Somewhere Far

A tiny bit of space I like to occupied to share my over-flowing thought and rambles

[aquietmorningrambles]

watching the rain

it's not particularly windy, or gloomy, but it really is just one of those days

sitting in bed, cross legged, wearing shirt that's a bit too big, drinking a tea that's a bit too hot

the sky kept changing, blue, navy, grey and orange

everything but sunny, even though the weather forecast clearly said "expect hot and humid!"

but that's okay, I'm also in one of those mood

where everything felt a bit too much and never just right

where I'm craving for something but nothing felt right

maybe I'm missing the days where I'm waking up a thousand miles from home, in a city where nobody knows me

maybe I'm missing stumbling between the crowd, nervously laughing, trying not to get lost

maybe I'm missing when the day felt long, and hopeful, and for myself

not when it's for somebody else, and for "living the way society tells you to"

[aquietmorningrambles]

rainy days

the lackluster feeling I get everytime it's raining is slowly burying me alive

the need to cocoon myself, suffocating myself half to death, praying that whatever it is that's been plaguing my mind could just melt away like a caterpillar in a metamorphosis

it's hard to decipher what I'm feeling, and it's even harder to decipher what I want

ruminating back and forth on thought that have be catalogue front to back, like an overly anxious librarian

I remember seeing somewhere, that I'm not supposed to intellectualizing all of my feeling, that I'm supposed to feel

but how could I? when the first time I feel like this, I stared blankly at the bathroom wall under the showers. Hoping the water clear my head, and everything that's not supposed to be there

dissociating it's what I do best, but also what I need to do less

[dramaism]

Mom, the one who saved me when I had the accident... Do you remember his or her name?

[lunchboxpoems]

MEGHAN O’ROURKE

[aquietmorningrambles]

noisy conversation (with myself) after too much crying

high school is such a formative year for me

a blurry memories but impactful nonetheless

i feel like “person number 3” for all those years

unwanted, easily forgotten

i don’t really understand if there’s a connection between

a lonely child playing all by herself, wondering when will her parent be back

a list of choices, which never included her

or the stubborness of consuming only comforting media with trope such as “i choose you” and “found family”

i wish high school was not a formative year for me

i wish i grew up to be happy, the kind of happy where you can peel back the layer

the kind of happy that you could see

the kind of happy when you feel empty, you could merely fill it back up

but i feel like there’s too much glass

and many are broken

or missing

sometimes too big, sometimes too small

something there’s nothing

i wish being happy is easy, effortless

i wish high school was not a formative year for me

[aquietmorningrambles]

meeting you (but not long enough)

Can't seem to express how grateful I am to have him by my side The constant reassurance that he's giving me, about myself, my study, our relationship and everything in between How easy he makes it seems, to always be there for me, emotionally and physically, whenever I need him And how sure he is, of me, of every little flaw that I like to nitpick The constant mental battle that I like to have when I'm being particularly insecure or needy or exhausted, it all went away as easy as it came A constant tide, ebbing gently Rewiring the mess that's my head, flowing neatly Oh how I wish being with you is not an occasion, where planning is involved, and promises, and tickets I wish it's as easy as opening a door and saying "I'm home"

[aquietmorningrambles]

rainy afternoon with you

The slow trickling rain relentlessly pouring A gentle melody accompanying our conversation "we know each other for way too long, yet it still feel like the first few day of knowing you. Happy, giddy, cheeky. I still love spending time with you, just being with you" Isn't that the beauty of our relationship? There's still lots of quirks to discovered, inside jokes to be made, fights to be had (hopefully not too much) Our chapters is long, but still far from ending (hopefully a new chapter soon tho) We will make hundred more, memories and stories and everything in between A giant blanket made from intertwined feelings, gently wrapping

[aquietmorningrambles]

too much coffee

Oh how I always forgot how much I hate the buzz that coffee would give me

The kind of buzz you feel when you're in the bathroom of some random party, the music drowning your sobbing but not enough

