Anjirose

My thoughts are caged and I have to set them free.

[anjirosie]

The First Time

The first time I heard your name reminded me of all the Sebastians I've encountered, and read, and had a crush on from my favorite books.

The first time I've laid eyes on you reminded me of a warm feeling I've never felt my whole life.

The first time I've talked to you felt like I've found the person people call soulmate.

And the first time I told you about all this felt as if everything fell into its right place.

[anjirosie]

Warmth

The sun went down. So did my mood, and everything else came crashing down. It felt like everything's bleak and cold and hopeless, but at the end of that dark, damp tunnel--your silhouette.

It gave me a tinge of hope. I approached you, then a few feet later, you turned. I couldn't see your smile, but I know you were smiling. I could feel.

You held your hand out, and waited. I was hesitant at first, but you weren't, so you stepped forward and took mine--my hand.

Warmth.

After years of being in a cold, dark place, I found warmth with you. And I knew I'd be safe, so I clasped my hand around yours, and you took me out of the chasm.

[anjirosie]

where is all these talk about loneliness coming from? ive know you personally and you were such a strong lady, with an equally fiery personality. when did it all dwindle down into, this?

Ah. I don't really know when. Does it matter to know?

[anjirosie]

;

I won't say that it's okay because it's really not. I know it's hard to tell anyone about what we really feel because sometimes, even we--ourselves--don't understand why. It's hard to say anything even if they say they'll listen, and that they're open. But let's have the courage to do so. It's really hard because at some point, we'll have thoughts about ourselves that we're just burden to them, and all we ever think about is all the negative aspects about ourselves. It's really hard to look at the bright side, but trust me, all it takes is courage to move if you ever feel stuck.

Some people have killed themselves at some point. Some are bound to get lost only to find great things. Remember that quitting is the only sign of failure. If we don't quit, we won't ever fail, plus there's still room for improvement. We don't have to quit.

There may be so many things not worth living anymore, but notice all the people who love you. Who want you to stay. I know it's taking a toll on you. But try to look at these great things around you. You have real friends supporting your back. You're a treasure to them, okay?

Sometimes, having a lot of people in your life drains you. When you get to adulthood, trust me, all you ever will need is that handful. At this point, I suggest you focus on these people who really sees you as you are for they are the ones who deserve your time and effort. Invest in people who invest in you.

These toxic people who believe this definition of you, they definitely don't deserve to be part of your life. It's easy saying that since I don't know the whole story, but as long as you're breathing, living, chances for life improvements will keep on coming in your life. It probably wouldn't be much of a help telling you that you're not alone in this phase, but still. Their definition of you doesn't really define who you really are. You know who you are better than they do. They may judge you, use you, but you will never fall into their traps again, right? We're fighters. We'll fight them off if we have to.

Remember you're the one that matters as of now. It may sound selfish but since taking our lives seems selfish as well, we may as well look at the brighter side. Sometimes, you got to love yourself more.

[anjirosie]

Why do you write? :)

I write to release these emotions I've kept for so long. :3

[anjirosie]

Never In A Heartbeat

Never in a heartbeat

would I ever regret

meeting you,

seeing you,

being with you,

choosing you

however obscure

it is

because you are

the greatest—

bestest gift

I've ever received.

-A

[anjirosie]

Used to be brimming with love and passion but the world is cruel and I will live breaking its cruelty because I refuse to bend. This is my newfound passion.

[anjirosie]

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to run away with someone rather than go alone? Wouldn't it be nice to know you're able to go with someone you love or someone very dear to you? Wouldn't it feel great to be with someone because being alone would be utterly miserable, and you won't actually be able to run away because loneliness haunts you?

[anjirosie]

Hello, World

Hello, World. You're probably thinking I shouldn't be writing to you since I don't have—I can't possibly have—any question because I bear the knowledge about your cruelty. I am writing to you because I have no one to talk to. I am writing to you to ease the pain—which I actually doubt. I am so sad. So so lonely. Pathetic. Pathetically empty. Being myself is too much of a task. I had to battle you, World, so I could be real. I had to go through hot coals so I could just be myself. But I'm being too much of an abomination—a curse. A disappointment for merely being myself. And I currently have no courage to end my life. There is a tinge of hope in me that maybe—in some way—I could show you I'm worth it. That it's really really okay to be different. It's slowly diminishing, World. I hope you drain it fast. I'm tired. Please let me rest. I would like to stop fighting.

[anjirosie]

Must I? Musn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I? This is when my cowardice surfaces. This is when all swords and spears and arrows and bullets pierce the entirety of my being. This is when the reality of unimportance of my existence sinks in. Sometimes, you can't do anything but continue breathing and be a burden to the world. And sometimes you think that you're not actually a burden. You're just nothing. You could die and an atom-sized portion of the world will mourn for your death, and all will be well again. You could die, but you can't. You're brave but you really aren't.

[anjirosie]

Escape

Joy. Sadness. Disgust. Fear. Anger. I've shut them all down, and I don't feel anything anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. Child, this is how it is in the real world. This is how cruel life is. When you become purposeless and you don't feel the love around you if there's something at all—and you're different, people look at you like you're of the insane, you either start looking forward to death or you don't give a damn about death. Death is your fire exit. Death is your escape.

[anjirosie]

Recognition

We didn't have a single clue on what will happen. We sat there at the seaside, enjoying tranquility. Enjoying the view. The sun set like conflagration hugging the sea. Seagulls flew crying out peace and harmony. I turned to look at you only to see you were already looking, and I felt a spark--a flash of recognition as if I've seen you before.

Were you my prince of a past life?

[anjirosie]

Woke up at 4:30 am. Stayed in bed for 7 minutes.Got up at 4:37.

Usual routine: wake up, stay in bed for 5-30 minutes, get on my feet.

Sometimes I get tired of it, but there’s nothing I can do but keep moving. Stopping gets anyone nowhere.

It’s a shame to start every day like that. My heart isn’t into anything and everything I do, and then I realize my heart has been missing. So I ponder. Recall the days I was excited--recall the days I feel to survive, not just plainly breathe. Quitting has always been an option, but I refuse to take that option. I will not be a failure in this life.

I refuse to be.

[anjirosie]

Indifference

Your words, no matter how honest you've become, seem to be impervious to an overly confident person. You wanted to break him and let him know that this is what you really feel and that it's the truth but he doesn't yield; he persists being skeptic about the change you've laid out. He believes that you don't have the guts to do it, and nothing's more painful than be repudiated. It felt like a conspiracy against you. A ploy. A spark igniting rage within you.

"Because it's not a lie if it's how you feel." -All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven 

[anjirosie]

I miss the memories. I miss what we used to be and what we've been through, but never have I wished for us to go back the way we were. Because that’s just the way it has to be. I’m better off without someone dragging me down.

[anjirosie]

Everybody, at some point, must hate the world we live in. We sometimes feel like the world is doing everything to make us suffer, using everything at its disposal, conspiring against us.

[anjirosie]

Have you ever felt the pounding of your heart as if someone's locked inside, uttering desperate pleas to get out, and when you choose to open it--when you choose to open your heart--you find yourself covered in blood and dirt with fractured bones and splinters protruded about?