Life Goes On

Life is hard and rarely very fair. It is those difficult times that enable us to grow, and in doing so, we discover who we are and what we're capable of.

[anythingpossible]

Deep dark truth

The dial on my crazy-odometer was spinning out of control. Thoughts were speeding around and bottlenecking at the point in my brain where information is processed then rationalized for an appropriate response. I gave it my best shot.

"Are you going to miss your flight? What is going on?"

"Well, we were in the car and I asked your father if he had spoken to her today, and he fumbled with his explanation." (The cringe as she said "her" showed just how repulsed she was.) "I told him to stop the car and let me out. I walked from the end of the road back. Something just doesn't feel right. He is hiding information from me. I need to know the truth about this whole situation."

I looked at my mother. She was trying her best to hold it together; her posture, tall and strong, her speech, confident and unshaken. Yet, I could still see the scared woman inside of her, grasping for the cold, hard truth to fill in the holes of the story she had been told. For the first time in my life, I felt sorry for my mother. Even worse, I felt sorry that I was going to be the one to tell her.

"Mom, are you sure that you really want to know. . . everything?"

"Yes, Carrie, I need to know. So, please, tell me exactly what you know."

So, I did. I told her how Dad was acting suspicious all day; the day he dropped her off at the train station. I told her how I crept down the stairs and overheard his entire conversation, and how I confronted him the second he got off of the phone. I told her everything he said to Liss and I on that terrible night. I told her what I overheard him saying to his friend about planning to move into an apartment. I told her how he convinced us it was best for her that he to tell her by himself, in the privacy of their home and sent Liss and I away for the night. I told her every detail in between -- the signs Liss had seen months ago of Dad acting strange, the CD I found on his desk titled "For my babe", the text messages I found on Dad's phone, the information that came up when I googled the woman's name -- and finally, I told her to leave the man. I told her to pack her things and leave my father. It was the most unsettling, yet liberating conversation I have ever had with my mother.

[anythingpossible]

[anythingpossible]

There was a haze of confusion in the air as Melissa and I tidied up Bobby's apartment and gathered up our things to go home. Although it was only an overnight exile, it felt like we had been stuck in a bubble for a week and there was so much we missed. We were anxious to get back and to find out what had happened last night but at the same time, we were scared to enter a new habitat; our house. Our house which would never be the same -- stained by deceit, tainted by betrayal, and cold from dried up memories of the life we knew. The glass window of our lives had been broken and each fragmented piece was too sharp to pick up and put back together. Liss and I were ready to go home and talk to Mom, but we did not have the slightest idea what to expect.

When we pulled into the driveway, both cars were parked in the garage. Dad was still home. I parked my car and we proceeded to the door. Liss and I walked in. 

"Hello?" I waited quietly for a response.

"Hello girls," Mom called from the upstairs bedroom.

We cautiously walked up the stairs to our parents' bedroom. We found Mom in her bathroom cleaning the mirrors and countertops. She turned around when she saw us.

"Good morning girls, how are you?" she asked cheerfully.

I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone. Liss looked just as confused as I.

"Mom, where is Dad?" I asked.

"Oh, he is getting out the luggage from the basement. Our flight leaves early tomorrow, so we should get all packed up tonight." She explained.

My parents had a vacation planned for a week in Florida which included my sister and her boyfriend, but I had assumed it would be canceled in light of the recent events. How were things running business as usual?

"Mom, did you get our letter?"

"Yes girls, and thank you so much. Go and wait in your room, I will be right in to talk to you."

Finally, some acknowledgement of the elephant in the room. Liss and I walked over to my room and sat on the bed. A minute later, Mom walked in and closed the door behind her. She sat down at my desk and began to speak:

"I just want to let you girls know that everything is alright. You father and I had a long talk last night and we are going to be okay. I appreciate you being so considerate of my feelings, but I don't want you to worry."

"And, we are still going to Florida?" Liss asked.

