Apathetic Diary @apatheticdiary - Tumblr Blog

Merry Christmas, may you find hope, strength, love, and salvation in Christ.

Social Anxiety

My friends, I know I haven’t really been active on anything except mainly perusing my main haunts which usually includes Gab, Twitter, and my Google News feed. This is mainly because I have found a few things that are making it more difficult for me to participate in my inner workings. I’ve developed some mental health issues in this “new world” and it has made this whole world crazy. I realize that I’ve fought most of this pressure, but I developed some social anxiety along the way. I historically have been known for my ability to socialize despite it not being common in my field. I’ve found that I’ve started having a sense of dread at the concept of someone coming over and going in public. With my job I’ve been able to remain in my house sometimes weeks at a time without leaving the house. With COVID, it’s now acceptable to cancel any public appearance at the drop of a dime over having the sniffles, which being married with multiple kids comes all the more. I have a Gab account to allow me to speak my mind whenever I feel but even on there I rarely say anything because I fear having to go through the responding process. Our world has changed so drastically in my lifetime, when I was born, people had to use mail, meet in person, or talk to someone on the phone to do any kind of business. Now I can order my groceries and get them delivered to my front door without ever talking to someone. It is an amazing feat of technology but is devastation to our moral and our society. Now we’ve got a society that’s been attempting to push us to do nothing but support giant corporations while talking out the other side of our mouth at how horrible that is. I use to have friends that were so anti-pharmaceutical that the thought of their profits triggered them into hours of complaining. Those same people now look at me and my family who haven’t been vaccinated and act like we are black sheep and avoid talking to us at all it feels.

Don’t get me wrong on this, I struggle with object permanence with my friends and family. I often go over a month without talking to my best friends (especially now). I have struggled to make friends for years because of this. I just felt that I was putting all the blame on society’s obsession with hypochondriac lifestyles right now. I’m just pointing that society has been pushing me even further in this direction.

Let me bring this back around to be more important than a rant of isolationism. I would be remiss if I didn’t get to the root and the battle that’s at work here. Christ made for himself a bride that is composed of his church, the collection of believers that he has called to himself. In our hearts, we have feelings that often conflict with the gospel. Our calling is to his church; our calling is to a community. In this we often give ourselves reasons as to why it’s okay or ways that allow us to live in fear when Christ gives us rest from our fears. He knows we need his community, to behave as I have and to allow the behavior, I have seen progress without attempting to stop it. That indeed is sin. When we fear above what God has called us to, we are not walking in his way. Does this mean we are without hope? Absolutely not, we have Christ, the forgiver of our sins. This is what we can do, we can rejoice, repent, and turn to Christ and his church. Separation from the body of Christ is the work of Satan and his demons. We are in a battle not of flesh and blood.. This is a spiritual battle and Christ is victorious. May we always remember that this world is full of spiritual battles, not just the battles we have with our own flesh.

It has been a while and we know it would be great if the reason was Apathetic was no longer the reason, am I right? No, it's not.. probably worse than before at this point but I am so stressed that I'm struggling to survive. Things have taken a path towards no personal life at all. I honestly feel like I can't most weeks. Lately I've been dealing with back pain on top of my normal pains, the days I can get out, I can't, or can't for long. Lots have changed since I was last active. Some better, some worse, and some of the same. I have been more utilized at work and my resourcefulness to getting my cases done is noticed. The problem is I'm not doing s good job at balance. It has been good for a few weeks, we got more people that can take cases and that has lightened my load, but before that I was ready to rage quit. Which I am not in a good spot financially for that to be a thing, but it has gotten my feelers out when I didn't think I would. I am working hours like my last job (or worse) but I'm getting cases that last days instead of most cases lasting only hours. That is taking a toll on me and is likely the reason I'm typing this out at 12:15 in the morning. I do need sleep and will be getting some stuff at least later this month in line. Pray for me and my family, we are currently all sick and worn out. Also keep my work situation in your prayers as well. Thank you and God Bless.

Happy New Year

This year has been totally crazy and totally useless in so many ways. I am glad it has come to an end and glad that the last two months have been very somewhat different from the rest personally. I’m crazy excited about what this new year will bring as there’s so many differences from previous that I’m not sure how we’ll deal with it all. New job, new stress level, new year, new hobbies(I will try to see what I can do with that in the future) and so much more. I hope things are looking up for you and your families as well. May God be gracious to us in the coming year, may he remove the plagues and many other devastating things that we’ve been going through. Lord, may we turn to you in repentance and faith as this year ends, may our hearts be renewed by your spirit. I also may be having some new things in the next few months that might be cool.