Flicker in flight.

[annoyingohsean]

I haven’t been here for a while.

Another reminder that I am a thorn in anyone’s life I care about. I can try to de- escalate a situation and end up making it worse for both parties.

I find it weird that death does not scare me. But when it’s someone else speaking about wanting to approach death, I am fearful. Am I scared that death will not think twice and take them? Am I scared that despite all these years of befriending death, I know they will betray me when I least expect it?

Hey, death. What are you up to anyway, why don’t you linger somewhere else.

I’m trying to find ways to not kill myself. And to be honest, just distracting myself and looking for things worth living for actually does help.

I am just scared that the reason I am living for….wants to not live anymore.

And I can’t convince her out of it.

And I even used fear to try to calm them down. Though I am not proud of it.

Why do you make it easy for people to want to meet you so bad?

Have you actually been my friend? Or have I been neglecting you? Is this your way of vengeance?

Do you think we will catch up again soon?

Could you stay away for a while longer? I have introduced people to you, Death. I was scared I was wrong to make your acquaintance so soon. But you take them anyway. This job makes me so hollow.

I fucking hate it.

I fucking hate everything.

I just want to die, too.

But I can’t.

Not at the moment? My health has been failing me.

And I know I could break down soon. But I want to be strong.

Don’t be too friendly, Death.

You are the most welcoming thing. But just try not to be, for my sake.

Please?

[annoyingohsean]

(They've been on the floor)

I can never be enough.

Sometimes it's those leaps of faith that people want. All scenarios can be played out and those are the ones that make the good stories.

But I am not meant for good stories. I am not meant to be told about. I am not meant to be passed down. Hell, I won't even make a mark in this world. I could disappear as easily and be completely forgotten.

The disappointment in your eyes bores through my soul...and consumes me.

I am trash. I am worthless. Sunk-cost fallacy, she says. I feel she already thinks she's wasting her time with me.

Scared of burden, that's what I look like. But scared, nonetheless.

I may never amount to what you want. I may always measure up just about to the limit, but still not quite. I will always try to make it up but maybe it just isn't adequate anymore.

Life does go on. At an alarming pace, as we've observed. And I am still taking small steps with these pretend big man shoes.

Another point convincing that life just isn't for me.

Please someone just...kill me.

[annoyingohsean]

Fucking die, Sean, you worthless piece of shit.

You will never get anything right in this world. And you are a fucking waste of space. And you are wasting everyone else’s time and memory.

So please.

Just do the whole world a favor

And

Sleep

And just…don’t ever wake up.

Please. Don’t wake up. Please

[annoyingohsean]

Fucking die already

[annoyingohsean]

Hey, Sean.

Why is connecting so hard?

Why are you so boring?

Why are you so dull?

You're not worth talking to.

You're not worth hanging out with.

Nobody wants to be around you.

Why don't you just kill yourself and disappear

[annoyingohsean]

Today, I realized...how much of a fool I make of myself. I sit around and wait for things to get better. When they never are. I feel like time is just staying still. Like I'm feeling the days turn into weeks...and into months. But I'm exactly where I still was before. I feel the pressures of life slowly push me down. But I feel more weightless than before. I feel the spirit inside slowly disappearing. I feel the fire that used to burn with rage, slowly, fade. The blues in the flames turn orange. And the source isn't giving enough fuel anymore.

I feel the desolation slowly creep back everytime I am reminded of happiness. But how do I forget about all this. If only I could change how my mind was wired. If only I could replace bits and pieces inside my heart. Then maybe, I can feel normal.

I fear that finally becoming normal will be the death of me.

How do I put things into place? Or how will I know my place?

I wonder if I'll even know if I died.

Or maybe even my corpse won't have a place.

Is there a place for people that weren't meant to be made? A place for people that weren't meant for this world? Or would I be of more use as part of the ground. Maybe decay is a much better role.

Today, I realized...everything is not what it seems anymore. And that walls are only big because of how big you make it to be. But no matter how high, and no matter how anything gets through, walls are on the outside. And it's hard to reach you when you're on your throne making more walls between you and them.

[annoyingohsean]

Oh wow. It's. That sinking feeling again. I haven't felt you in a while. And wow, I want to cry. And I just can't. I'm losing it. I'm zoning out too often. I don't feel like I'm still here. Am I? Oh god. I can't. I'm going to be alone in a while. But. I'm not alone yet. Yet why do I feel so lonely? Fuck. I'm going to turn out crazy, aren't I? I'll crave connection so much that I'll force others to give it to me.

Or I don't know, Sean. Are you just a bit much? You're scared to be too much, aren't you? Because you fear you won't make sense. You fear that no one would really listen. Or no one would really care.

You want to set things straight with people but you fear saying something definite will push them farther away. You want people to think you're cool. You want people to think you're someone worth having. Someone worth spending time with.

But you're not, Sean. You want to run away so bad. You want to just hide away. You crave company but you're scared you'll scare them away. So you shut yourself off instead.

And that sucks. And do we really need more drama. Because you're full of it and you don't have anywhere to unload it to. So just keep them to yourself. Embrace that sinking feeling. I guess it is a reminder that you can still feel. You're not that hollow after all. Maybe you're meant. To die alone. Maybe like Van Gogh, you will have value after you kill yourself. Oh god. I don't want to kill myself. But I just want to disappear.

There's just so many people to disappoint. And you've already disappointed them countless times. I hate you, Sean.

Why can't you just be normal, fucker.

Why didn't you just make it easier for us?

How long can we sink before we finally drown?

[annoyingohsean]

What are you doing?

You're too...much.

And you're really pushing it.

Stop it, will you?

Can you do that? Stop making a fool of yourself.

Time was never your friend. And everything in between wasn't real either. It's all in your head. So stop reading between the lines and just see things for what they really are.

You are a poor new soul that just looks like a deer in the headlights. That's why they're nice to you. You look like you will be eaten alive. And let's face it, you will be.

I just hope you die immediately. Especially when everyone sees you for what you are. And realizes what you're not.

Just stop it, Sean.

Stop trying to make a life out of nothing.

[annoyingohsean]

Hey, still alive, aren't we?

Don't you think it's bad that were looking for life at the bottom of bottles?

How do we feel superhuman again?

Do you think it's worth it to die?

How would you die though?

In a foreign place, you'll be a foreign face.

Yet our blood will still make no difference.

[annoyingohsean]

My body is dying. Slowly.

Each day, the ringing gets louder.

The silence gets more deafening.

I took silence for granted.

And now, I will never have peace.

[annoyingohsean]

What's the point of it all?

[annoyingohsean]

Kill me

[annoyingohsean]

I'm depressed... I think.

I'm not gonna make it out alive, aren't I?

What do I do now?

In my own little world, nobody cares.

In my own selfish life, nothing seems to matter.

I wish I could care less.

But I still do.

Please get me out.

Let me make it out alive.

Please.

[annoyingohsean]

Aren't we all a little lost?

Or am I just in a completely different world?

How do you find your way back to where you're supposed to be?

Will I ever find my way back?

Or do I keep taking forks and forks and end up nowhere?

They say you forge your own destiny

But what kind of destiny is this

[annoyingohsean]

Do you ever feel like you're just a big blah in everyone else's life?

[annoyingohsean]

Can someone please rip my heart out. I can't. I am hollow and I don't deserve this thing beating inside of me. I just want to silently die. Why can't I?

Why won't you let me die?

[annoyingohsean]

I feel so...alone.

I'm uninteresting and a loser.

But most of all, I'm lonely.