🦋 This been in my mind a lot : reader been kinda new on the group of friends and its always trying to talk to cal but his answers are short, doesnt seen to want to be cloest or try to avoid her. She thinks is cause hes shy, but he seems fine when he talks to the others. Later find out is cause he likes her but doesnt want to fall in love.
In my country its still 31 july so its not too late for requests lol
A/N: uuuuh yes
Call it What You Want (c.h)
Pairing: Calum Hood x Fem! Reader
Warning: Angst. Mentions of alcohol. Creeps. Language.
Remember that Reblogs, Likes, Comments and Likes are super important and they help so much 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨
You would like to think that you’re a friendly person. When you first came to L. A a few months ago to start working for a P.R company you’ve met some incredible people that quickly adopted you in their friend group and invited you to several hangouts and small trips around the state. You always had a great time with them and they made you feel safe and loved, but there was only one problem that had a name and a face.
Calum Hood always prided himself on having many friends in which he could confide, always the friendly type and excited to meet new people. However, with you, he was different and not necessarily the good kind of different.
Every time that you were in a room together he managed to stay completely out of your way and at the other side of the room, talking to anyone that wasn’t talking to you. If you were sitting in a group, he would barely even look at you, let alone talk to you. He would interrupt your conversations and talk to the other person pretending you weren’t even there. And it hurt.
It hurt to see him talk to anyone but you. It hurt to feel so unwanted on his part while the rest of the group seemed to enjoy your company and made you feel like one of them. It hurt to see your other friends defend you, sometimes in front of you or behind your back, but Calum always dismissed it, never once showing regret or at least that he cared for what he was doing.
Yet, your eyes always seemed to find him in the crowd and he was already looking at you with a stone-cold glare and a tense jaw. But he will never come forward to talk to you. And even though you tried several times to establish at least a decent conversation with him, it seemed nearly impossible; his words, always short and unreactive, made you wonder if you ever did something wrong for him to hate you that much.
“He doesn’t hate you” Luke attempted after another failed attempt to get him to talk to you.
You were standing with Luke and his girl, talking about the new album and what they were planning to do with the first single when Calum came and interrupted your conversation to ask Luke something. And while he didn’t know the answer, you did. But when you told him he just looked at you, nodded, and walked away; making you press your lips into a thin line as you stared down at your drink.
“Doesn’t seem like it” You sighed “And I can’t guess what I did wrong for him to treat me like that. Did I ever say anything inappropriate or offensive? I swear I didn’t mean to-”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, I promise” Luke tried to comfort you “I don’t know what’s wrong with him lately”
“It’s not lately. It’s just with me. He has no problem talking to anyone; you, the others, even new people that we’ve never met before! I’m the problem and I know I probably shouldn’t take this personally because no one has to like me but,” You sighed “If I understood why then maybe it’ll be easier to ignore it or try to make it right”
“Y/N-”
“I’m going to get another drink”
You walked away without saying another word. This stupid silent treatment you were getting was getting ridiculous at this point. Yes, he was able to tolerate you enough to let you hang out with his friends, but he has never made an attempt to get to know you and decided to hate you on the spot. Now, how is that fair?
And yes, maybe you were taking this a little bit too personal and maybe you were exaggerating. Still, that doesn’t give him the right to keep treating you like that. To your knowledge, you did nothing to him and this whole situation was wearing you down.
You walked into the kitchen and berlinés straight to where the drinks were set up. You grabbed the nearest vodka and started to pour and mix it with a Sprite, hoping that the drink could make you a bit more at ease after everything.
“Hey, beautiful” A male’s voice said next to you as you took your first sip. “I haven’t seen you around here before, are you friends with Michael?”
You turned and looked at him with a not-so-friendly face but the guy didn’t even bother to notice your discomfort. He stood there grinning at you, looking up and down your body like you were prey.
“Yes,” You said, not wanting to engage in anything longer than that as you rolled your eyes and kept drinking.
“Really? I wonder why he never mentioned such a beauty like you before” Ugh “Tell me, doll. Are you here by yourself?”
“No”
“No? Then where is that boyfriend of yours? I don’t see him” He insisted, leaning closer each time you would take a step back.
“Then I should leave”
Your entire body was screaming with discomfort but this guy wasn’t going to budge as he tried to get a hold of you by grabbing you by the waist.
“Ah, C'mon! We are barely getting started here!” He tried to pull you closer to him but you were pushing him away “Just wanna talk, that’s all”
By this point, you were trying with all your might to get out of his grip “No! Let me go!”
But before you could start to punch the guy, you felt how his hands slipped off your body and you were suddenly set free.