The kind of buzz you feel when it's late enough you should be home and tucked in but inside you're taking a drag in an alleyway you avoid in the morning

Numbingly exhausting, buzzing with everything on the inside yet standing still on the outside

I should've gone from some tea

A hot green tea, without sugar, and a bit too much water

The temperature just enough to warm my heart

A bit bitter, snapping me awake from whatever it is I'm currently concocting inside

Dragging me out, gently, from the bottom of uncoordinated head

[aquietmorningrambles]

a home with you

When the sky starts to darken and the hue turned blue and purple,

So does my heart, brewing a concoction of fear, anxiety and loneliness 

The way I can feel it shrinking with every minute pass

I wish the day would go a little bit slower, the earth would spinning just a little bit less

It's scary being alone, and its even scarier when you're used to not being alone

Sometimes I resent the way I feel when I'm with you

Content, happy and utterly blissful

Because when you're back, working, at the end of the world, and I'm back, studying, at the other end of the world

It felt like all of those fuzzy feelings was ripped out and burned to the ground

A cycle that kept repeating everytime you left

Well, not entirely true

I'm being a little bit dramatic to be honest, but my heart still hurt nonetheless 

And maybe, today, it hurt a bit more

Cause I caught a glimpse of our future, and I can't help but think, oh how delightful it is when we're finally together at our home

[aquietmorningrambles]

morning affair

Cheeks stiff from too much laughing,

Never ending conversations about everything and anything,

The constant touching of your fingers, hands, neck and face

A comfortable nook where I'm unafraid to be myself, forgetting the burden of responsibility just for a bit

Can't seem to stop the time from ticking,

Or the the sun from setting

Even though I know it's a pause and not a stop,

My heart still feels like it's being pricked, slightly, with a dull needle

Uncomfortable, annoying,

But that's okay, there's no real scar, just an irritating sensation that would go away with time

Maybe tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or next week,

Or whenever you're back in my arms

[aquietmorningrambles]

awake but not quite

It's 10 and I still couldn't sleep

Your flight is tomorrow and I wish that I'm not here

Looking at our pictures just hours before

I wish I'm with you, catching our breath after struggling to close our suitcase

Maybe we're going back to your place, you're working and I'm, doing something?

Or maybe we're going on a vacation, the splurging kind we both deserve

The kind where we both turned off our phone and not think about anything beside each other, isn’t that nice?

But I’m here, alone, weirdly caffeinated 

And at time like this, when I'm alone and being needlessly insecure, I found myself thinking "what if he's bored with me?"

Of me being needy, or stubborn, or childish, or just being me

But after spending most of the day with you in silent (or another kind of sound) or discussing random things such as

"if we work in NASA, who do you think is the astronaut, me? You?"

I can honestly say I can't picture us being bored with each other (at least, for me, I hope you do too)

Comfortable, that's the right word

And longing, that's the word for now

[aquietmorningrambles]

daydreaming

A bit more hectic than before, but everything is still within reason

I can still handle everything just fine

Things to do, people to meet

Exhausting, a bit annoying to be honest, but I've done it

And when everything settled, at the end of the week, a particularly quite Saturday to be exact

I started thinking

Isn't it nice if you're close? We could go somewhere a bit nice today

Maybe wake up early, catch the sunrise while we drive around

Eating breakfast at somewhere familiar, a plate for two if you're not too hungry (which, I doubt)

Driving back home, laying lazily in front of the television, procrastinating taking a bath just because

Eventually caving in and taking a bath, longer than we've anticipated cause "how about a bubble bath?" and "how about we turn on the netflix and watch it while we soak a bit?"

And when we're finished, we're hungry (again) and can't be bothered to cook

Driving (again) somewhere new, and maybe a bit too fancy for our liking 

And when we're home, everything's dark and quiet and a bit too chilly, we'll change our clothes and scoot too close to each other

Quite a nice plan isn't it?

