changes - hajime iwaizumiĀ
warnings/tags: angst, friends to lovers, fuckboy!hajime x reader, jealousy, mutual pining/obliviousness, smut!, unprotected sex,Ā fingering, overstimulation, fem focused smut.Ā
length: 10k (mother of god this is literally the longest oneshot ive written to date wtf??)Ā
authors note: this fic was born out of me having major writers block. like super bad writers block so i just started writing and ended up here. ive been staring at this shit for so long i dont even know if its good but i worked decently hard on it so i mean?? i hope even 1 person likes this please god.Ā
plot summary: now seniors in college, you and hajime were inseperable best friends. after hajime gets his heartbroken his freshman year, he turns to one nightstands trying to reverse the damage but youāre the only piece that doesnāt fit. what will he do when he realizes heās risking losing his soulmate?Ā
Iwaizumi leans up in bed, watching you as you pull a shirt over your head. Thereās a silence in the air - a tenseness that neither of you can shake. You should probably stop doing this - right? So why havenāt you? The question sits in the bottom of your throat, making it a little hard to breathe but not because you were sad. This wasnāt something to be sad about, thatās what this distance was for after all. You take a deep breath, pulling your hair up, as you lean on the palms of your hands and look to the ceiling.Ā
āBe careful with me, Hajime,ā the words arenāt accusatory. a suggestion really. He chuckles a little bit, and thereās a level of apathy in his voice that makes your stomach turn. You donāt really recognize him anymore, admittedly. So, youāre unsure of whether or not itās worth your time to try to explain the situation heās in. You loved him sure, and more than likely he loved you back - but you were just friends and for good reason. Friends who sleep together, but not lovers. Never lovers.Ā
Thereās history there. You met Iwaizumi in your freshman year of college, at a party before either of you really had any infamy or connection. He was a cute brunette with a heart of gold, friends with Oikawa Tooru who was already quite the flirt. He wasnāt like that, and though you found him attractive, he was good in conversation. He was funny, and intelligent. His looks stopped being important because you were attracted to his personality - all you wanted was to be friends. Real, solid friends.Ā
So you did. You wereĀ Hajimeās best female friend, and that worked for you. Sometimes you care about someone so much that your title would never matter - it was the friendship that kept you around. You liked being his best friend because that Hajime was just for you. Sleep deprived Iwaizumi who facetimes with you, and calls you ugly, and posts shitty pictures of you. Iwaizumi who could crack dumb jokes with you, or make you laugh so hard your stomach hurts. He was a good friend when it was just you two, alone - like a whole different person. Alone together, when you were in his company as friends it was like you two against the world. He was there for you if you needed him, and you always had his back when the time called.Ā
Sometimes you meet people who are more than friends, or lovers - but soulmates on a level far beyond what the heart can see. Hajime taught you to believe in something as corny as soulmates because even if he was never your boyfriend, his heart would always be stained with pieces of you. Like a mosaic of shattered glass, if you shine light on his being - thereās a picture of you spread on the floor with an eager smile with laughter that brings you to tears. Soulmates, like each and every piece of you would always have a piece of him too. It was something so far beyond love. Something bigger and brighter, and heavier too.Ā
You were sure that he was your soulmate on some level, and it didnāt matter if you dated or not. Admittedly, you know there would never be a person you love in the same way you love him - and you could accept that.
