Lancelot should have expected this response. Itâs Arthur, after all, and so he acted like Arthur even when he shouldnât have. Even if logic dictates that you do not offer things to a monster, an enemy, the thing shrouded in curses and overbearing guilt. What is this, a joke? (Still, and ever-present.) Hackles raised, Lancelot leaning forward and with the fog bristling off of him, prickly and turning sharp angles.
âYou think I can guard you, you think I wantââ A barking laugh, humorless and inhuman. (He doesnât cry, but this is no different.) Of course he wants to. Thatâs what love is, this clawing thing that cuts off his words and makes him only sharp-edged. Itâs love, the screaming demand to be hated and for Arthurâs blade to sink into his neck. He grinds the heel of his palm against his forehead, near doubled over before he looks back up at Arthur.
Arthur would be honoured, as king and friend. Even still, he doesnât get it, he doesnât get a goddamn thing, and maybe thatâs part of why Lancelot loves him, all this unbearable optimism and the choice to be open-hearted. It is, ultimately, exactly what King Arthur would say to him. âIâm not â donât.â Not his friend, not his knight, not anything. (Itâs as if Arthurâs hand is offered, and Lancelot wants so badly to take it, but knows he would do nothing but break it. You cannot invite a wolf into your home. All that nonsense.)
He tastes blood, gunpowder. (How can Lancelot be expected to guard this weakness when the weakness is Arthurâs forgiveness, the kind smile?)Â âItâs a threat, take it, I am not your knight!â The words tear from him with a violence of their own, edged in the curseâs distortion. (Surely, even Arthur cannot call him blameless through this.)
Arthur has seen enough cornered animals on hunts to know when something fearing so vastly, so unerringly, that it is written into all it might be. He has seen enough of it, and so he knows it here when he finds it in Lancelot.
It was hardly unexpected, a Berserker by design and Arthur knew well the potential nature of such things, the way better parts could be twisted into worse things until it was unclear where the truth even rest. How his heart ached at very notion, desire to reach out quelled only by knowledge it would do far more harm than good here.
And even yet he loves, terribly and desperately for he who had once been most dear of friends. Though all the thicker the poison that had been pressed to his lips at his subsequent betrayal, at everything that had followed as he had wondered what he might have done to prevent such tragedy for errant ways of his knights would always settle blame upon he who presided as King.
âIâm sorry,â he offers, in same silken remorse as ever full of a forgiveness which is certainly ill deserved but is offered tiredly none the less. âOf course, you have no fealty to me.â Had not for some time he supposed. âBut even so, threat or no, I would still call you a friend.â