You looked up and had to blink a couple of times to grasp what was going on: Calum had the creep pressed to the nearest wall, practically lifting him from the floor as he grabbed onto his shirt.
“The lady said no” Calum said lowly “And I would recommend for you to listen before you get knocked to the ground, you hear me?” The man nodded and Calum put him down again “Now, leave this party before I tell Michael to call the police to escort you out”
The man didn’t think twice before bolting towards the door, leaving you and Calum alone in the kitchen.
You stood there dumbfounded as you couldn’t believe what just happened. Calum stood a few meters away with his back facing you as he clenched and unclenched his fist, almost as if he was trying to calm down.
“Cal?”
You wanted to ask if he was okay. To thank him for defending you. But when he turned around his eyes were still cold as ice.
“Are you okay?” He asked dryly.
“Y-yes”
Calum nodded, and you thought you saw a glimpse of doubt run through his eyes, debating on whether he should say something else or not.
In the end, he said nothing as he just walked away.
And you don’t know what happened. If it was the alcohol or the adrenaline or how tired you were of this situation, but you ended up following him through the party. You wanted answers and you were going to get them.
“Calum!” You called for him over the music, not caring who saw. But he kept going “Calum, wait!”
You followed him through the crowd, pushing your way out until you could keep up with him until you saw him open a door and get inside a room. You looked over to see if anyone was paying attention and before you could think it through, you opened the door as well.
“For fucks’ sake can I get a little privacy?” Calum’s voice was heard all over the dark room.
You squinted your eyes, trying to get used to the darkness when Calum turned on the switch, making you flinch at the sudden brightness.
Michael’s little studio was a common hangout when you were in smaller groups. You played video games there and whenever the guys needed an opinion concerning the band’s music or publicity, they would always end up here. Now, why would Calum want to come here in the middle of a party?
“What do you want?” He said dryly, not even looking at you as he picked up his bass and sat down on the couch.
You looked at him quizzically, taken aback by his sudden aggressive tone when not even five minutes ago he was helping you deal with a douche.
“I- I just wanted to say thank you” You stuttered, feeling a bit intimidated “For what you did back there”
“It was nothing”
“It meant something to me”
His hard eyes matched his tone as he lifted his gaze for just a moment before going back to play with some chords, completely disregarding you.
“If that’s all” He sighed annoyed “Then you can leave”
“Wait, that’s it?!” You asked, getting angrier by the second at his attitude “You’re just going back to being an asshole again?”
“You’re the one interrupting my peace and quiet” Calum snapped, his eyes landing hard on yours as his voice cut like steel “I came here to be alone, not to be followed by someone who had nothing interesting to say, if someone’s the asshole here then it’s not me. So go bother someone else, I have nothing to say to you”
You could feel every inch of your body tremble, covered in goosebumps as you clenched your fists to your sides; the anger was overpowering you.
“That’s the fucking problem! You never talk to me! You only talk to the others even if I’m right there next to them. Not even a fucking hello!” You started to yell, completely fed up with his attitude “And it’s not like you don’t know I’m there or you forget I’m even a person. You straight-up ignore me and make me feel like I’m some worthless piece of shit because you don’t even care about being at least civil with me to acknowledge that I’m there.
I had it with your fucking pretentious, selective attitude. We have the same friends, we hang around each other all the time but I can count with one hand the times you said more than three words to me without sounding like you were being punished for it. Can you even imagine how much it hurts to be pushed to the side like that? To have someone interrupt your conversation like you don’t matter? Cause I do, and it fucking sucks. Even more when the person that’s doing the damage doesn’t even care that you’re hurting.
And the worst part is that I have no fucking clue about what I did wrong! Whatever I did or didn’t do, does it get to the point where you have to hate me for it? Because I don’t think I deserve to be treated that way, but you make me think that I do and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not welcomed wherever you go. So, is it me, Calum? Why do you hate me so much?” Yet, he didn’t answer as his eyes were glued to the floor to avoid your tear-filled gaze. You chuckled humorlessly “Figured. How dumb was I to think that you could even dignify me with a response”
You turned around and wiped a couple of angry tears that spilled down your cheeks. You walked to the door, deciding it would be best to leave for tonight and just figure out what to do next. You didn’t want to leave the group, but you knew that if they had to choose between you and Calum, there was no way you'd even be considered as an option. Besides, after spilling your guts like that, who says he’s not going to hate you even more?
You put your hand in the handle and twisted it, but nothing happened. Frustrated, you tried again more forcefully, but the damn thing wouldn’t budge.
