I don’t know where else to post it.
A year ago today, I sat outside and had a drink while I wrote one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever written in my life.
I don’t know how much has changed since then, but it think it’s a lot. It feels like a lot. On the surface it sure looks like a lot. But some days it feels like I’m still standing in the hallway frozen. I can’t move. And I feel stuck. Like, what do I do now? The same feeling I felt when I heard the words from Dr. Robison that I already knew. I knew he was already gone before he even began speaking. I didn’t need him to tell me. But I guess I did need him to tell me. Hearing the words made it real. It was like a movie. Everything felt like it was closing in. And I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t know how to do anything.
Sometimes I still feel that. I feel stuck in place. Scared to breathe. Scared to see his friends, his family. How do I face the people who didn’t know?
I wanted to call everyone. I wanted to go to Denise. I wanted to call Miles. I wanted to tell Nathan how sorry I was. But they told me I couldn’t do that and that they, the police, needed to be the ones. Would they tell them that I tried? Would they tell them that we broke up? Would they be there for Denise when she fell apart? What about Miles? Who is checking in on him? He won’t speak to me now. Matt’s kids still smile at me when they see me. But Matt doesn’t. He deleted me from Facebook and looks past me in public. I know we weren’t close before, hell, we only talked once, but how can he pretend I don’t exist?
And Jennifer. How can I look his sister in the eyes knowing that I never even met her during my short time with Steve, and yet she thinks she knows my whole story. Our whole story. I can’t even text Gabby let alone send Lydia the hundreds of letters I’ve written in my head. I don’t want to over step. It’s her territory. Not mine. She’s made that clear by telling the internet that I cheated. I didn’t. But I guess none of that matters now.
Why did I call Mike? Why did I put him through that nightmare? He didn’t have to be there. But I needed him with me. I didn’t even know Mike before. Why did I need HIM?
I’m not religious. Steve wasn’t either. I don’t think Mike and Sydney are. But those two strangers... they were put in my life for a reason. They are my family. Not because we talk frequently or anything like that. We don’t. But because they let me in when no one else did. Oh my god, did they let me in! I don’t know what I would have done without that Toebes family. I really don’t.
It’s been about a year since I wrote a letter to no one in particular about Steve. A year since I felt like it was appropriate to publicly talk about him. It probably wasn’t. But I felt like my voice needed to be heard too, I guess.
This year has been nothing but short of impossible to get through. But I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ve gained a new outlook on things. Along with 50 pounds and chipped teeth from the constant grinding and clenching. But I can still see the light. I wish he had seen it too.
I’m healing. It’s slow. But I am. I try to be my own sun and moon now. Focus on myself again and be my own light. But there’s always a little darkness that follows me around.
His name is Steve.
