Breaking the silence
So today I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts âTerrible. Thanks for asking.â and the episode really hit hard. It featured a woman who survived sexual violence and now is an advocate for helping others break their silence.Â
In the podcast Sarah said something along the lines of: no amount of kale salads or bubble baths will help get over your trauma. And that hit hard. Because that is exactly what I did for so long. I was self-destructive and thought certain things would help when they clearly havenât. So I guess I will take her advice and just break the silence.Â
So here it is: the full story that I doubt people will read.Â
about half of 2014 and half of 2015 I dated a guy who, through emotional manipulation, violence, and assault, has left such a terrible long lasting impact on me that I still recollect on almost every day.Â
He literally said the words âi think i try to hurt you because i love youâÂ
he would constantly lie and do things that would hurt me and i would excuse it.Â
We got to go to China together with our choir at University and that was when he got physical. We were arguing at a night club and he grabbed my throat. The next day when i said something, we told me i was just too drunk and did not remember correctly. The next day we left to go back to Texas.
After months of lying and collecting half naked pictures of his ex on his computer, phone, ipad, etc. i was getting close to being done. One day, and i admit fully that this was wrong, i looked at his ipad. Days prior he was checking his email and i saw his exâs name. When i asked about it, he said i must have not seen correctly. I looked and found a gallery of her naked pictures. I woke him up and told him to leave. He got violent again and tackled me to the floor. we scuffled and after it ended, i only had a few cuts on my hand that were bleeding. When i tried to show him what he had done, he said he blacked out.Â
He changed his entire routine to be on campus when i would. He would just appear where I was. He would look at my tweets and then try to text me about it. one of the last encounters we had was when he sexually assaulted me.Â
It was a tailgate day and i got very drunk. He lived in my complex and offered to take me home. He came into my apartment and when i was trying to shower he didnt leave. He pulled the curtain to the side and watched me. After my shower i climbed into bed and he said âi am not going to kiss youâ and then proceeded to try and shove his tongue down my through while He grabbed my chest. I may have been drunk but i remember this vividly. I had to physically get him out of my apartment where he tried to grab my chest again. For the longest time I shrugged all of these occurrences and words off. But after going to my therapist, I can recognize that that was assault, and it was abuse. This is my message: these events might have not been severe. A throat grabbed once, tackled once, semi-stalking, and unsolicited grabbing. but they are still NOT OK. TO EVERYONE: do not undermine your assault or abuse because it wasnât severe. You need to acknowledge it. Abuse is abuse and assault is assault.
Please try to recognize small red flags like emotional manipulation.Â
Do not let someone tell you they hurt you because they love you. Â Â
You are worth so much more than that and deserve to be treated so well.Â
It hurts to see someone who hurt you so much still have so much support and friends. Try not to worry about that â worry about you. do what you have to do to heal. but please, do not stay silent.Â
Itâs domestic violence awareness month and I wanted to post on my insta or twitter about this, but I think I might leave it here.Â
This year was the first year I didnât have a horrible depressive episode around the times that these events occurred. I am so thankful for growth and self-love.Â
I think that, for the most part, I have forgiven him. I donât think I will ever receive an apology or even acknowledgement from him about what he did and I have come to accept that. What I want is for more people to realize that abuse comes in so many shapes and sizes: financial, emotional, physical, sexual. And abuse can vary, like mine did.Â
I used to minimize everything he did - oh it wasnât r*pe, so it isnât sexual assault. Oh he didnât give me a black eye, so I wasnât really abused. But now, after years of work, I can sit with these experiences and know that this was abuse. And now I can sit and think that these could have just been the starting point if I didnât get out when I did.Â
Please, if you are experiencing any time of abuse from your partner, call 1-800-799-safe. They also have a chat option. If you donât feel comfortable doing this, please talk to just anyone who you feel comfortable with. My chat is always open.Â