“Fuck,” You hissed after a couple more tries, but the handle was stuck and the door didn’t move an inch. You were trapped in Michael’s studio. You were trapped with the person who hated you most.
Calum’s head snapped when he heard the teary curses that you let out under your breath. He saw the way your body tensed as you fought with the door and how it wasn’t working no matter how hard you tried.
“Y/N?” He asked in a small voice, but you just ignored him as you banged on the door as hard as you could.
“Help!” You yelled “I’m trapped in here! Help!”
Your voice was starting to strain as the tears came rolling down with more force. And in a matter of seconds, Calum got up to try and help you.
“Y/N! This room is soundproof!” He reminded you “They won’t hear you”
Calum walked over to the door and you got yourself out of the way as he tried to open it. You wrapped your arms around yourself, sniffing softly as you watch him fight with the handle and then start kicking the door to no avail.
The beating of your heart seemed like it was hurting your chest with how fast it went. Your breathing got short and quick as you tried to remind yourself to keep calm and that everything will be fine. The grip in your arms tightened as you sunk your nails into your skin, hoping that it could ground you as the kicks and punches Calum gave to the door became louder and stronger.
“Fuck!” He shouted, making you flinch “I’ll have to call Michael and tell him that- Hey, hey, hey, hey Y/N. Are you okay?”
His eyes widened in panic when he noticed you cramped into a corner, slowly falling to the ground as your knees gave out with every small cry and lack of air. He could tell the first signs of a panic attack, so he wasted no time as he kneeled in front of you, breaking your grip on your arms to replace it with his hands.
“Okay, look at me, Y/N,” He said as calmly as he could “Look at me and try to breathe with me, alright? We are not going to stay here forever, but I need you to breathe, okay? Good”
Softly, he started to run his calloused hands up and down your arms, inhaling and exhaling with every movement. You tried to follow, but your breaths were short and shaky at the beginning and you worried that this was doing more harm than good. But when you heard his voice softly calling for you and praising you with every deep breath, you felt yourself becoming more at ease with your own fear.
“That’s good, just a couple more, yeah?” He nodded “You’re okay. You’re okay, just one more deep breath and you’ll be fine. You’re doing so good, you’ll be fine”
You looked up at him with red, puffy eyes, noticing how close his face was to yours and how he didn’t seem to mind it. Calum then stopped the movements in your arms when he noticed your breathing going back to normal and that’s when he found you already looking at him with doe eyes and he couldn’t help but to glance down at your lips for just a second before coming back up.
He parted his lips, ready to say something, anything. But when he caught a glimpse of the anger hiding behind y/e/c eyes he thought that you might not want to hear it anyways. So he just swallowed his words and stood up, leaving you sitting on the floor.
“I-” He said, clearing his throat as he pulled out his phone from the back of his jeans “I’m going to call Michael, let him know that we’re in here”
You watched as he walked to the middle of the room and waited for Michael to pick up, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to another when he didn’t answer the first time, or the second time, or the third time…
“Shit!” Calum muttered under his breath as he started to aggressively type a message for the group chat.
“Michael’s the DJ, he probably doesn’t even have his phone with him and the others won’t hear it over the music” You reason in a quiet voice, lowering your gaze and missing the way Calum looked at you.
“What if you try to call someone else that could give us the key and-”
You shook your head “I left my phone in the kitchen…”
Calum groaned as he threw his phone on the couch “Fucking great! Just what I fucking needed!” He yelled, making you flinch.
“I’m sorry”
Your shaky voice made Calum turn around immediately, his face completely falling when he saw your trembling lip, the feeling of guilt consumed him.
“Fuck, Y/N. I didn’t mean-”
“You did” You deadpanned “I know you did and it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to be trapped with me either if I was you. I’ll be out of your way once we get out of here, I promise I won’t bother you anymore. It’s not worth it”
You brought your knees to your chest and hid your face in them, not to cry but to try and escape this situation for just a little bit, knowing that there might not be a happy ending once the night is over and you don’t want to anger Calum any more. Not that you were scared of him, on the contrary, he’s helped you twice tonight and you were grateful for that; but you don’t want to give him another reason to treat you like he has.
Calum’s shoulders fell defeatedly as the lump in his throat grew heavy. He didn’t mean it like that, he didn’t mean any of this to happen and he knows he’s gone too far and he’s afraid he might never come back from it.
But what could he say? He can’t turn back time and tell you the truth from the beginning, he can’t undo the hurt he created. All the words he wished to say now live in a forgotten limbo where they have nowhere else to go, wasted and dull by now.
