Magnus Cleans up London city life.
A short Magnus, Murder Mystery by Ladyoftheteaandblood.
Warnings mention of bodily fluids and an old tuna sandwich. Oh, and one or two really bad jokes.
 Mark Peterâs looked around the empty office and wondered what the fuck he was doing with his life, it was 11.30 at night and here he was, not romping with his wife between the bed sheets but finishing off Trevor, the office managers, quarterly reports on productivity, with only the cleaners for company and they were no company at all.
A cold coffee sat on his desk, It wasnât even his, Derek the poor facilities manager had got one and then been demanded else where before even taking a sip.
Along sides the ageing coffee was a half-eaten tuna sandwich heâd grabbed for his dinner, which now curling up at the edges and by that the picture of his wife that glared at him.
Mark had noticed in the last few months that the credit card bill had an awful lot of items from Love honey, on it and who could blame her. He only hoped she was playing with her new electric friends alone.
He drained the coffee which frankly tasted like shit, took a bite of the cardboard sandwich and returned to his screen.
45 minutes later he was screaming on the floor, clutching his chest as his heart gave out, while the monsters circled him.
Magnus hated crime in offices and he tried to avoid them like the plague but since moving to London England, there seemed to be no end of them, and here he was in yet another genetic office space with a dead body messing up the carpet.Â
These places were all the same, desk space after desk space, with pictures of family placed around to remind the occupant just why they were slowly killing their own soul. Plastic bins, coffee and kettles. Food vending machines and photo copiers dotted around in very unlikely places. Nobody seemed to have planned a thing in any of them.Â
And the carpets, oh God, the dull lifeless looking, matted bits of fabric that covered the floor themselves covered with years of trampled in grime.Â
Well this one had a new stain, the stain of a dead man and the fluids he leaked in his last moments. Not a great smell to come into, in fact nausea inducing much like the awful lightning these hell holes had.Â
Magnus rub his temples, ran his hands through his mess of hair his, prayed for early release and got to work.
To go with the smell and the awful lighting, there was a noise in this office that seemed to cloud your thoughts and was coming from all sides, must be the air conditioning he decided.Â
âOk DC Cooper what do we have here?â
DC Cooper had been working since 10pm yesterday, when his shift had started. It was now 6.00am and he looked like heâd stepped off the cover of GQ magazine.
Magnus had been up since he got the call at 5.15am and he looked like his clothes had been slept in, run a marathon, and most definitely never seen an iron since coming out the packet some years prior.Â
âWell Sir, the body was found by the security guard at 4.45am I was on scene 5.10am and promptly called you, having expected foul play. The Medical examiner has yet to arrive but will be here shortlyâÂ
So, you donât know if he just carped it because of natural causes, most likely tedium in a place such as this, or someone actually killed him?âÂ
Magnus screamed internally at the thought he could still be in bed; all be it only cuddled up to Freya his Golden Labrador.Â
âSir if you take a closer look at the body, you will see why I think itâs not natural causes âÂ
Magnus went closer and observed, then felt sick. The expression on the dead guys face was far from pretty and most actors in horror movies would have been proud to make it.Â
He tried to cover his trying not to barf, with,
âDo we know who he is?â please say you have at least found that out. Christ could someone turn the air conditioning off, the noise was so bloody invasive.Â
âWell despite the fact we have not moved the body Sir, we know itâs a Mark Peterâs he is pictured with his wife on his desk, along with his wallet, mobile phone and some work he was doing and a half-eaten sandwich, tuna, I think. He was working late, Sir"Â
âAnd has somebody contacted the wife?â why was he asking, he knew damn well nothing further would have been done till the M.E. got there, and she was just walking through the door, along with a guy who had obviously got the early am call and was here freshly fallen out of bed.Â
âHi gorgeous chaps what have you got for me today, a stabbing with the office letter opener or a killing using the office stapler?â The small rotund lady with the happy disposition and very twinkly eyes, could be a lot to deal with at anytime of day, early morning however, you almost wanted to add her to the body count.
âIt looks like the guy had a heart attack, Lucy but what caused it well, over to youâ
Lucy looked a tad disappointed but opened her box of delights and began processing the scene.