"Yes, we are going to go and have a great time!"

This was one vacation I was glad I was missing. I stayed in my room most of the rest of the day, avoiding my dad and trying to understand how "everything was okay."

The next morning, at 6AM, Mom, Dad, Melissa and her boyfriend, Dan bustled out of the house and headed to the airport. 

The silence and emptiness of the house gave me a sense of solace. A week free from drama and exhausting family scruples. I could go about my normal life in peace. I started with the simplest of tasks: laundry. I opened my hamper and began grabbing clothes, when I heard the garage door open and close. I froze. I focused on the sound of the footsteps as they moved from the kitchen to the foyer, up the staircase, until they reached their destination at the entrance of my room. 

"Forget something?" I asked.

Mom closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed. Her eyes revealed a depth of fear and anger that I had never seen before.

But she spoke with strength and courage: "Tell me everything you know. I want to know everything."

[anythingpossible]

[anythingpossible]

Waiting room

Your mother and I, here. Alone.

The phrase echoed then lingered in my brain for a minute, while I tried to grasp its meaning. Alone meant Liss and I would have to be somewhere else, but where? Alone meant my father could give whatever version of the story he preferred; inserting or omitting details, manipulating the thoughts and images in my mother's mind that would best serve my father's interests. But, most of all, alone meant that my mother would have no pillars of support to comfort her when she received the devastating news. My sister and I had both seen the transformation in my father's disposition and the distinct emotional detachment from the strands of his marriage -- however strained -- and a reformed spirit, which was prepared to embark on a new life path. This concerned me,but I respected my father's request and made arrangements to stay at a friend's college apartment in Delaware, which was vacant for the summer.

Before, departing for the night, Liss and I wrote a short letter to Mom to let her know how deeply sorry we were for the whole mess and that we would be by her side to console her the minute that she called for us to return home. We sealed up the letter and placed the envelope delicately next to a photo of our grandmother on her nightstand. Then, Liss and I made our way down to Delaware.

The plan was to have dinner at a fun Mexican restaurant that  Liss loved; it was the one we always ate at when my family came to visit me at college. Then we were going to catch a movie and maybe some late night ice cream blizzards at the Dairy Queen. Lots of distractions to keep our minds from fixating on the nightmare of an evening Mom would be enduring.

When we got to Bobby's apartment, we plopped our bags on the floor and looked at each other as if we had just finished a ten mile hike. We were physically exhausted and had very little motivation to do anything. Liss said what I was thinking: "You want to see if we can order Chinese or something?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

As we opened up our paper boxes and soy packets, I asked, "Want to watch one of Bobby's movies while we eat?"

Liss and I didn't leave the apartment all night, and although we stayed occupied watching movies from Bobby's vast array of male-appealing film selection, we were actually waiting anxiously for Mom's phone call. We waited and waited, until we could no longer keep our eyes open. 

"I can't believe they're still talking" Liss said.

"Well, there is a lot to talk about. Let's go to sleep."

The next morning, like an auto-reflex, our heads popped off our pillows and we both checked our cell phones for missed calls. Nothing. We looked at each other, perplexed. 

"Do you think something happened?" Liss asked.

"I'm done waiting. This is ridiculous! I'm calling Mom."

"I don't know if that's a good..."

I flipped open my phone and began dialing. It rang twice.

"Hello."

"Mom?"

"Yes, sweety." 

Her voice was unsettlingly calm and warm.

"Is . . .everything . . .okay?"    Again, I found myself caught between, what the hell is going on and what the hell do I say?

Liss was sitting right beside me, staring painfully at the blanket she was fidgeting with, waiting for a signal to start breathing again.

Before I could probe any further, Mom responded: "Why don't you girls head home. We can talk then." 

[anythingpossible]

[anythingpossible]

I marched solemnly down the basement stairs in front of my father. I could feel his conniving pupils piercing me in the back. I knew this was going to be more than just a little chat. He had evidently found time to do some research and planning in the midst of "meeting with doctors all day".