Sleeping together hadnāt been your idea. It was his, one day out of the blueĀ - the two of you were hanging out and he kisses you. He doesnāt speak on it, and you donāt ask - even suppressed emotions come out sometime and sex was just one of the many ways it manifests. You wonder if he kisses other girls the way he kisses you, but not in a jealous or bitter way. You would be surprised if he did. You know him better than he would ever know himself, because it was always you by his side. He could never hide from you, even if he tried too.Ā
It was a year into being friends that he was different. He got his heart-broken by the girl he was dating, and his solution was to see how many girls he could get in his blackbook. He needed an ego boost, and you understood what the intent was, even though you advised against it. It just escalated from there, and suddenly he had been single for two years but had a body count in the double digits and enough unsaved numbers to scare anyone. You werenāt mad at him for it, but you never approved of it either. It was clearly getting in his head - his fear of being vulnerable was trumped by a false sense of importance that he spent so much time perfecting. Three years of being on top of the world, you canāt say you would let it go either. Narcissism is a lot easier to tackle then emptiness and fear - so you just watch him as he buries himself in one night stands.Ā
You get it. He wasnāt a bad person, but he needed to feel like he belonged. To something, or to someone. It was all he could lean on - far too afraid of the reality that you brought him. It would scare anyone to be so vulnerable, but sometimes when you look in his eyes you see the person you love so dearly. And it makes you stay. That person is worth it. That person makes you feel like everything will be okay.Ā
He realizes that he could never fuck you in the way he fucks them, because youāre you. Youāre his best friend, whose picked him up a hundred times after heād fallen. The person who helped through his first breakup, the one who took care of him when he sprained his ankle playing soccer, and who regularly drops by to help him study. The person whose place he can crash at when heās drunk, who he can trust with everything, who makes him feel like heās on top of the world just by being there. He can bury his dick in you and pretend he doesnāt care but you know better and so does he.Ā
Iwaizumi was in too deep with you, because when heās with you - he isnāt numb. You never look at him any different, never idolizing him or making him to be a monster because to you heās just human. You saw through him, and he canāt say he expected any less. He would never expect any less from you. It was starting to get to both of you. That much is clear and the threshold for this awkward dance around your feelings was breaking steadily.Ā
You already knew everything there was to know, but you donāt think he does. The reality was catching up with you quickly, and soon enough youāre not sure you can stay around him. Youād always have his back, but if this was the path he wanted to follow you donāt want to chase behind him. You donāt want to reach out for a friend who only exists in memories, to a soulmate whose broken off from his soul entirely. You loved him so sincerely, but you loved you too.Ā
āWhat are you on about?,ā he replies. Youāre brought back to reality, and you take a breath. You can hear it in his voice, the way it shakes when you speak - like itās just what heās waiting for. You know thereās a part of him who knows what might be coming, but his ego is suffocating his reason so you just sigh - shaking your head as you stand up. He watches as you stand, the curves of your skin under the light. You wonder what the right decision is - but your stomach churns at the way things are. What were you saving? Who were you fighting for when your Hajime is nowhere to be found? You turn to look at him, and thereās a flash of reality in his face that disappears just as fast as it came. You stare at him pointedly, and then run a hand through your hair.Ā
āI miss you,ā is all you say at first. He stares at you, for a second and he feels a lump in his throat.Ā
āIām here,ā he replies, throat dry. Such a simple exchange that carries all this weight, and you shake your head. He stares at you for a second, and you have that piercing gaze that swallows him up.Ā
āYou know what I mean, Iwa,ā you donāt use his first name and he flinches. He flinches because you look through him so easily, like you know everything about him because you do and heās never been more scared. He braces himself for whatever you say. Instead, you look at him with a pained expression before shaking your head, looking for your sweatpants and sliding them on. He watches you shuffle around the room, and suddenly things are just too real. He feels like heās losing grip on reality, so he opens his phone to relieve that tense emotions that settle in his stomach.Ā
āAre you going to Oikawaās party later?,ā he asks, desperately wanting to change the subject. You swallow the bile that threatened to spill as you turn to look at him, giving him another deep talk. The Hajime you know wouldāve asked you about it. You shrug, thinking about it for a second and then nodding. He gives you an awkward smile - and you smile back, ingenuine because you realize youāre smiling at a stranger. Youāve been laying in bed with one too, and you feel sick. Youāre dressed, with your bag over your shoulder and he stares hard. Both of you are waiting for a conversation that wonāt come so you cut things short before it gets too painful.Ā
āIāll see you later, Hajime,ā and it isnāt meant to sound like a goodbye. Both of you notice how much it does as you leave his apartment with a sigh. He curses under his breath when he watches you leave, and thereās a dull ache that heās itching to fill. He refuses to hurt again.Ā
Even if a part of him knows losing you will hurt worse.Ā
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