âBoys have you noticed how clean the carpet is around him?â she asked
âThatâs it, case closed the cleaner did itâ and Magnus did a dramatic, Im about to leave now, Iâm not needed, turn.
This was the point the guy who had walked in with Lucy, began to speak, his eyes looking anywhere but at the body on the carpet and his face a very pretty shade of green.
âUm, ..Hello,⊠Iâm the office manager for this level, Trevor Male, and I have a reason why he maybe so clean around himâ he looked kinda guilty.
âTell me you didnât let the cleaner do a quick once over before we came, out of embarrassmentâ Magnus asked him
âWell my wife wouldâ Lucy laughed at him. Magnus glared at her.
âNo! however we have the very latest cleaning system in place and every night the little chaps go around and clean-upâ he smiled almost proudly now, after all they had been able to cut the cleaning crew by one person because of it, thus saving the company ÂŁ50 a week. He hadnât told the company yet that the out lay had been ÂŁ5000 for the system but who cares.
âYou have trained animals doing the cleaning?â Lucy asked about to rant on animal welfare.
âNo, we have our Roomba team that go out every two hours andâŠâŠ.â
He need say no more, as out from the sides and explaining the awful humming noise that had been getting on everyone nerves, came the Roomba office dance crew and cleaning team. Ten little disc shaped robots, that pootled around the office clearing up the crumbs and mess of the humans throughout the day. They carefully negotiated the space and its obstacles by means of sensors, so now two of the annoying humming shits, were happily cleaning around Lucy and her crime scene, kindly removing all evidence.
And the floor manager watched smiling as his unpaid team did their jobs, like a proud parent, until Magnus shouted
âTurn those Fuckers OFF!â
âOh âŠ.yesâŠsorryâ now looking somewhat disappointed, Trevor dashed off across the floor, looked about and then picking up a Roomba who now actually sounded disgruntled, he turned it over and flicked a switch and all Roombaâs stopped their cleaning and also that bloody noise.
âItâs all very clever, this little chap is their leader and he ruleâs the timing andâŠâŠ.â
Trevor was cut off by a look from Magnus that could have killed
âCoffee any one?â and before they could answer Trevor dashed out still holding the King of the Roombas, in his hands.
âSo, having had a brief once over of our deceased, what do you think we are looking at?â Magnus asked Lucy
âOh, most definitely foul play Sherlock, this man looks like he was scared to death but I will know more when I get to slice and dice laterâ she grinned
âYou have such a way with wordsâ Magnus told her.
They left the eager DC Cooper to question Trevor and all his co-workers as they arrived for a much more exciting day at work than they had been expecting that morning. Cooper had instructions to regroup at 3pm for the preliminary M.E. report, and any additional info he may have gleamed. Magnus sent a female officer to break the news to the deceased family and headed out the office.
With nothing more to be done for the moment, he decided that such an early start needed a good breakfast and a chat with a pretty lady and the café around the corner had both.
 At 3pm Magnus stood by the side of Mark Peters body, now with all his internal parts on full view to the world, and a very happy Lucy humming tuneless music around her kingdom. He was joined by DC Cooper still not having the common decency to look a bloody mess or sound tired after so many hours on the job.
âCome on lady spill the beans, what killed our office clerk hereâ Magnus asked
âWell Cagney you may askâ
âI just did, now come on Quincey give us the verdict and solve the crimeâ Lucy laughed,
âNot that easy Iâm afraid, the guy had hallucinogenic drugs in his system and then was scared to death by who knows what.â
âOh, come on, please tell me you have more than that, because if Cooper here gives me one more statement saying everybody love him blah, blah, blah, Iâll be asking the fucking Roombas who killed himâ
âAnd they could most likely tell you if they could talk, because it has to have been done in that office, the drugs only take 30mins to workâ
D.C. Cooper added a new point almost exciting,
âSir, one office girl did say that the coffee on his desk that he had drunk was not his, it had been given to a facilities manager, Derek Southall who never had time to drink it. It was just left on Marks desk. If the drug was in there, the intended victim could have been the other guyâ
Cooper looked very pleased with his big reveal until,
âSo obviously you have picked up said chap and talked to him, yes?â
âUM, No, well not yet, but itâs my next thing on my to do list Sirâ
âOh Cooper, go home and get some sleep, you are well over due for itâ Magnus was going to add he looked like he needed it but that was far from the truth,
âIâll see to finding Mr facilities guy and Trevâ Exit stage left, one D.C.
