeat that panic sets in

Everything hurts yet I can't feel a thing

Numb

I count down the days

Longing for my body not to shake

And my mind to quiet

To feel alive

Yet this exhaustion grounds me in a way that is suffocating

Dragging me closer to my end

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

St. Andrew's Cross

I talked to a therapist

They say it's daddy issues

Why I feel pleasure from pain when I fuck

Apparently, it's my way of dealing with trauma

That fight or flight reaction

It doesn't exist in my head

That's why when I see the brusies, I get satisfaction

I still have control while giving up being in control

As the whip comes down

I pant in anticipation

To feel my walls torn down

Forced into submission

Every emotion on display

As euphoria takes the fear away

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Speaking one's mind

If I were to speak freely, the words would not stop

They would tumble out of my mouth as if on stampede

Every fragment toppling over the next trying to reach the exit

Ready to burst out

Reaching a crescendo from all the years of holding back

Until all that's left of me is a raw cavern

Ready to be filled again

[animeandpoetryandstuff]

Mania

When the mania sets in

And your feelings go black

There's no one to save you from inside your mind

So you let it slide

While going blind

Escaping the havoc that's rooted its vine

Let it seize the power for a while

So be happy it says

Smile real big

Maybe they won't see see see see

Her glitch if she she she

Goes si sile silen si silent for a while