Apple Pie Kind of Day

A public journal.

[applepiekindofday]

September 9, 2022

I don't want to go grocery shopping. And I'm dragging my feet about seeing my boyfriend over Zoom tonight. And my stomach just growled.

Is he going to expect sex? What if I look ugly on screen (I always feel it)?

I verge on dramatic when I admit this, but sometimes I wonder if I'll never be able to have a happy life. (gurl that was dramatic). Does everybody feel this Sad Girl about life? Yet this is just a moment within my life. I don't always feel like this. Sometimes I feel completely different.

Sometimes I feel like watching a sexy show with my boyfriend while I masturbate on the floor of my childhood bedroom and he watches on screen. Sometimes I feel like going hiking. Right now I just feel like being a sad girl.

_____

There's something about the air today. The breeze is reminiscent of fall. It's the kind of breeze I imagine is necessary for a perfect autumn walk through a corn field (what?). I haven't even stepped outside today, but I'm using the breeze as a reason to pull out my white sweater. I've worked hard to keep this sweater pristine. I can eat pretzels in it but not spaghetti.

It takes a commitment to wear this sweater. A commitment to not eating spaghetti. :(

_____

My Phone:

This endlessly buzzing object

Which I am subject

To

[applepiekindofday]

September 8, 2022

I really haven't been paying attention to the things that matter lately. Where the fuck has my mind been? It's been enlightening, though. My frenzied thoughts have got me thinking about all the possibilities, all the directions that my life could go in.

I've been thinking about vulnerability lately. Posting this is a practice in vulnerability.

That's what I want this to be: a practice. I've been thinking about the necessity of sustainability in self-care. Life is long (hopefully) and I want to maximize the wonderful moments.

_____

Tonight I walked to the gas station for a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I exchanged a few words with the cashier, a self-proclaimed "Ben and Jerry's gal." I immediately liked her. I intend to make friends with her and report back about the flavors.

I sat on a deserted set of bleachers on the outside of a small baseball field near the middle school to eat my ice cream. The moon is two nights away from being full. It was beautiful. Wherever I go, the moon goes with me.

_____

I keep checking my phone for a text. What's wrong with me? When do you get too old for bullshit like this?