The moment I clicked the drop button I felt ruined my life. That was it. I dropped my classes the second semester in a row now. I am done. No more motivation to sit through lectures or write 15 paged essays or participate in group discussions or countless hours of math.
The same questions popped into mind over and over. What will my parents think? What will I tell my family when I get asked that stupid question, “almost done with school?” All my friends who are so motivated and are doing so god damn well in school. I know the uncomfortable feeling they’ll feel when telling me its not a big deal and a good choice because I’ll feel the same feeling telling them about my choice. And my boyfriend. My sweet sweet boyfriend who talked me through the night before my first class while I sat in bed bawling my eyes out because it didn’t feel right. He told me “smart people like you are meant for this. You are smarter than any teacher at any college.”
But I didn't go to class. I didn't even make it to the campus. I drove 45 minutes, past the campus, to a mall, sat in the parking lot, and cried.
I am not meant for college right now. I may not be ready for a long long time. Or ever. And that is perfectly fine. College is not for everyone. College is not for everyone. College is not for everyone. But it has been pushed in my head that I have to go to college. I can’t be the one who is dropping out. I have to get my degree. I have to I have to I have to. But life happened, things changed, and I don’t have to go. But I think I am still trying to convince myself that this is okay.