One bad dream and I wake up feeling the same, a wave of grief for someone still alive, I can’t tell if I suppressed it for so long on purpose or if I got to busy grieving my own life that I couldn’t make time for something so small:. Either way it came back a few days ago, so many emotions at least they didn’t stay long,. Not like a year ago or before June. I guess when you bury the most important person to you, things like a breakup feel trivial, but I got so focused on my own grief and my family as I should I forgot about what I felt before the worst thing happened. I was in my 20s and heartbroken: 20s and inlove, 20s and doing anything I could to make it work with a man who couldn’t choose me but couldn’t leave either, until he did for others. I’m sure I cried a few days ago out of anger, how could the man who made the funeral worse, my life worse, my purpose worse, how could a man like that smile for a picture, go out, exist with no accountability, all he had were names to call me in the end and all I did for a year was give silence.. I still do, somedays I wish I could lose my mind, blow his phone up, maybe then I could accept the names he’s called me. And yet if I lose myself like that I don’t think I’ll ever get her bsck. I’m barely holding on now, I don’t feel like myself, I don’t like the same things I did before, I don’t know what makes me laugh, I don’t know what calms me down. I don’t know if I hate the man or still love him. Can’t tell if I miss him or miss my life when I was with him. I long for partnership but can’t look at another soul. I still sedate myself at night. I still cry myself to sleep: I have been at my limit for months now. How could I possibility find someone new, and I’m so angry that he gets to do whatever he wants, he gets to cause all this harm, he gets to hurt me, he gets to still be in my head and live a life with no accountability. No wonder I cry, now wonder one bad dream brings it back. At least I’m treading water knowing the kind of person I am, knowing the kind of people I have around me. At least I know on my worst days my friends hold me, that I could ask anything of them. Call at anytime, that I could go crawl into any of their beds and he can’t even please people enough for them to stay. When you meet a man with no friends, don’t think he’s misunderstood at 27, accept that that a man who has no friends no peers and no one to call, will always leave you for more validation.
dailybridgerton
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
germansingergirl
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
