anniecakes

. annie . scorpio to the core . thirty something .

[annie-kathleen]

It’s been over 3 years since I talked to you. Talking about you doesn’t help. I recounted our timeline tonight. And I realized that even though you cross my mind daily, I have no narrative to our story after mid 2020. I often find myself wondering; what are you doing now? Are you achieving dreams that our past selves would’ve gawked at? Are you miserably stagnant? How many times have you had Covid? Do you still love craft beer? How often do you cry? I look back on my own blog here, reading my other messages to you. It pisses me off that I still have the same thoughts on you; daydreaming about seeing you in public somewhere and wondering if I would be able to hold it together…. I honestly don’t think I would be able to hold it together.

[annie-kathleen]

As time goes by, I become more and more aware of its insignificance. In regards to friendships, relationships, family..... I’ve always been a believer and an advocate for the notion that you can meet someone who becomes more important to you within 3 months than someone who you’ve known for 15 years. Time is a social construct that humans have become obsessed with.

You were my best friend. There is absolutely no question about whether or not I was in love with you: I fell in and out countless times. But perhaps the simplicity of that sentence is all the explanation needed to “justify” why we can’t and won’t be in each other’s lives anymore.

[pr1nceshawn]

The ‘Super Mario Bros.’ Theme Song on Marimba by percussionist Aaron DeWayne.

[skyr1ms-remade-deactivated20190]

@gamersonic

[hogwartsconsultingtimelady]

When he switched to the dungeon theme I lost my mind

[yeetednbeeted-deactivated202003]

I am the happiest person alive right now

[agirlnamedally]

i can’t wait until i’m living with my soulmate somewhere near the mountains, taking our dogs on hikes, dancing around our kitchen to music and buying fresh produce from farmers markets on a sunday morning

[hydro-homies]

Important to remember

[ruinedchildhood]

Please rise for the national anthem.

[royalartefakt]

[annie-kathleen]

I need someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel the way I feel. I need someone, who knows me and who knows you, to tell me that I’m not crazy. I sit and think and think and think and think, and ultimately get so twisted in my own head that I can no longer validate my own emotions. It’s not enough for me to be the only one who tells myself “the way you feel is okay.”

I know that I would benefit from going to a therapist. There are things other than you in my life that I should get help coping with. But to be honest, I don’t really think about those other issues all that often.

My dad.... I mean, he’s not any less involved in my life now than he always has been. I know he needs help, but I frankly don’t want to be the one who burdens myself with helping him. That’s selfish, probably. But being “distant” from him is actually normal for me... and normal for him. It’s really hard to want to help someone who doesn’t seek help for themselves.

CK.... I honestly don’t know what the best course of action is. I seem to find myself in this position frequently- getting myself deeply into a relationship that I’m not actually deeply into emotionally. It sucks. I feel like I have no fucking self control. And now I’m stuck between two painful options.

I’ve noticed since we started talking again that I have much more anxiety. I find myself contemplating ridiculous scenarios in which I’d even have the opportunity to see you again. And then I contemplate the even more ridiculous scenarios in which we are together again. Ha. You’d probably read this and laugh at me. Maybe somewhere deep down you know how I feel, but I’m sure there’s a part of you that is surprised by it as well. This idiotic devotion I still have.

Our relationship went from a few years of great friends, to a few months of the most intense passion overwhelming love I’ve ever experienced, to this. The non-stop internal fight between wanting to just accept the way I truly feel, and wanting to chuck those feelings off of a 90-foot cliff.

Maybe I just need closure? Maybe it’s the lack of a resolution that I’ve never gotten that makes me daydream about the resolution I’d be satisfied with...

[timeaway]

I hope someday the timing is right

[10000bc]

im the weird dad, wine mom, vodka aunt, and gay emo cousin all in one person

[tytranosaurusrex]

becoming an adult is essentially having all your friends in different cities and permanently missing someone

[annie-kathleen]

Do certain songs make you think of me?

Surprisingly there aren’t a lot of songs that trigger thoughts of you, but when it happens it’s consuming. And I can’t help but wonder if the same songs spark the same memory in your head as they do in mine.

The timing of when songs or albums have come into my life has had a huge role in defining who I am as a person. I think about specific albums and the impact they had because of the other things happening in my life at that time. Would it have been the same if I had heard those songs for the first time 1 year later? What would be different if I hadn’t heard them at all?

[sixpenceee]

Information on the Dyslexie font. What an amazing concept.

[writingitdown]

i can’t shake the feeling that i’ll always either be too much or not enough. too much to handle, but never enough to satisfy. 

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

take care of yourself first.

[annie-kathleen]

There’s not a single day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind. But today felt like you held my mind hostage. I day dreamt about seeing you again. I day dreamt about our past. I let my mind get lost in the happy memories. Usually I have to force myself to remember the negatives too. Telling myself that what I miss wasn’t worth the pain. And even despite the immense amount of pain that I endured because of knowing you, I think I’m convinced that you will always cross my mind.

I wonder what you’re up to. If you’re still drinking. I wonder if you have a girlfriend. I fantasize about getting on an airplane and showing up where I know you were last. The way my heart feels about you makes me fantasize about stupid things like that.

That’s the crazy part about you; even though your negatives make me dislike you on an inconceivable level, your positives make me love you thru it. Still.

Loving you makes me feel like a damn idiot. And all of the time I spend thinking about you, wondering about your life, day dreaming about our past, it makes me realize that those little strings... the ones that we used to say connected our hearts... they’re fucking real. We can cut them and stretch them and they still keep growing back. Right now they’re really weak, but I think they’re still there.

Maybe I’m mentally ill for thinking this way still. I’m sure my friends would think so. But I don’t talk about you. Everyone who knew you, they would be surprised to hear me bring you up. And I still struggle with the judgement I feel from them about you, even if now it’s only hypothetical.

Growing up is hard. Currently I’m struggling badly with knowing what I want for my future. I think that’s why I think of you so often; you were the first person I ever truly believed I’d be with in the future. And anyone I’ve ever contemplated it with since has made me question if I’m capable of committing like that to someone else.

Because what if you come back? What if we reconnect and we are able to live the life together that we always talked about? What if we can look past the flaws in each other... there’s a part of me that considers these insane what ifs on a regular basis. Do you do it too?

[hplyrikz]

“This year taught me that my loneliness has more to do with myself than anyone else. The loneliest I will ever be is when I do not have the strength to love myself.”

— Marianna Paige (via hplyrikz)