Lucy stopped her humming and said,
âHey hereâs a silly thought for you, Morse, ask if the Roombas have a tracking system that record their every move. You know like you have Strava to record all your daily runs, so you can put it on Facebook and show all your mates how fit you are. Maybe Roombaâs have a similar thing âlook everyone Iâve cleaned two office spaces and a dead guyâ it could give us an accurate time of snuffing itâ Lucyâs turn to look smug
55 minutes later Magnus found himself back in the land of the dead, or as he now knew it was called, âJames, James and James stationers to the offices of the worldâ who knew paperclips could sound so exciting. Well Magnus was most definitely sure they were not, having been told all about them and other such items for the last 15 minuets by the first James on the list as they looked for the Derek the Facilities manager and Trevor who had both disappeared. Also disappeared was the computer on which was all the Roomba data telling the world were the little round arses had cleaned that day and every other.
âIâm so, so, sorry detective Magnusâ said a simpering secretary
âTrevor and Derek seem to have left the building and gone homeâ
âActually, Trevor didnât return after lunch when he said heâd left something back at the ranch and shot out the back doorsâ this came from the office mail guy and general dogsâ body, Magnus should have questioned him first, office dogsâ bodies know everything and can go everywhere un-noticed.
âWill somebody then give me his and Derekâs addressâs, and I will go see if I can find them at their homesâ Magnus implored.
Trevor was the first house on the list, as expected a 50s semi with a perfectly kept garden and cute stone dog on the door step. Magnus decided at this point that death by boredom, was not to be ruled out. The door bell of course was Westminster chimes which Magnus got to hear three times as Trevor didnât answer. Magnus stepped over the flowerbed and peered in the front window. Having seen what was on the font room carpet he called for backup.
 Once the A team had broken in, Lucy set to work on her new crime scene and Magnus tried to forget the look on, now dead, never to work a paper clip again, Trevor.
Just like their morning crime in the office, Trevor was very dead on the carpet with a look of terror on his face, which in turn could scare to death anyone else with a dodgy ticker who saw it.
Just like their morning caper, the floor around their victim was spotless because Trevor had his own Roomba dance team that had helped the perpetrator clear up the scene. However, in the kitchen Lucy and her team had found two coffee cups and a packet of open Hobnobs, suggesting Trevor had a guest just before he died.
âwhatâs to betting we find drugs in one of those cups, Sherlock?â Lucy asked Magnus
âWatson your powers of deduction never cease to amaze me, anything else to nail our criminal. Like to start with what the Fuck scared him, or are we looking at death by Roomba and where the hell are, they? because I can here the little shits humming but where are they hiding?â He looked around the room almost expecting them to shoot out and attack him.
âIn answer to your first question, anything could have scared him because if he had the same drug in his system as the last guy, an ant running across the floor could do it as the drugged victim could see a giant ant attacking.
The second question, well they are under the quaint 1950s sideboard over there ready to ponce on youâ and she giggled as Magnus shot around to look.
Now feeling very stupid Magnus quickly asked the next question,
âDid anyone find the missing lap top?â
A resounding no, came as the response.
âSo Im guessing that our mystery guest and possible killer wanted what was on itâ
âWell done Jessica Fletcher, you will solve this one yetâ Lucy laughed
Magnus looked at his watch 7pm and he still had to find Derek who could be the next victim or possibly their killer.
Driving off from Trevorâs house, he stuffed the last of a half-eaten mars bar from his glove compartment, including its attached fluff into his mouth and hoped the sugar rush would give him some kind of insight into why Trevor and his office buddy were murdered.
Derekâs house was no better than Trevorâs in fact his had added gnomes, which frankly gave Magnus the creeps, as they were all turned to watch you as you walked up the path.
