[365]

Work In Progress

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I don’t know why I did that. That wasn’t fair or warranted. 

I’m sorry.

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You know that feeling I was talking about about a year/2 ago? That weird lingering emptiness? Yea it hasn’t gone away. I still haven’t figured it out, but it gets annoying every now and then. Some days it’s worse than others. Maybe its loneliness or a lack of meaning. I still feel departed from now.

Sure, it’s still very early in my life, but I’m still afraid I won’t be able to resolve this thing. I’ll probably look back at this maybe a couple years from now and I’m hoping that I have resolved it. 

The only thing that I’ve found has been able to distract me is watching films. Most of these movies are foreign and have very real stories describing the life of someone or something. Like the movie Nobody Knows (2014) it was about these kids that lived in apartment after being abandoned by their mother. Although most of the movie was pretty quiet and slow I still felt something after watching it. The way they tell stories from movie format is one of few things that I still get an emotional connection from. Of course I still watch some movies for entertainment, but a lot of the movies that I watch and feel something from are the few with these stories that aren’t just for sake of entertainment. This is why I love movies so much, because it convinces me that the weird emptiness thing is temporary, that I can still get a feeling for something and can still empathize.

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I remember back in highschool when I went to go watch Inside Out with the old group the pixar short with the volcano played.

That short had me all kinds of fucked up because at the time I was still really into the idea that I’d find someone and I was still really into Shereen too. I was sitting relating to a fucking singing animated volcano. That’s pretty sad if you think about it.

On another note, I’ve really missed watching movies every week. Movies have always been something that I really love even if the movie itself is pretty shit. I like being able to relate to a film and I think very highly of anyone that write and direct movies.

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I would’ve hoped that things would be easier when it got this far.

They aren’t.

At this point I’m just hoping that the second time around I can get things right and do what I’m actually motivated for. I just want to have the drive and happiness that I used to. Is it dumb to chase something from the past? Maybe the pursuit of something new is the only way to progress.

After all, I’ve only been dwelling and contemplating about how good things were. Where has this gotten me? I’m so focused on trying to bring back those old good feelings that I’ve completely forgot to move forward with my life.

Maybe that’s the problem. I want to move forward, but the past is so much more familiar and happier than what it is now. Or I’m just fooling myself into thinking that.

I can’t stay here forever.

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I’ve really never felt as though I fell into any group I’ve ever been with. I’m usually left behind or just ignored all together. That has always seem to be the case with whatever group I was associated with.

There was one time that I went to kbbq with my mom and brother and while I was eating I saw the old group that I used to hang out with come in. I felt really left out, because everyone in the group seemed to be there. From then it happened quite a few more times. I guess that’s why I don’t really care to be in a group of friends anymore. It’s probably even why I’ve stopped investing time into making new friends. Because it seems so temporary. All that ends up happening is some drama and shit and people being left out. Then things fall apart. So, whats the point? Especially if all that shit becomes meaningless anyways.

I don’t usually feel shitty and get caught up in all that old stuff, but I think about it a lot. It makes me wonder what I did wrong, or if I was anything more than just a token person just to kick it with. Or someone that people just ran to when they needed some shit whether its companionship, help, or monetary things.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it really does feel like being used. 

I think I learned to spot it, it feels disgusting and horrible to be used.

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The unconditional love of a mother is something that has no parallel.

No matter how dumb I’ve felt or what decisions I’ve made my mom has always supported me. Even when I felt like a failure to the family she didn’t love me any less.

I want to do better for what they’ve sacrificed to get me to where I am. I don’t want them to feel like shit.

I have to do better for them and myself.

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Can’t help but feel alone during this season. Every year. 

You know that feeling from before? The one that had me confused for the last 3 years? I think it’s gotten worse. I’ve ignored it, but what I’m feeling right now is a type of empty that I’ve never quite experienced before.

Why don’t I care? Why don’t I give a shit about anything? Why does everything feel so fucking pointless?

I can’t connect with anyone, it’s all bounded to the surface.

I don’t even feel like I  know what I’m doing, or what my intentions are. What the fuck is happening. I don’t want to think like this.

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You know every time this season rolls around I can’t help but think of the conversation we had that night. I don’t reminiscence about it willingly though. It kind of just comes up. You know, if you ever made that decision that night all the memories from then till now would’ve never existed. Every time I look back, the statement becomes more true. I just can’t believe it ever came down to that, where the world was relentless enough to keep beating you down until you thought that your worth meant nothing.

It really did break my fucking heart that you felt like that, you know?

It was even worse when all I could put together were words, but nothing that could convince you that life was worth fighting for.

I’m relieved that every season since then I’ve been able to reminiscence about it instead of remembering every day since then. I’m glad that you chose to stick along for the ride. I might give off the presence that I don’t need people in my life, but really it would have killed me to be alone.

I’m sorry if this brings up any memories that you were trying to forget, I just needed to talk about it. Thank you.

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You’ve lost your bearings. You don’t know what direction you’re headed. You’re so afraid and lost right now. Is what you are doing the right way? Are you feeling lonely? This is temporary. This is required. You need to be lost.  Don’t worry. You’ll remember what I’m saying when you reach that moment. You’ll know exactly why it had to be this way.

