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@anonymousxsunflower
The music that is you slips through the cracks in the walls I’ve spent so long building. I don’t understand how it happens so easily. It makes its way through my veins and into my bloodstream burning softly but as intensely as the fire that dances in your eyes when you look at me. I like this feeling.
I don’t understand how I put myself out there for years and nothing ever came of it because even though I was actively putting effort into it, being vulnerable was so difficult; but you came along and now everything feels different. With you it’s as easy as it could ever be. With you it feels natural. It feels comfortable and safe. There was nothing that the others did wrong so what is it about you that’s reframed everything. Did a part of me know that the connection with them wasn’t right and that’s what held me back? Or is it simply you? The way you exist so perfectly in a world so full of destruction and deception. Is this what love feels like? I’ve almost forgotten that feeling. It’s not a sensation of falling but of freedom in all forms; freedom to be myself without fear of judgement, freedom from the anxiety that’s held me hostage my entire life. It feels so light yet so intoxicating I could drown in it, this feeling. We could talk on the phone all day and all night, yet my soul yearns for you the second we separate. I cannot help the smile that creeps across my lips, burning my cheeks red as it grows, every time I hear your voice or your eyes meet mine. I’ve tried to fight it, but maybe it’s time I give in. Maybe it’s time I let everything go and just allow myself this joy, regardless of how momentary it may or may not be. Maybe it’s time to let go of the railing keeping me safe all this time, step off the ledge, and freefall into the multitudes of you, for your heart is so vast I feel like I’d be falling forever. And maybe that’s okay this time. Maybe I won’t crash land this time. Maybe you’ll grab my hand and fall with me, gripping me tighter as we pass each obstacle in the way, just as afraid to let go of me as I was of letting the protective walls I’ve spent so long building, crumble. Maybe it’s finally safe.
The cost of loving you was never being able to touch you. That scared me, and I didn’t want to pay that price. But now I’m sitting here missing you and I’m not sure what do about it, if there is anything I can do at all.
There’s a feeling of helplessness that comes with knowing you could be my person if only you didn’t live so far away.. idk what to do with this leftover love. It belongs to you but there’s nowhere for me to keep it safe, nowhere to set it down. I can’t give it away to just anyone.
How do I know the difference between I miss you and I miss having someone to talk to, when there were feelings entwined for you from the beginning?
— David Cronenberg, Consumed
I’m so tired that I feel physically nauseous and I have a headache. My son is not allowing me to sleep properly. And I know it’s not on purpose. It’s not right to be upset with him over it. Sometimes being a parent is just fucking exhausting.
I’m tired of feeling like a choice you have instead of a choice you’ve made. I shouldn’t feel this way. I deserve more than that.
I love you more. I will always love you more, without a question about it in my mind. And that’s okay, because one day you will love another woman more than me. You will choose this woman over me and everyone else. As you should. I will always love you more, my son. It will never fade. You are my sonshine. You are my greatest love. You are my greatest and best accomplishment. I love you.
You say you want to help carry the weight of my baggage, but have no idea how unbelievably heavy it is.
Life is sadness, grief, and loneliness.
Life is pain.
Life is pure joy, new beginnings, and love.
Life is beauty in all forms.
Life is melting pot of emotions.
Life is an oxymoron,
Constantly contradicting its own experiences with others.
You cannot know the good without the bad,
Nor the bad without the good.
This is what makes life so hard to understand.
First time going out in a long time without my child and it feels good. I kissed my friend while dunk, danced with the girls, and let loose. It felt great to not only be a mom, but also a 23 year old woman with a social life. I’ve missed it greatly and look forward to the next one whenever that may be.
Postpartum bladder sucks. I cough too hard and it makes me pee a little. Now i gotta change my whole ass underwear & I forreal was just tryna go to bed 😭😂
I am a mother now. This time I cannnot afford to feel the hurt to the point of breaking. I cannot grant myself the time to grieve a love lost. My child deserves better than that. I do not know how to heal properly. My heart is delicate, every previous wound acting as a scar. I feel like this will indefinitely change me as no others have before. I don’t think I’m gonna like the person I’ve become, on the other side. I don’t think I will recognize her.
I am gentle. I am kind. I am a fire, so intense you can feel it kissing your skin, yet weak enough to be softened and put out by your current. Right now, i feel like the embers after things have died. I don’t want to lose who I am. I don’t want to lose my intensity or my compassion or my gentleness, for the world is hard enough as it is. You cannot grow without breaking, but I cannot afford to break. I am responsible for a life other than my own. He needs me. He needs me more than I do.
Missing you isn’t just missing you. Missing you is a longing in my chest so deep that my stomach empties itself just to make room for the hollowness that is demanded. Missing you is every second I’m not with you.
I swore to myself I would never beg someone to stay with me. And I won’t. I can’t make you stay if you want to leave. Just know, in my head, I’m on my goddamn knees praying to a god I don’t even believe me in that you stay. There’s is no part of me I would not give you. In my head, I am sobbing harder than I have ever cried before. You are my light amongst the darkness.
Love is the closest thing us humans have to real magic.
Without love, life would have no meaning.
This thought process keeps me going, but everyone has a breaking point. One more heartbreak and I’m done. I give up man.