He seemed to think he had complete control over the situation. Dressed in his best suit of pin stripes and arrogance, drenched in his vindictive bastard cologne, which reeked so badly I nearly gagged. Nevertheless, I was prepared to grab the helm from him at the first sight of trouble.

"Take a seat Carrie."

I was more comfortable standing, but I sat down on the couch beside Melissa anyway. Maybe two judicious faces glaring up at him would make him reconsider his sins. Liss was extremely nervous, I could tell, but she held herself together quite well. I couldn't tell if she had no emotion left inside or she believed that my father had devised the perfect solution that would wipe all this horror away.

"I did a lot of thinking last night and today..." He began.

Well I should hope so, you're holding three people's lives in the balance.

"I am going to pick your mother up from the train station on Friday and bring her back to the house to tell her. I think it should be here in the privacy and comfort of our own home. I know she is going to be livid with me and I'm anticipating a long, grueling conversation. Your mother may even tell me to pack up my things right then and there. You girls know how she is."

Yeah I know how she is, I lived in the same house with her for 22 years. She doesn't put up with anyone's lies or bullshit. She's going to tear through you like a pit-bull whose found a rib-eye steak.

"I have already made arrangements to move out into my own apartment."

My heart stopped. Even though I had heard mention of it on the phone, I could not believe my father was already planning his exit strategy.  I let him continue on.

"Your mother should have the house and I don't want to disrupt your girls' lives. So, it's just better if I move out on my own."

Don't want to disrupt our lives?! It's a little late for that, Dad. I'm pretty sure Melissa and I's lives have permanently derailed.

"So you definitely think Mom is going to want a divorce?" Melissa asked.

Without hesitation he replied, "Your mother is never going to be okay with what I've done and even if we tried to work through it, I don't want to live a life where I am constantly being punished for my mistakes. I don't want to be haunted by this in every argument: 'but you cheated on me!'  No. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who appreciates me."

Wow. He had completely made up his mind. It was over. And he had mapped out his escape route to his new life.  I had no words. I had to respect the fact that he recognized he had made a huge mistake and was not willing to pay my mother's consequences. He would rather gather the minuscule scraps left of his dignity and move on with his life.

"I know it is a lot to ask you girls not to say anything to your mother until I speak to her, but please... let me be the one to tell her. Please do not say anything to her or to anyone until I speak to her.

And one more thing..." 

Oh good, there's more.

"I will need you two to find a place to stay on Friday night. I want it to just be your mother and I here. Alone."

[anythingpossible]

the light of day

Melissa and I woke up in the morning to find our father gone. Granted, it was a Monday so he was most likely at work. When we got down stairs to make some cereal, we were greeted by a short note: Goodmorning girls, I have meetings with doctors all day but I should be home around 5. Have a great day! Love, Dad. Liss and I read the note and looked at each other with the same thought. He just got up and went to work, and left a casual note, like it was any other day? Having had enough drama, we took our bowls of Honeynut Cheerios down to the basement rec. room to watch tv. We stayed down there for the greater part of the day, still dressed in our pajamas, sweat and tears from the night before. We felt like zombies and we had no motivation to do anything productive, at all. I did manage to call my boyfriend and fill him in on the situation. I assured him I was okay for now and that I would keep him updated. Somewhere around the middle of Oprah, Melissa turned to me and asked, “What do you think we should do?” Being careful not to ignite any poignant emotions, I replied “I suppose we just wait for Dad to come home and see if he’s spoken to Mom.” “Right.” She turned back to Oprah for a minute, and then, “What if he hasn’t? What if Mom calls us first?” Ugh. My throat tightened. I honestly didn’t know what we should do if our mom called us first. She wasn’t going to be home until Friday and there was a very good possibility that she would call my sister or I, or at least the house line before then. “Well, I think we hold off on answering any calls from Mom until we talk to Dad. At least for today.” I also realized we needed to figure this out sooner rather than later. Melissa and I could not be expected to avoid our mother for a week. <Slam> I heard the sound of the front door of the house shut. He was home. We looked at each other sharply, and then my sister gave me a look like, what now? Without saying anything I got up from the sofa and crept up the basement stairs to see what my father was doing. I opened the basement door just enough to peek out to the first floor. I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him. He was on the phone in the office within an earshot of my hiding spot. “Yeah, I appreciate it but I found a place. No, not too expensive. It’s just a one bedroom, though. I don’t need anything bigger. Well, she doesn’t come home until the end of the week, but the girls are here. Okay, I’ll keep that in mind...” The voice rapidly grew louder, and then the door swung open and my father was suddenly hovering over me. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.” <Click> As he hung up the phone I stood up straight and gave him the best stern, inquisitive look I had. “Spying on me again, Carrie?” he said with a lightness and humor that baffled me. “Come on, let’s go downstairs and talk. I assume your sister would also like to know what’s going on.”