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I’m going to talk about why I don’t think I feel love anymore. I’ve addressed this before in a post much earlier, but I think I understand it better now. I think spending 4 year chasing after someone was not a good choice. I’ll be brutally honest with myself and say that I’m dumb as fuck for my decisions in high school. I guess this is what they mean when people say you’ll regret not enjoying high school. Anyways for 4 years I actually felt something for someone. How do I know? Well I’ll describe it. When ever i talked with Shereen I felt content and happy that I was getting closer with someone. I felt important and needed. Whenever we were together my heart would beat a little faster and my face would feel hot. I was nervous of saying the wrong things and always felt more when I was around her or talking with her. It was like nothing I’d experience before. After that 4 years of not saying how I felt, I think I just fed my fear of rejection. A growing point in my life is when I decided to tell her that I’d liked her for such a long time. She might not have felt the same, but it was what I needed. Now I know to how important it is to say what you’re feeling. I notice I hold back a whole lot less in what I say now. I give less of a shit. You know what I’m doing a lot better now personally and mentally.

I think I don’t feel love anymore because of that 4 years. I’m not blaming Shereen. It’s not even a question that it has nothing to do with her. I just feel that now I can’t feel love from anyone or give back the same feelings. I feel so disconnected from people. I’ve even noticed that I don’t empathize as well anymore. Its one of the shittiest things going on for me right now. It feels so empty and I’m mad at myself for feeling like this.

I get asked why I don’t like someone, but I don’t think I get to really decide that. From all the people I’ve met from the end of high school to now I haven’t had the feelings I had when I liked Shereen. No one I’ve met has made me feel nervous of being dumb, they haven’t made my heart beat faster, or my face feel like its boiling. They haven’t been the person that crosses my mind throughout the day, or someone that I feel a deep connection with. Absolutely no one from then to now has made me feel that way. I miss it sometimes. What ever happened to me?

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I realized here that this was something I really waned to do. I believe that going to JPL helped my realize the path I was taking was not a mistake. Of course I joke about physics ruining my life, but the truth is it has probably helped me a lot in my personal life. Of course I don’t mean the concepts from physics has made me a better human being, but rather the struggle of feeling dumb and learning to be humble about my shit. I found a major that matches what I wanted in life pretty well. I feel the small steps of change in my life now. These are the most important moments of my life, and if I can wish for anything is that I don’t waste them. Sure I’m still completely fucking scared of what I’m going to do in the long run, but I’m going to keep going because I’ve already got this far.

I’m not content with my life. Its up to me to make it right on myself to fix this shit.

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I really like the concept of what this page was suppose to be. The 365 photos and a story would have been very nice to look back at. I guess some things don’t always go as planned. I did look back though, it was interesting to see what we cared about back then. What we were most concerned about a year ago. Our biggest fears. A lot has changed, and yet at the same time it feels like nothing changed.  1 year ago we were both lost, didn’t know our own circumstances, and feared small problems. You know what, we’re both still lost, but we’ve come pretty far. The timeline from Wes and I talking in college again till now has so many different kinds of ups and downs that we barely realized its been almost a whole 2 years. We got through it. What happens from here?

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You know what? Our school car meets are complete shit. Its kind of just to see who has a nicer more expensive car. It isn’t so much about the build but the money. I’m not going to lie though I do like seeing the rich boy cars. Its probably the closest I’ll ever get to a nice car.

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Vegas was an interesting night because it started off as going to a simple car meet. Daniel decided, “Wanna go to Vegas?” Looking back it was one of the stupidest things we decided to do on a whim. It was interesting to hear about Daniels life, because up to that point we had been friends that didn’t really know anything about each other. Its a pretty cool feeling when you have those conversations that you know you’ll remember. Its hard now to get to know anyone anymore. Maybe its just how interactions have shifted from the past to now. It feels like people are a lot more cold now, there’s a pervasive distance between how much we’ll ever know about anyone.

Aside from that the important lesson I learned was never go to Vegas spontaneously. It’s dumb. At least have some money if you want to go to Vegas on a whim. 

Fuck it. Do it if your friend asks you. You’ll probably get some nice experience.

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In darkness we can capture the glimmers of light that come from even the most minuscule source. Around this time is when both me and Wes had changed since the beginning of freshman year in college. You could probably see it from all of the old stories we told and all the photos we took. The subjects started to change as well. Most of the photos we both take now are brights, with more contrast and vibrancy. Our old photos were surrounded in darkness and filled sparsely with light. I’m kind of glad we’ve changed. I hope things stay positive. We’re growing up.

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Around sometime during the summer is when I became really interested in cars. I went to car meets with Wes and Daniel. It was amazing to see the variety of builds that people had and the different kinds of cars people were interested in. This was one of my favorite photos from the superstreet car meet somewhere in Corona. I don’t remember the details clearly, but it was a car meet that wasn’t very niche. There were imports, domestics, and super/hyper cars that showed up to this meet. This was probably the biggest meet I’ve been to till this date. I feel like I got a better sense of how to take photos with this picture.

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This was another important experience in learning to take photos and video. It was a day full of adventure. We went to the Hai Tsai Lai Temple in Hacienda Heights. I believe this was during Chinese New Years. The temple was decorated nicely and filled with lights and lanterns. I think somewhere later that day we went to a casino then to San Diego for tacos. An interesting day.