Dealing With The Post-Wedding Blues
Here’s what happens and what you can do about it.
Picture this: You’re done with wedding planning, you don’t have to stay on top of a million different vendors, think about which credit card works best for the caterer’s deposit or figure out how to wrangle in your mother-in-law’s reception demands. Seems like pure bliss, right? But for some, all the stress of planning and coordinating just gets replaced with a feeling of emptiness once the wedding is over.
“The minute we unlocked the door and I went upstairs after arriving from our flight home [from the honeymoon] yesterday, I completely broke down in tears,” says one bride on our community boards. “It could have been the result of many feelings – sadness that it was all over, missing all the wonderful family, friends and guests that attended our amazing event, relief that I could finally breathe without being in that dress, a sinking feeling of ‘what next’ and complete exhaustion from the week’s events. I’ve only been married for three days but it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had no idea how to cope.”
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Not to bum you out, but when all the planning, attention and excitement fade away, it’s easy (and pretty normal) to feel a little deflated. After everything you just went through, the remains can be a tad… underwhelming. The Post-Wedding Blues are a real thing, and it’s worth examining what causes this feeling of being let down after the wedding, so we can understand how to get back on track and excited about what your wedding really represents: The start of your new life together!
What exactly does 'The Post-Wedding Blues’ mean?
“The Post-Wedding Blues happens when couples experience a period of letdown following the excitement of planning the wedding,” says Jocelyn Charnas, a clinical psychologist and premarital counselor in Manhattan. It seems counter-intuitive, right? That you could be a little depressed after experiencing what many coin “The Best Day Ever!” But, Charnas tells us that the feeling is normal and shouldn’t be equated to something as serious as The Baby Blues (post-partum depression), even though the terms sound similar. Everyone goes through highs and lows in life, especially after big events.
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Why do brides, grooms (and even mothers of the bride and groom) experience this post-wedding letdown?
There are a lot of reasons someone might experience a little after-wedding depression. They might be loving the attention that being engaged and planning a wedding gives them, they might be living for the party, or they might have even been putting aside some important life decisions (like getting a new job) because they were planning the wedding and now that the wedding is over, all of those big and stressful things are suddenly not on hold anymore. They might even be dealing with the idea of leaving their family of origin and starting a new family. “This is something that happens to almost everyone, because they’ve put so much energy, focus and, yes, money into this one event and it is easy to have some level of disappointment or loss when it is over,” says Charnas.
What are the 'symptoms’ of The Post-Wedding Blues?
If you’re dealing with some post-wedding letdown feelings, you’re probably experiencing some difficult emotions. Boredom, sadness, loneliness and isolation are just a few of the complex reactions someone with The Post-Wedding Blues might have. “Sometimes people experience [The Post-Wedding Blues] as a loss of energy – the thrill is over, so now what?” says Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author ofWhat About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
How can you deal with these feelings after the wedding?
First, understand that this is a normal and understandable process that many people go through. Then, as a preventative measure, learn to shift your focus from just the wedding to your marriage. “There’s no foolproof way to prevent The Post-Wedding Blues. It’s typical, common and natural to go through these feelings. So, it’s not necessarily about preventing them so much as it is about mitigating their effects,” says Charnas. Focusing on what happens after the wedding, and getting excited about your next steps will help significantly diminish The Post-Wedding Blues.
Tips for dealing with post-wedding sadness:
If you know yourself well enough to realize you’re too focused on the wedding and not focused enough on your relationship and next steps with your partner, take a moment to really shift your perspective. “The most important thing,” Charnas says, “is to start talking about what’s going to happen the next day [after the wedding]. It’s fabulous to celebrate a wedding, to make it wonderful. This doesn’t devalue that. But the point of the wedding is to mark the beginning of the marriage. So much trouble in relationships occur when the expectations aren’t in line with reality. Think about what married life will mean, what your expectations are as a couple for your lifestyles and family planning and focus on making that shift in perspective.”
2. Think about premarital counseling.
Don’t associate any negatives with the term premarital counseling. The Post-Wedding Blues are just some of the things you can talk about in sessions before your wedding. By talking to premarital counselors, you’re taking a proactive step in insuring the future of your relationship. “The point of premarital counseling is to identify conflicts you may be experiencing or differences you’ve not yet been able to reconcile or resolve,” says Greer. “It equips the couple with the communication skills necessary to be able to problem-solve, arrive at compromises and know how to handle disappointments going forward in order to keep the positive, loving feelings alive in their relationship.”
3. Look forward to other things.
Hey, most likely you’ve got a honeymoon planned, or a vacation on the horizon. Start looking forward to things like that! What about buying a new home? Or just refreshing a room in your current home? There are lots of new things in your post-wedding life to look forward to. Knot note: This is a good mentality to have, but be careful that you aren’t always looking for the next best thing, Charnas warns. “When that mentality is prominent, I usually tell the couple to take a real close look at their partnership. If we’re always waiting for the next best thing, something is missing and needs aren’t being met.”
4. Make everyday events exciting and important.
Reinvesting in adding fun and joy into everyday life, says Charnas, sets the scene for staying connected throughout your marriage. Why not make dinner at home a little more fancy with a few candles? Or take a day trip to somewhere close, but new? “The highs are not the substance of your life together as a couple,” says Greer. “Focus on the small things that bring you security, comfort, warmth and make you feel loved and cared about on a daily basis – that’s what marriage is all about.”
5. Redefine your relationship with your 'old family.’
Try not to focus on the fact that you’re leaving your old family (or father and mother) and instead think about the one you’re just beginning. Just because you’re getting married obviously doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them forever. They’re still a part of your life, but you have to reinvent your relationship with them. “Getting engaged and getting married is a great opportunity to redefine relationships with your family of origin and reflect on your status as independent adults,” says Charnas. “It’s not about losing closeness or disconnecting. It’s an important life step.”
6. Know that it’s okay to feel a little sad.
The biggest takeaway here? The Post-Wedding Blues are totally normal, and can happen to anyone! “For me,” says a bride on our boards, “it was most helpful to accept that I am allowed to feel down and to let myself have it out. I really do miss all my friends and family, some of whom I rarely see, and it was a floodgate of emotion to have to say goodbye to everyone at once. I still felt really down (and exhausted) this morning before returning to work and throughout the day, but another thing I found that really helps is trying to do things as I normally do, getting back into the routine of daily life and cherishing the little things (my favorite Starbucks baristas serving my usual certainly helped!).”
7. Lean on your new spouse.
You may feel embarrassed or uncomfortable sharing your sadness with this partner you just chose to spend the rest of your life with, not only because you could be worried that they’ll take offense. After all, you just started living with them – now you’re sad? But don’t worry. Take comfort in your other half. If anyone understands this letdown feeling, it will be them.
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