All the memories came rushing into his mind and he can’t help but feel like a complete asshole. All the times that he ignored you, the times in which he bluntly left the room the moment you walked in, the harsh words he spoke… How was that fair to you? Even if he thought you wouldn’t notice or that you wouldn’t care, he should’ve never done it.
“You don’t bother me” He mumbled, staring at his feet and taking a deep breath before he lifted his head to look at you “You don’t”
“That’s not what you said twenty minutes ago”
“I didn’t mean it” He offered with a small voice as he fidgeted with his fingers, looking like a child that’s just been caught doing something he shouldn’t. You rolled your eyes at him “I’m sorry”
“Whatever” You sighed.
“I mean it” He tried again, but you wouldn’t look at him “Y/N, please. I’m really sorry-”
“And why should I believe you?”
That comment threw Calum a few steps back, not because of what you said but how you said it. Your words were harsh, but not loud enough so they could reverberate all over the room, and the disappointment you held in them was what got to him the most.
“Calum, it’s been months with that behavior, and not once have you shown any kind of regret. Or show any kind of respect towards me, so why should I believe what you’re saying now?”
“Because I’m telling the truth, Y/N. And I know that might mean nothing now but I swear I’m being honest” He ran his fingers through his hair, debating whether or not he should come closer to you “Look, I truly am sorry for everything I did. I know I fucked up and there is no excuse for that, especially when I didn’t mean it like that. I swear I didn’t mean for it to go this far and-”
“Wait, what?” You asked, suddenly getting up from your spot on the floor “You didn’t mean what exactly?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” He blurted out, surprising both you and him alike, but he continued “I never meant to hurt you like that. It’s just- It was an unconscious thing that became conscious later on and I couldn’t stop it. And I thought it didn’t matter to you that much so I kept doing it for selfish reasons but I swear it was not my intention to hurt you or to make you cry. But I did hurt you and I’m sorry”
“What do you mean with “unconscious thing”?”
He was so close you could even see the nervousness and doubt behind his eyes, yet his silence seemed to get louder with each passing second. So you just shook your head and turned your back on him, but before you could even move you felt a grip on your hand tugging you back towards him.
“The day we met you were wearing jeans and a white Poison shirt” He started, looking up from the floor to meet your eyes “You were talking to Ashton about how you just moved here and how excited you were about the opportunity you were given. And you smiled at him - You smiled at him and that’s when I knew that if you ever smiled at me like that I would be a lost cause”
You were left speechless at this new information. The fact that he remembered the day you met was something you weren’t expecting, but did he remember what happened afterward?
“It was - I didn’t need to think that through, I just knew. And for the life of me, I can’t remember why when you came by to say hi I just left the room, and when the guys came to talk to me about it I didn’t know what to say. I seldom know what to say when you’re around.
I thought it was just something spontaneous, something that was maybe too overwhelming for me to face at that moment, and that I’ll be fine the next time I see you. But it kept happening. Every time you were near I just closed off for some reason. And then you kept showing up and making friends with my friends so easily and it was frustrating, I was frustrated with myself.
They kept asking me about it, and I never knew what to say. I never did understand it because part of me wants to get to know you, and be with you and laugh with you… Yet another part of me simply rejects that idea because it doesn’t sound real. Because how could someone like you ever be with someone like me? And I started to resent that idea, thinking that the less I interact with you, then the easiest it would be not to get my hopes up for something out of my reach. So the unconscious thing became conscious as I tried to protect myself from the hypotheticals, having to calm myself down after every interaction because I couldn’t just stop feeling and now I realized how stupid that sounds and that I should’ve known better.
But believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you. If I’m being honest I never thought you would care but that’s still not an excuse. And- I tried to let this go, but it never seemed to work. You still pull me in with such force I cannot explain because this has never happened before and it scares me. And I’m sorry that me being a coward led you to think I hated you or that you meant nothing to me cause that’s impossible; it’s completely the opposite of how I really feel and I hope you can forgive me”
Calum’s eyes were nothing but honest as he looked at you through his entire monologue, making sure that you understood that every single word he said came from the heart and not a place of malice. Still, you couldn’t shake that knot in your throat.
“So all those months of treating me like I was nobody happened because you were scared you might catch feelings for me?”
Calum was stunned, barely missing the moment when you pulled your hand away from him as you looked at him with utter disbelief and disappointment.
“Y/N-”
“How old are you? 10?! Calum, do you realize how fucked up that is? Have you any idea of how selfish and immature and straight-up cruel that is?”
You felt your eyes water once again, but you refused to let them show. You were furious. Not just because of his attitude and his actions, but also because of how much time the two of you wasted instead of just facing each other. All those opportunities were now gone.