[aquietmorningrambles]

a day with you

A bit too moody for my liking, that's what I think when I see myself reflected in your eyes

"nonsense" you said, indifferently

The incoherent part of me like to argue, but the rest knows the truth

I know you a bit too well and knowing when you're lying is something I pick up early on

I don't know if its the inherent need to touch something familiar when I'm anxious (anxiously checking the exact minutes you have to fly back)

or

I just can't be bothered to conjure any sensible sentences for the time being (aka no talk just touch)

Moody and touchy, and still, refusing to part

We've been together longer that I've been alone today, yet I still wish it was longer

I wish I could hold your hand while I'm laying down, while you rub my back slowly

I wish I could scoot too close for comfort, too hot to keep up because of the way the weather is but still doing it anyway

I wish I could feel and hear your heartbeat, the rhythmic change that I cause ever so suddenly

I know we will met again soon but I can't help it

Stubbornly saying yes to everything, just for a chance to be together one second more

What should I do to stop myself from counting the days when I can see you again?

[aquietmorningrambles]

a Monday's blues

In the midst of everything

The turbulent way the days kept spinning

The suffocating voices that kept on whispering

And the never ending choices I've yet to make

I feel like I need you closer (now)

Not in a way that I can't do this alone

But in a way that, I'm better when I'm not alone

Well, especially when I'm with you

I wish I'm made of everything that's right with the world

Maybe everyone would stop and look and listen

But I'm made of all the things I've earned and built

Of all the time I have to make choices, of all the time I have to grow more that I would like

I'm grateful yet burdened, tangled mess that I would like to untangle bit by bit

Maybe in a cozy Sunday afternoon over a glass of tea, with you

But it's okay, I'll be fine, I always am

I'm just missing you a bit more than usual, that's all

[aquietmorningrambles]

a weekend trip (to you)

I couldn't help but noticed how awfully quite my room is after spending the weekend with you

Or how awfully cold I set the air condition

Or how awfully big my bed is (kind of)

It was just us two, in a normal sized room, but it felt like we're on our little corner in this world

Laughter (and moaning, but shush) filled our time, quiet giggle and the occasional scream, talking in whisper and maybe a bit to loud for anyone else hearing

It was always too cold to be completely honest, but I like how warm you are, and how easy I could say "it's too cold, scoot closer", closing the nonexistent gap between us, smothering you with kisses just because I can

And the bed was always too big but you're always an inch away from falling, your favorite saying being "could you move back a bit?", grumpily moving away to make room for you even though you're the one who pull me back when I'm trying to move (well, just when you're asleep)

I'm missing our mundane weekend, hoping that it become a routine rather than an occasion

But for now, I'm just replaying our memories from the weekend to get me through another week, cheers

[aquietmorningrambles]

missing the familiar feeling of you

Feeling awfully lonely, the warmth of others felt foreign

Like an exchange student first night abroad, surrounded by "family" yet unknown

I want to run and skip and swim and maybe even fall, just to see you

The night sky looks cold and uninviting, yet eerily familiar

You're looking at the same sky right? Or you're inside, thinking about me too

I'm not one to be overly clingy, and anxious, and maybe a tad too moody for my liking

But maybe it's the way our world seems to go, a bit too far for my comfort, that's making me restless

I wish you're here, the weight of your body familiar on me, grounding

I wish you're with me, our fingers intertwined while my thumb rubbing gently

I wish the world would slow down, and maybe would shrink down, closing the distance between us

Why make it an ocean that I need to cross when it could be a quite little neighbourhood where I could just jump over?

[aquietmorningrambles]

Casually

The ups and downs of life, ever changing and unsteady, most of the time

I feel like a broken cassette, repeating the same concerns, the same arguments

And yet, you, constant and steady

Rewinding and rearranging everything, just a casual evening isn't it darling?