[anythingpossible]

[anythingpossible]

the plea

My heart sank at the sight of it. My father anxiously waiting for my reply and my sister’s big brown eyes begging for diplomacy. I unclenched my hands from the duffle bag handle and took a second to gather my composure. I looked over to see tears now streaming down my sister’s tender face. I could not leave without her. I knew whatever distraught, unsettled emotions I was going through, did not compare to the trauma and ambivalence she was experiencing. I love my sister to the depths of my soul, and I would stay with her, if for no other reason, but to shield her from any manipulative measures my father might try. “I don’t feel right staying here” I said calmly. My father took a slow step toward me. “I’m sorry Carrie. I know I’m acting erratic but I’m just scared and embarrassed. I never meant for you to hear me on the phone or know what’s been going on. I love you and your sister very much and I don’t want you two to be caught in the middle. I plan to tell your mother everything... I just ask that you please don’t call her tonight. And please, don’t talk to her before I do.” My father was asking for a tall order, but I knew he should be the one to tell my mother about the other woman. I only wondered if he wanted to work things out with Mom or start a new life with this woman. “Okay. I am fine with that. But, if you do not tell Mom... if you do not tell her everything, full disclosure...be certain that I will.” If I was going to surrender my right to  leave, I wanted to be firm about that point. “Of course, Carrie. I would expect nothing less from you. And your mother would be proud to know you have so loyally defended her tonight.” He was getting sentimental and sweet... I didn’t trust it. He bravely walked over to me, placed his hand on my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. “Goodnight” he murmured,  and then walked off to his bedroom. Melissa was still standing in the doorway. She was void of all human function. I switched off my bedroom light and went over and grabbed her hand. “Come on. Let’s go to sleep Liss.” We laid in her bed the rest of the night, hoping to wake up tomorrow and this would all have been a terrible dream.

[anythingpossible]

decisions

Dashing into my bedroom, I pounced on my desk grabbing my cell phone. Without hesitation I flipped open the phone and dialed.

"Come on. Come on...please pick up," I anxiously whispered to myself.

"Hello."

"Tyler! Hey, it's me. I'm sorry to call so late, but I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom and then..."

"Woah, wait. What? Babe, back up...what is going on?" I knew I was coming off irrational and borderline insane, but I had no time to explain to my boyfriend everything that had just unfolded in my house.

"Tyler, I know I sound crazy right now, but I need you to trust me. I caught my dad on the phone with another woman and he confessed to a relationship. He's angry and being defensive and I'm afraid to stay here. Can my sister and I come stay with you for the night? Please?" I had to wrap this conversation up before my father caught wind of it.