“Y/N, I know this is bad, but-”
“Bad?! I spent months wondering what the hell did I do wrong for you to hate me like that only to find out that you never hated me at all! I put the blame on myself countless times and tried to make things right just for you to still ignore me and make me feel even worse. I wanted to be your friend, Calum. I wanted to have some kind of relationship with you and you never let me. All because you tried to protect your heart. And, if that had never happened, if I ended up having feelings for you as well, how could that ever be bad? What are you so afraid of?”
It was not hypothetical for you. You knew that if he ever gave you the chance you could’ve easily fallen for him. All those months watching from the sidelines how he interacted with the others made you want to know him more. He was funny, smart, and kind to everyone, how could you not like him? Maybe if you liked him less you wouldn’t’ve tried so hard to be friends with him.
“I’m scared of everything when it comes to you,” Calum said, trying to get you to understand his point “You - Fuck, Y/N, you have no idea how many times I tried to stop it because there wasn’t a single moment where I didn’t think about you. And then I saw you with the group every time we hung out and it only made me fall even more. It makes no sense! I know and I know how it sounds and how it looks. But I was so scared that if I let those feelings get out that I might lose you”
“What?!”
“You can’t lose something that you never had!”
“Wow,” You stood there straight, looking directly at the desperate man who tried to make things right by saying the wrong things “Well, guess what, Calum? You lost me without ever having me and you have no one else to blame but yourself”
Calum’s eyes were open wide as they began to crystallize, just now realizing the consequences of his actions. You stood a few meters apart, holding yourself tight around your arms as you fought the feeling of crying in front of him. How could so much damage be created in such a small room?
“Y/N, please. I-” But Calum never got to finish that sentence as the door opened right at that second, revealing a very confused Michael behind it.
“Dude, I got your text,” He said, looking between the two of you “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” You said, wiping a couple of tears that managed to escape “Terrific”
You started to walk away from the mess, but Calum’s voice made you stop “Y/N, wait!”
“No, Calum. I’ve nothing to say to you”
And with that, you exited the room, went to look for your phone, and left the party altogether, not looking back to see if he dared to follow you.
*
The following weekend you were a complete mess, still not recovering from what happened last Saturday night. But you had to keep up with a happy face for it was Ash’s birthday and you didn’t want to miss it, even when you knew Calum would be there as well.
Calum gave you a lot to think about, wondering if maybe you were too harsh on him due to the hurt you felt when you learned the truth behind his actions. It was surely not something you would’ve done, hurting the person you might harvest some feelings for, but his eyes were so honest and clear, and you could tell he was hurting, too. But how can you trust him after something like that? After all, you barely know him and that was nothing but his fault.
With a deep sigh and noticing your drink was empty, you walked over to the open bar, grabbing the nearest bottle of anything you could find and pouring it down your cup.
“Hello,” A voice said behind you, making you stop everything you were doing as you turned back to him.
Calum stood there, dressed in shorts and a white shirt, holding a drink in one hand as he extended the other one to you.
“Calum, what are you doing?” You asked, defeatedly.
“I’m trying to make things right,” He said, looking into your eyes with a pleading stare “Look, I know I fucked up and you didn’t deserve any of that. Believe me, this week’s been killing me as I tried my hardest to not pick up the phone and call you a thousand times to apologize and beg for you to hear me out. I know you won’t, I don’t deserve it, and rightfully so. I can’t undo the past or try to fix it from where we left off, I hurt you too deep to even try that. What I can offer you is a clean start. Start over how we should’ve done - how I should’ve done. Cause you’re pretty amazing, Y/N, and I want to get to know you properly, but only if you let me”
His eyes, once again, were honest as he looked at you. But something else was hiding in them, something that very much looked like hope.
You took a moment to think about it, going over every possibility before letting out a sigh.
“You get one chance, Hood. That’s it”
Calum smiled, relieved and grateful “That’s all I ask, I promise I can make this right” He extended his hand again for you to take “Hi, I’m Calum”
You rolled your eyes playfully as you took it and shook it “Y/N”
“Beautiful” He whispered and you smiled at him, curious and excited for what’s to come.
It’s actually much worse then this. All you need to do is to look at their imdb pages to see that Adele Lim has more credits and experience under her belt then Chiarelli .This is VERY important because the usual excuse when there is a massive difference in salary is that one party is more experience then the other and this is natural to pay them more. And yet here she is the one with more experience and yet with a drastically lower cut. This is both racial and gender discrimination and there is absolutely and utterly no excuse
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