The door bell was worse as this played green sleeves in 80s electric style but it was answered and there was Derek
He stood on his door step in a beige thick knit cardigan and nylon slacks. A receding hair line which he had tried to cover with an obvious comb over, thick framed black glasses, and once seen never forgotten, tartan slippers.
When Magnus introduced himself and why he was there, Derek ushered him in to a front room from a bygone era. Pattern carpets, terrible wallpaper and antimacassars on the chairs he then shuffled off into his kitchen to make Magnus a tea he didnât want but felt somehow powerless to say no too.
The guy moves like heâs 80 Magnus thought and he canât be more than ten years older than me, if thatâs what office life does to you, Iâm never going there.
Derek shuffled back in with a tea tray neatly laid complete with linen cloth, delicate china tea cups and plates. You were lucky to get a clean mug in Magnusâs gaff.
Derek poured as Magnus outlined the details that he needed him to hear and asked when he last saw the now very deceased Trevor.
Trevor and I had a brief chat about the Roombaâs and the office bins which for the third time that week had not been emptied, yesterday afternoon before I was called away by Gerald in accounts to sort out why the bins had not been emptied that day in his office, and then it was on to Paul in sales because one of the Roombas was making a very funny sound and his loo was block, thatâs Pauls loo not the Roomba, they donât have themâ and Derek started laughing in little snorts.
âI thought Trevor controlled Roombas he seemed very proud of the fact?â
âOh, was he! Well Trevor didnât even come up with the idea I did. Im the facilities manager and I deal with all cleaning, air conditioners, waste and washroom-stoke-Kitchen maintenance. He pitched my idea to the gentlemen at the top and got all the credit for it, which to be honest is typical TrevorâŠor wasâ Derek had gone red in the face and took a large sip of his tea before asking Magnus,
âBiscuit?â in a tone no one would refuse.
âThing is Derek, the laptop with all the Roombas movements on has gone missing and could give us time of death and maybe tell us a bit more, Magnus took a sip of frankly the worse tasting tea heâd ever had. And Derek smiled at him as he said smugly
âOh dear, I canât help you there Iâm afraid, thatâs all back at the officeâ
âYes, it should be back at the office but its not, as I said itâs gone missingâ It was bloody warm in here Magnus removed his jacket.
The humming noise that had plague both Trevorâs and the office started up, instantly making Magnusâs head hurt.
âyou have Roombaâs Derek?â
âAS, I said, I was the one whoâs idea they were and yes its Roomba timeâ with that Magnus who was starting to feel like the world was at a somewhat funny angle and that the pot plant in the corner was glaring at him, decided it may be time to leave and bring back a warrant as Derek seemed more than a little unhinged. He text some what haphazardly, to say he was going back to the station from Derekâs house and stood up.
Well he thought heâd stood but the carpet seemed closer not further, and its pattern was more nausea inducing this close, His head spun and that bloody noise was getting louder.
Derek hadnât moved but simply sat and watched him, whilst straightening the antimacassars on the arm of his chair.
Out from the side of the room came the Roombas in a tight knit group. Derek smiled. When Trevor and Mark had seen them approach, their minds had turned them into monsters as they got ever closer to their intended victim circling the idiots.
Derek had laughed out loud as Mark had shouted and screamed, till his end and Trevor had stood shaking and wetting himself, before his heart gave out. All aided by the hallucinogenic drugs tipped  in his coffee, and the policeman in his living room looked set to go the same way.
Magnus now sat on the hideous carpet heard that bloody humming and turned around to see a sight he was not expecting
âWhat?â Derek looked confused
âOh. Look at the puppies, the little cute puppies, come on, come hereâ and Magnus crawled on all fours towards the Roombas and started to fuss the nearest.
âOh, you like that donât you, yes you do, whoâd a good puppyâ This was not going as Derek had planned but as long as the idiot of the police was distracted, he could still make his getaway.
With Magnus very happy with his new found friends, Derek left his tartan slippers by his chair and shot upstairs, collected the bag on his bed that he had been just about to load in his car before Magnus arrived, put on a pair of sensible shoes and going back down the stairs, went to leave the house.