"Yes, yes. Of course babe. Get your things and come over. And Carrie... I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll tell me everything, but... I'm sorry and I love you."  His gentle voice on the other end of the line gave me a sense of comfort, but the feeling was brief and then I realized I needed to get moving. I grabbed a small duffle bag from under my bed and began throwing clothes in it. I didn't want to waste any time. I quickly ran to my sister's room and told her to get her things together to leave. She was still gathering the pieces of her broken heart and I could tell she was fragile and weak. 

"Come on, Liss" I nudged her. "We are leaving right now." She solemnly nodded and I returned to my bedroom to collect the rest of my things.

Suddenly I heard footsteps making their way up the staircase. Shit, he's coming up. I didn't care anymore. I was leaving. I didn't feel safe sleeping in the same house as this man and I was too furious to talk anymore. I needed space and time to clear my head and devise a plan of action. Liss and I would have to stay with Tyler until I could figure out what to do. I had no intention of calling my mother that night. I knew it would do no good and I couldn't bear the thought of her having to cope with her emotions alone in her dismal hotel room. I would call her in the morning when I was more calm and had a firmer grip on the situation.

I looked up to find my father standing in the doorway. Stay strong I told myself. Do not let him know you're sad and frightened.

"Where are you going?" He asked, in a tranquil voice that made me suspicious.

"We are leaving. I don't feel comfortable staying here tonight." And as the words left my mouth I noticed my sister standing closely behind my father...and I knew she wasn't going to abandon him, but...could I abandon her?

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[anythingpossible]

fall from grace

"No" flew out of his mouth, as fickle and hollow as a Chinese finger trap. His face turned a disturbingly shade of red and his rapidly blinking eyes refused to make contact with mine. I didn't know what to say, but before I could approach my next question, he launched into what can only be characterized as a pathetic attempt to gain some pity or validation for his shameful deeds.

"You don't understand Carrie. Your mom... she doesn't... she hasn't for a long time...she never shows me love or affection. It's like laying in bed every night with a perfect stranger. She's cold...she's not..."

"Okay, stop. Just stop right there dad. I don't need to hear this. I don't want to hear this. There's no excuse for what you're doing and you're never going to convince me otherwise. You may be the number one salesman in your company, but you're not going to sell me on this."

For the first time in my life I disagreed with my father and knew in my heart, I was right. It was a terrible, gut wrenching feeling, and I began to be overwhelmed with a feeling I cannot wholly describe. But it was a feeling that I had lost all trust and respect for my father. My role model, my confidant, my protector, my rock. All of my sterling memories and idealized sentiments were shattered in that moment. I was horrified. If a man like this, a man I've know for 22 years, a man who raised me and taught me everything I know about life, values, and morals can betray his wife and lie to his family, then... then anyone is capable of this.

I felt like I was trapped in an hourglass; my world had been flipped upside down and the flow of sand was suffocating me. I needed to get out of there. I made a quick glance at my sister and then got up from my chair and began to make my way across the kitchen.

My dad, charged with rage, bolted towards me. "What are you going to do, go call your mother? That wouldn't be fair to her, she's on an important business trip!" I ignored him but he continued his rant, "There's no point in contacting her at this hour, it's almost 3am, Carrie!" He then stood right before me, blocking the kitchen doorway, my exit to freedom.

"I don't care what you say. I will do what I feel is best for Mom...what I feel is the right thing to do. Get out of my way!"

Then the ferociously angry man quickly flipped off every light switch until the first floor was pitch black, and I darted upstairs to my bedroom, terrified. 

[anythingpossible]

The talk

My sister looked at me and then said, "Come on, let's go."

"What??!! We are not going down there! He is crazy! Liss, we are not talking to him!"

"Carrie, we have to."

"Why? Because he told us to? No, I think we stay up here and decide what to do."

"Carrie, we can't just hide from him. He's our father. We need to give him a chance to explain himself." 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from my sister. What could my dad possibly say now to make things okay? He was a liar and cheater and I no longer trusted anything he said.

"Let's just talk to him. Maybe it's not what we think, Care. If he gets angry and defensive we can leave."

