(( I suppose just up and leaving without an official statement was plain cowardice on my part. But then again, I honestly doubt anyone even noticed, what, with how unremarkable my run with this blog has been. And would continue to be, methinks. But I’m honestly not sure if I will.
The running theme while writing here, at least for me, has been “disappointment”. Consistently have I gotten the stomach-turning feeling that I simply could not live up to anyone’s expectations, no matter how many times I tried sprucing things up, revising things and reworking my format. I will forego citing any specific examples, as I’m afraid this post will come off as gullt-trippy enough as is, which is not at all my intention, and if it appears that way, I apologize in advance. But, regardless, each instance of this drained my motivation further and further, and I’m sure you know by now that, emotionally, I’m as frail as a dead twig.
So at a certain point, I started getting afraid. A non-specific group of people from my mutuals’ list formed in my head as people I was positively terrified of losing (I refuse to look at my follower list until I’m certain I won’t, like, light myself on fire or something. which sounds like a comically overblown hyperbole, but considering recent events in my life and my severely ill mentality, it’s... really not), and I was, and still am, certain that a point would come where I would indeed lose them due to my lack of talent. Tch, and if I was hesitant to interact with people I looked up to before, now that hesitation peaked like never before.
So then the idea for opening the other blog came up. Mostly as an escape tactic, honestly. “Once I finish this other blog, I’ll get myself some more momentum for Doc.”, I told myself. “I’ll have more of an excuse to be as incompetent as I am, and I’ll hopefully retain a better public image.” ...See, I’m an immature child as well as an emotional wreck. But, I think you can tell what happened after that. Because I was driven to open the new blog out of foolhardy fear, motivation ran thin within mere hours of theme editing. And because I didn’t have anything to show for the unreasonable, unprompted hiatus I’ve decided to partake in, I couldn’t bring myself to come here and announce that “Nope, I just decided to waste everyone’s time. I--I’m cool, I swear.” Spoilers: I’m not.
And here we are. My incompetence is such that I dug myself too big a hole to climb off of. Nice. I’m still honestly debating whether to attempt to come back here or not. The answer to that debate will come when I figure out if more people were bothered when I started writing Doc or if it was when I stopped that was more bothersome. Readers with acute short term memory will recognize that I am more inclined to believe the former is true. Until I know for sure, all I can offer you is my sincerest apologies for everything. For my untimeliness, for my lackluster writing ability, for this hiatus fiasco, for not having the ability to plot properly... Everything. Should I start posting again, I hope, in earnest, that I can provide a better experience. And, should I not, I hope the community finds someone more suited to this kind of character.
Here is a low-res picture of Bone Island, Sri Lanka: ))
