I Just Want To Be Free @aquaticboyalex-blog - Tumblr Blog

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How do you love one person so much, that they are the only thing that matters? How do you love someone so much, just the thought of them makes everything ok. How do you love someone so much, when you see that glimmer in their eyes you just melt. How do you love someone so much...when they dont love you back. And they never will...

Its been nearly 3 years, but I think I found someone again. I hope that things work out.

Finals...they fuck us all over in more ways than one...Stupid finals ruining my plans to spend time with her :/ GODDAMIT

It's almost 3am... And for another consecutive night I can't sleep... Because all I can think about is you...

One thing that really sucks about having depression? Going through it all alone. Everyday I ask myself the same question, do I have the strength to keep going? I'm afraid one day I'll answer NO. And that day seems to be getting closer with each passing moment.

Did some facebook stalking when i got home from work...I just found out the girl im crushing on from 7leaves also works at Disneyland...WTF I am so mind blown...wow...just wow....all of a sudden i am so much more attracted to her now LMFAO

I was just called selfish and bitter because I dont wanna give away me day off on valentine's day for people who do have a bf/gf/wife/husband LMFAO well sorry Im single and dont want to help make your valentine's day better

Just cause I want to relax that day and not work doesnt mean Im bitter

What do I benefit for trading off days with you people?

Am I selfish? I could see why, however when was the last time any of you went out of your way to make me happy? I cant recall so sucks for you losers

Shouldve requested it off, not my problem you have to cancel plans with your SOs

Happy Valentine's Day to me <3

I've reached that point where Im tired of everyone, tired of everything. I just wanna shut away from the world. I just wanna ignore everyone, go to school, go to work, and live completely untouched by the outside world. i just want to be left alone. Ive been let down way too much by the endeavors of others. Im drained and exhausted from others. I dont want to be social anymore.

Some days I like to reach out to others to spend time with them. Some days I just wanna be a hermit and live in the shadows. Its nice I have cookies in my cave lol

So she stood me up tonight. Surprised? Almost not really. 3rd time in a row Ive been stood up by someone. Whats wrong with people. Whats wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me?

One more day...Just one more day till I get to spend an evening with her. Im so excited and nervous at the same time. The anxiety thats been keeping me going during the day and keeping me up at night...its just fun. I hope we have a great time and hopefully itll turn out well enough that I'll ask her on a date for the next week subconsciously knowing she'll say yes. I just cant wait ^_^

She wants to hangout with me. Im so joyful and looking forward to Thursday :D Only problem...I dont know what to do for our hangout O.o....nice and simple or a little cutsey to put it out there that I like her? hmmmmmmmm

Lately these days you people, the ones I should be able to trust with my life. You are the ones I cant talk to anymore, the ones who cant be trusted. You are the ones who at one point meant everything to me, now I mean almost nothing to you. Friendships come an go I suppose. But do they all have to leave at the same time? Vsa has lost its meaning to me, the people I once thought as friends have nearly taken me out of the picture unless they need me for something. The only people I enjoy being around now are just my co-workers. They have become my family. And more importantly they can and are all doing what you all cant. I almost want to say I dont want to see you again, I dont want to talk to you anymore, I dont want to be your friend. But with your actions, I dont even have to do any of thise things. We never see each other, you dont talk to me, I almost dont exist to you. In the end its just me. I was alone while I was a child, and I am alone once more as an adult. I keep telling my family "Im going out with friends" but in actuality Im just going someone just to be out of the house. Because I just want to be completely alone at that point. There are only about 3 of you I can even build the courage to ask to hangout anymore. And those 3 arent even my closest friends. They are all just friendships that are either being repaired or growing. But the people I called my best friends...They dont exist anymore. And now that I really think about it I only had 2 real best friends from the start. One I never see because of distance and our future goals that we desire to accomplish that prevent us from hanging out. And the other...we took a chance. That chance, while worth it at the time is almost not worth it anymore. From always talking and hanging out to the occasional "hi". Its hard. I feel lonely all the time. I just dont want to feel that way anymore. Feeling alone while having trust issues while having depression is never a good concoction. And I dont know what to do to fix it. The 3 people who have abandoned me...I forgave you all, but I will never forget the wrongs you have done to me. Especially you. I trusted you the most. And I did everything I could for our friendship. We were fine until you changed. You found someone else and only put them first. I get it. I was in the honeymoon stage at one point of my life, but never did I ever do anything like you have done. And secretly. As cruel and evil as it may sound. And how it even just kills me inside for even feeling this way. I await the day you 2 break up so that the day you look for me, you will have realized you pushed me away. Our friendship was a rope bridge and what you did was take a lit match to it. It didnt burn down completely. You can still see the remnants of that bridge, but its so damaged and worn that you would have to risk everything to even dare cross it. From day 1 till today, you have been slowly unweaving that bridge. Not once have you tried to repair it. I will never cut down that bridge, but like all the other bridges that I have built with others and have fallen apart. I wont have to cut that bridge, you will do it on your own and when you do. You will just feel as I do now. Alone with falling down a hole with nothing to grab onto. My only reason for still going on? Because there are a few good people out there who want to help me. And as much as they try and fail at least they try. And everytime you say that stupid sentence, "You cant rely on another person to make you happy" You dig that hole deeper. Because you are the hugest bigot when it comes to that. Where were you without me? Where were you before him? You werent alone, you had me to make you happy. Dont ever say that sentence again until you go through what I have! Dont say another person cant make you happy, because without us you wouldve been just as miserable.

My soul purpose is to make others happy. Why cant I find someone who can help make me happy.

That smile I wear...

Its nothing but a mask that hides the true face that I wear. A face that no one bears to look at because they just dont want to have the burden of it existing.

Everyday that goes by will bring me closer to happiness, but how much more despair must I endure before then.

A group of co-workers asked me tonight at our after work hangout at Denny's why I am often pessimistic. I told them, well its because I am broken. And I told them my story.

I was born as a bastard child. I went my whole life never having the love of a father, and always wondering where is he? Even now sometimes I still wonder that. All of schooling years, I was bullied. I had no friends in grade school and very few I can call real friends in high school. Life just kept shitting on me. I've lost many family members. And many of the friends I did have, many of them were lost too. But when it came to it, one giant part of my life caused me to be who I am today. And it was all that happened nearly 2 years ago. Things started off already rough with it falling apart. Literally, the world I knew at that point, fell apart and did no exist anymore. The love of my life at the time left me, I was fired from one of my dream jobs due to the people there, school fell apart, and my family life started to become severely damaged too.

I lost it all all within a span of a few months.

Im picking up the pieces, but losing some on the way. Things are getting better, but they will never be the same again.

I am still very much broken, Ive picked up a lot of my pieces, but the ones Ive lost will impact me the most. I will never be the same again, I will always be so very much damaged, so very broken. Behind this smile I put up, is a cracked face. I will forever be like this. No amount of glue or tape will piece me back together. I am who I am now due to all the damage that has befallen onto me.

I am pessimistic because I see how the world really is. I see how dark and cruel it can and will most definitely be.

The only good thing from this? Once you've hit the very bottom, the only things you can do left are; stay there or move up.

I have done my time staying there, and I will continue to move up. However, I will never stop being as dark as I am now. And I do my very best in hoping no one close to me ever falls below me.

I am a broken man.

"Im tired of being a nobody. But most of all...Im tired of having nobody"

Words that kinda hit home. from Dumb and Dumberer 2

So far so good 2015. Its looking really really good. I cant wait for that date Saturday :D

21 and 25. Is it possible? Will 2015 allow it?

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