I wasn't convinced that this was a worthwhile venture but I tried to sympathize with my sister and I was slightly curious as to what my dad had to say. So, we slowly walked downstairs together. 

As we shuffled into the kitchen, my dad motioned for the both of us to take seats on the stools at the counter. His disposition had changed to a cool, calm, and casual one. I didn't buy it. He was going to try something smooth and sneaky to win our affection back. He stood facing us on the other side of the counter, hands firmly pressed down on the marble, permeating a half tender, half intimidating energy toward us.

"So, we have some things to talk about." He started. "You heard me talking to a friend on the phone and I need to clear things up for you. Today... when I went to meet a friend for a drink... that was her. She is going through a tough time in her life and I have been trying to be supportive. And, we..."

"And you are staying over her house tomorrow?" I interrupted him. I didn't want to hear a long, drawn out explanation, watered down for us to seem less tragic than it actually was.

"Um...well...she..." as he was searching for the right words, I interjected again.

"And you comfort her with kisses?" I said sarcastically.

My sister was still numb with silence. I could tell she was interested in hearing the answers to my questions, but she didn't dare chime in. 

He chuckled as if my questions were silly, but I knew it was his way of deflecting the heat from my interrogation.

"Why do you think I am comforting her with kisses?" Answering my question with a question. I was really getting irritated. 

"Do you forget? I heard the whole conversation, Dad! I heard you say that you kissed her and couldn't wait to kiss her again! Are you going to continue to lie, or are we going to have an honest conversation?"

"Alright, okay Carrie...the truth is..."

"How long have you been seeing her?" I wasn't messing around anymore, I wanted hard facts.

"Seeing her? We are just friends..." He was still hanging on to this lie.

"Dad. How long has this been going on? Tell me right now." I wasn't letting him off the hook. 

"Not long at all. Three weeks. Tops." Finally, he gave me a straight answer.

"Okay, who is she? How did you two meet?" I wanted to know how this little romance came about and furthermore, who pursued who. 

"She is a nurse at one of the hospitals I work at... she was introduced to me by a colleague at lunch one day... we got to talking and had a really nice conversation and..."

Without letting him finish, I posed another question: "And have you slept with this woman?" It's time to get down to business, I thought. I needed to know how serious things were with the other woman.

[anythingpossible]

[anythingpossible]

war

"I heard you." "You  heard  what?" He snapped back. "I heard everything. The whole conversation." "And...?" He replied, as if waiting for the punchline.

I couldn't believe he was acting coy with me. Did he think I was that naive? I guess we were going to play hard ball. So be it. I was ready. I made sure my eyes struck him square in the soul as I spoke.

"Well, you made some pretty amorous comments on the phone there and I know you weren't speaking to Mom..."

A quick roll came from his guilty eyes and the language of his body adjusted to a defensive stance.

"You don't know anything Carrie!" "Oh no Dad?  Well, I know enough."

I could see he wasn't going to come clean and I lost all interest in trying to reason with the frazzled man standing before me. Disgusted and frustrated, I turned my back on him and made my way up the staircase to find my distraught baby sister. I opened her bedroom door to find my sister standing in a corner wiping her swollen face. She was paralyzed with fear, I could see, but we needed to stick together if we were going to defeat the enemy, the traitor, who suddenly entered our lives.

"Liss" I said softly. "You okay?" I knew she wasn't but I proceeded on.

"Why don't you come into my room and we can talk."

I fully intended to get my sister into my bedroom so that we could devise a plan together. I wasn't sure what the plan would be, but I knew it involved getting the hell away from that house and that man. Fast. Just as I reached for her arm to pull her towards the door, I was startled by the shouting from downstairs.

"Carrie! Melissa! Get down here! Both of you.  Now." I had barely gotten a chance to console my sister, when the grunts from the pacing bull in the kitchen had summoned for me and Melissa to come downstairs. The adrenaline had started to wear off. Now I was scared.

[anythingpossible]