hello tumblr, it has been awhile noone reads my blog, which is why i'm writing this if you have an inkling to turn your head away from this post because you don't want to let a wisp of negativity or pity permeate your browsing mood membrane, turn away now anxiety attacks suck, and especially when they happen in public. i'm not sure why they happen to me, or why they happen so randomly, or why it feels like the dead are trying to snatch my soul away from me, but they happen to me. today i'm on my way to get dinner and drinks with a friend, walking through a transfer station, when it hits me: i can't see anything. with this realization the first drop of fear hits the bottom of the bucket with a resonating thud. is it happening again? i act as if i should be ignoring something but i don't know what i should be ignoring. a couple minutes pass in the span of a couple seconds while i loop through a process in my head: calm down, you won't die. people are around, you can't die. it's just anxiety, it won't kill you. oh, it is anxiety. is it anxiety? calm down, whatever it is it won't kill you. it's not even painful. it's just fear. you won't die. but i still can't see properly. my body starts feeling lighter, as if someone is stealing the property of mass from my being. a large fan blows underneath my stomach and i feel like i'm constantly being lifted upward and reset to my position like some kind of glitchy rendering problem. i am scared now. i catch and inkling of something, like impending-doom-fear and life-being-threatened fear at the same time. but it starts small, like a little bubble. i catch wind of it and try to ignore. it's just anxiety and it can't kill me. my entire consciousness is stuck in the centre of my head now. as i'm stuck thinking about what to make of this feeling, it expands. i am scared now. an entity beyond my understanding is trying to take me back, because i fucked up somewhere and made a mistake. i am in the middle of a crowded subway station. i want to text someone, but blood is rushing into my arms and it hurts. my phone will probably freeze like last time anyway. it's just anxiety, it won't kill you. but why can't i breathe anymore? if i stop breathing i will die. the bubble has expanded and is pressing against the edges of my insides. i am suddenly looking through a small tube at myself from the back. my limbs are made of air, mist. i try to focus on standing and feeling the ground, but it doesn't feel like its there. i stumble and my fears are confirmed. my heart is bea ting extremely fast. i try to clutch it but my hand passes through my chest and i do another motion glitch. my heart beats faster. i must be approaching something terrible. i'm going to die th is time, in this crowde d subway. i would ask someone for help but i know its all in my head and i deserve to die alone, in front of eve ryone. i hope they think im pitiful. i have no idea wh ere in spa ce i am now, i only k now that the sound and poun d ing my heart are taking up all the a va ilable space i occupy. i'm being split in two. i'm aware that this is all happening and panicking at the same time, trying to breathe. i imagine that from the outside i must look like someone who's seen a ghost. im freezing too. heart rate increased again, but nothing has happened. someone must be fucking with me. i have to stand against a wall or else i'm going to keel over. breathe/ please. open your mouth. my throat is blocked. i can't breathe, i can't see. holy f u c k please breathe. i can't move. i am dying in the most pitiful way. my mind is wrecking itself because i am fucking terrible. i swear to god it feels like someone is trying to remove me from this 3D plane and place me somewhere else. it's really loud and my heart beat is making my whole body shake. i get a breath in. it overwhelms my vision and light flashes from behind my eyes. someone asks me if i'm okay. i can't respond because i don't even know where they are. i am being physically removed from the world and my body and mind are fighting against it, flaring up survival signals because they know its happening. i try to move my arms and luckily they comply, so i hug myself. its over, and i catch myself in the middle of a daydream. i was in my room at home, looking out of the window at my shed in the backyard. my mom said our house needs repairs. i told her i would get enough money so she could move. i stand up. i think its been about two or three minutes. i didn't die. i knew i wouldn't anyway. it's just an anxiety attack.
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