Yesterday morning started off pretty typical to most mornings in the Chase household. Eliseo woke us up pretty early. Nathan went in to get him and bring him into our room, where tears turn to joy because Seo knows he’ll be getting breakfast shortly. Yeah…predictable. Yesterday, however, something was very different. For me, it was the first day being a mama without a job outside the home. WHAT!? I almost wrote that it’s the first time being a full-time mama, but something about that really bothers me. I’ve always been a full-time mama. Having a job outside the home didn’t stop that part of my life or put that role on hold just because I was at work–my pumping schedule was a clear reflection of that truth! Now I’m still a full-time mama…I just don’t get a paycheck anymore. I think the angst over what to call myself actually uncovers a really raw part of processing through the change that happened this week. I’m not sure I even understand why I feel this way, or that there is one particular reason, but it is very challenging for me to step into the role of a stay at home mama (SAHM), even if it’s not a permanent status. With nothing on the horizon workwise, aside from my doTERRA essential oils business, I’m not sure when this status will change. I have a lot of questions and a lot of insecurities that buzz around in my head. What if I never return to traditional “work”? What will my working peers think of me for not having a “real” job? How can I call myself a feminist and not have a job outside the home? Will anyone take me seriously now that I’m “just” a mom? I got my Masters to stay at home? Clearly, I have a lot of processing to do. None of these thoughts are meant to judge anyone else out there in my shoes. They are simply that. My thoughts.
So, why did I stop working then? Was I fired? Haha. No, I voluntarily left my position. It was a combination of many factors, and last month when I made the decision to leave, it was so very clear to me that it was time. The cost and instability of childcare, the challenge of doing a job that wasn’t really meant for part-time work, the pressure and stress in my position that far outweighed the compensation, etc, etc. When I mentioned to the Hubs that I thought that God was telling me it was time for me to leave, he said, “I’ve been feeling that way for a while now but I knew you needed to get there before I said anything.” Glad we were on the same page! Have I mentioned I have the best husband ever?! I put in my notice and now here we are!
Anyway, so the quote about it being hard to say goodbye is really applicable to the amazing CARES Teams that I managed for the last year an a half. They are incredibly stellar individuals and I will miss working with them SO MUCH. Monday night, my colleague hosted our monthly CARES Meeting and used the bulk of the time for teams to say goodbye and send me off with prayers and blessings. I was totally overwhelmed by the kindness shown me and the incredible grace extended by everyone there. Good thing words of affirmation are right up there on my list of love languages. Many tears were shed, and so many hugs given (yay!). I hope that in the years to come, wherever God calls me, I am able to live up to the things shared last night. Thank goodness I’m not moving, so I can still see these great folks again soon.
I’m hoping to use the blog again to record my process and musings as a SAHM. Hopefully I’ll be more consistent than in the past, but who knows. I’m not promising anything. For sure you’ll see things about my oils business, which will hopefully grow a bit to make up for some of our lost income, but also some processing of life post-NYC (it’s already been 2 years since our move!), some of the things that God taught me while living in New York, my thoughts on what it means to be a woman (a white woman, a Christian, a mama, etc.), thoughts on the church, etc. I’m kinda excited! Thanks for reading and please keep me (and Nathan and Eliseo) in your prayers through this transition time.