so currently waiting to board my flight back to the states. it’s really bittersweet leaving asia this time around. i’m not really sure...how to process everything that went down in shanghai.
before i went to shanghai, the trip was pretty ok. actually no, let me rephrase. before we met up in shanghai, the trip was pretty ok, but then afterwards....i wouldn’t say everything went to shit but it all threw me so hard. i think i’m doing relatively ok now but...who knows it might get worse once i’m back in new york. it might get better?? i really don’t know. & i really don’t know what to hope for. obviously i hope for the best, but i don’t know what ‘the best’ means or what that would be.
that first night.............was awful. absolutely terrible. i felt so broken, so defeated, so lifeless. but it was an involuntary sort of lifelessness, as if all the life within my body & bones was forcibly ripped out. my body was shaking. my breath was short. my legs were weak. even thinking back on that night now is making my body buckle a little.
i recently looked back at a lot of our old conversations &...they really have me shook. i cannot believe that there was a time where he would talk to me the way he did, because he definitely would never speak to me like that now. change is not always palpable on everyone. over the past few years, the change in me is not that significant. however his is so palpable that it’s hard to believe it’s the same person i’m talking about.
i really do hope the best for us. like i said, i don’t know what ‘the best’ would be, but i hope for it. i hope that this year in 2019 we both find stability, in whatever aspects of our lives are in need of stability. i think that was truly the theme of 2018 for the both of us: instability. & it’s not fun. its ambiguity breeds a hybrid of questioning & doubt, both of which will so easily sever any bond...no matter how strong.
i am extremely grateful to have friends back in new york who are willing to help distract me & console me when necessary. i’m grateful i don’t have to go through this alone once i’m back in the states. it’s been a tough year & i’m not exactly optimistic of 2019 being better, but i’m certainly hoping it won’t be worse.
maybe the next 8 months are what we need to figure out what’s ‘best’ for us. maybe the next 8 months will help put an end to complication.
one thing’s for sure, i definitely don’t want to fly or travel anywhere for a while. at least 3 months. my body & mind are exhausted from travel & i really would just love to stay in one place for now.
perhaps my goal for 2019 is to become who i was in spring of 2016. of course i can’t be her exactly, but just an adapted version. the 2019 version. we’ll see how it goes. it’s easy for me to say to myself right now that things will be ok, that i will be ok, & that i will be successful in building back up my spiritual stability, but god knows action is never easy. i am very prepared to encounter days back in new york where my body & mind will feel lazy & i won’t be motivated to do anything, & my depression will prolong because of it. i am absolutely fine with that. i am also prepared to drink & smoke my way through 2019 with my new juul & all the cigarettes i bought in korea. i am determined to build back up my spiritual stability, by whatever means necessary--within reason.
excited for that, but again very sad to be leaving asia. i’m ok with leaving taiwan but i think i’d rather go back to shanghai first for a week before returning to new york. but if that were to happen, i wouldn’t want to leave shanghai after that. i just hate the act of leaving.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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