The Anti-HARO

These are the HARO requests we imagine the writers of these stories would have made.

[antiharo]

Teenage bazillionaires

Would like to interview a teenager who has made a whole bunch of money and will confirm that to me on the record. Documentary proof is nice, but not necessary. If you got your start trading penny stocks while in elementary school, so much the better.

If you're lying, I have but one request: Don't admit it.

[antiharo]

Bestiality experts

Looking for experts on why people commit bestality. Bonus points if the expert is in Florida.

Requirements: Prefer experts familiar with criminal or psychological aspects as opposed to participants In fact, no participants, please. Really.

[antiharo]

Danish as the go-to gift for life's events

Have you given - or gotten - a cheese danish following a major life event? 

Query: I'm looking for Connecticut residents who have given or gotten a cheese danish after surgery or the death of a family member or the birth of a child. Apple Danish is not acceptable, must be cheese.

Connecticut residents ONLY, please.

[antiharo]

Chopped salad aficionados

Query: Do you like chopped salads? It is your lunch of choice? Not just like, but you'll even buy one at a drugstore, where they're chopped up, next to the Dr. Scholl's corn removers? (Different kind of corn.) We need the kind of chopped salad fan who will go anywhere, anytime, for chopped salad. If you had one once and thought it was OK, please don't respond.

[antiharo]

Query: Have you sold a human organ? Bought a human organ? Bought organs for resale to other humans? Sought a human organ for purchase, but couldn't afford it? Seeking first-person stories and expert analysis on organ sales. (No egg donors, please. ORGANS. Irreplaceable ones.)

[antiharo]

Wanted: "Cutthroat" Single Brazilian Women to Comment on Dating

Query: Need Brazilian women to explain why this AVG study shows you're the "most cutthroat." Have you personally broken up via Facebook or canceled a date after finding troubling information on social media? Tell us how and why. The meaner, the better!

Requirements: Send story, photo, and proof of Brazilian nationality (e.g. current address in Brazil, or Facebook link showing birthplace Brazil... not looking for second and third gen, must have primary Brazilian identity.)

[antiharo]

Moms Gone Wild on Business Trips

Query: Moms, are your business trips one long whirlwind of selfies, junk food, tequila shots, and sleeping in? Leading daily newspaper emphasizing business/economic news looking to interview mothers who spend business conferences celebrating their temporary abdication from parental responsibility. Not interested in stories about professional networking and/or making business deals at conferences. Party moms only, please.

[antiharo]

Gun business owners endangered by Colorado legislation

Query: Seeking business owners and leaders endangered by gun control legislation in Colorado. Interested in individuals willing to describe how they are personally placed at risk due to gun law reforms, such as universal background checks. Threats to move jobs out of Colorado welcome.

Requirements: Respond with full name, email, and video of yourself unironically mentioning Aurora/Newtown in the same sentence in which you describe feeling personally endangered by gun control. YouTube OK, or DropBox an attachment. 

[antiharo]

Are you the strict disciplinarian in your sorority?

Established publication seeks firm-but-fair (okay, mostly firm) sorority leaders who run a tight ship and are prepared to share their reasons, strategies, and results. Our readers want to know: What totally uncool behavior are your sisters engaging in? Why is tough love--emphasis on tough--the best way to deal with sorority problems? Has cracking down on image-unconscious sister acts helped your sorority's PR and standing? And is your matchup frat happier since you started snapping the whip?

Requirements: Must have proof of current sorority status and archive of disciplinary messages directed at sisters. Prefer Ivy League, but will consider others.

[antiharo]

MEN REJECTED SEXUALLY BY WIVES

Query: Interested in talking to couples where wives began saying "no" to sex after marriage and/or children. Prefer that the husband have details (numbers, statistics, charts, graphs) on how frequently he is rejected in the bedroom. Looking especially for couples working actively on increasing sexual activity, particularly by helping wife to understand that declining sex causes catastrophic emotional trauma. The more details the better -- how long was your longest drought? Why wasn't she having sex? How was your first time together?

Requirements:

Please reply with detailed description of sexual rejection (advances to success ratio of 9:1 or greater preferred) and current status of marriage & sex life. Include full name, occupation, and at least two photos of your family.

[antiharo]

Looking for shy work poopers who are willing to talk about poop

Query: We're looking for women who are so mortified about pooping on the toilet at work that they go to great lengths to avoid anyone else in the rest room. Must be willing to speak on the record, preferably with a photo. Not necessary for the photo to be of you sitting on the toilet, though that would be a bonus.