Magnus seeing Derek with his bag, dropped the tartan slippers heâd been convinced were kittens and grabbed at the old grey Hold all, as Derek went passed and exclaimed,
âLeave the dragon hereâ and pulled with all his might.
Derekâs hold all was as old as Derek, in fact it had even been on a few school trips with him and today was the day it decided to spill its gut all over the carpet.
Lap top, underpants, beige and grey shirts all hit the deck. Along with drugs in many assorted shapes, colours and forms. Pills, potions and powders went flying. Derek looked at the Detective crawling on the ground yelling in Shakespearean tragedy style, over the death of the dragon and ran out the door, trying to put as much space between him and the evidence.
Only to be confronted with D.C. Cooper and backup, and for Derek his days of crime where over.
 Later Magnus sitting back at the police station with a very large, very black coffee in his hands asked how Cooper had worked out, he was needed,
âWell Sir last week you spent 30 mins of your time and mine, moaning at the spelling of my texts and their grammar, and the text you sent, went to me still at home, not the station and had terrible spelling. you had to be on something
âAHâ was all Magnus replied, he did still have the mother of all headaches, which is why the sight of Lucy and her happy disposition, walking in filled him with dread.
âTrust you to be the one who made a horror movie into puppy patrol, everyone else on those drugs dies of fear, you would have died of cuteness overload if Cooper here hadnât have saved youâ She stood in front of him, put her bag of tricks down on a table, and carried on,
âNow Iâm here to check you out because you wonât go to a hospital, I normally only deal in the dead but I canât see much difference with youâ As she gave Magnus the once over, she turned to Cooper and asked,
âIs it true that he then screamed like a banshee as you passed the garden Gnomes, yelling âDonât let them touch me Mummy?â
Magnus cringed and then looked up to see both of them grinning.
âYou cruel pair. You know we still donât know what he did it for, the guy must have just lost itâ
Lucy smiled in triumph,
âNope, he was moving drugs around the country by means of stationary supplies to offices that never existed. Mark would have worked it out doing the report he was left to finish by Trevor. Trevor was Derek right hand man and they had a falling out, most likely over the report.
Trevor was not the smartest criminal on the block and Derek must have realised that Trevor had left other evidence around and he had. It was all on the laptop in Derekâs car. Along with the Roomba data which showed the office and the little dots all together around the body.Â
âDonât tell me, he had the King of the Roombas fitted with a camera and remote controlâ Magnus said, hoping there was a small bit of this case he would actual solve.
âYes, you could say he had a Roomba with a view!â Lucy looked awfully smug at her joke.
âThis whole case has been like an episode of Scooby Dooâ Magnus stated,
âWith the cuprite being the office Janitorâ Lucy said
âAnd that makes you Shaggyâ with that she gave his hair a ruffle and stuck a thermometer in his mouth
âAnd Iâm not telling you where I normally shove that!â
(picture not mine I just played)
(Apologies for the bad jokes)
@anovi7 @acebakes @antyc67 @archy3001 @aggro-femme @alexakeyloveloki @adamcansuckme @coppercorn-and-cauldron @screw-real-life-i-pick-fandoms @boredbrooder @booksandcatslover @blondekel77 @bluegrasscontessa @damageditem @kellarter @hakimo2015 @heathermc13 @icecreamsandwichcomics @fairlightswiftly @your-frenchblondgirl @finney13s @feelmyroarrrr @larygo @larouau12 @lokilockedcougar @lokihiddleston @lostinspace @lowhostrikesback @lordjohnandtom @ms-cellanies @neither-blue-nor-green @nuggsmum @mrshiddelston @musicfashionandscotch @ohmygoshbabyanimals @ourladybinxthings @oeffsee @omninocte @ourladybinxthings @prplprincez @quoting-shakespeare-to-ducks @servent-alearika @shadyskit @siyoteodiara @sf0206 @the-haven-of-fiction @the-insomniac-cat @tinaferraldo @tomhiddleston-gifs @tomhiddleston-kikibfairy @doubleagentvesperlynd @deathbyukmen @dangertoozmanykids101 @nikkalia @maeve-curry-writes @calgal48 @angryowlet
pixelskylines
yousharknotpass
baratheonpilled
discoholicmusic
romaincrisis
