Acceso @arcaneskiess - Tumblr Blog

“You can love someone so much… But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”

-John Green, An Abundance of Katherines

Today was a major anxiety/depression day. Probably the worst it’s been in a while. Legitimately thought I was going to have a panic attack at work.

Rationally I know if I can move into my new apartment and make it through the next two weeks of work without falling on my face then I’ll be ok but my mind likes to doubt that.

I just have these repetitive thoughts. “What if this place is like all the rest. I’m so exhausted. What if you are really the problem. It’s you not them. Why does everything hurt inside and out. It’s never going to get better. You are alone. What if this is all life is. Why do you keep trying. Just give up. Give in. Let go. Just stop.”

Days like these I always find myself drifting back to the same part of a Neil Hilborn poem...

“I know, I do, that I feel this way now and I will not feel this way soon. I know that the aphorisms, even if I hate them, are right.

This, too, shall pass - blah blah, darkest - blah blah - dawn,

And I know, it's rude to leave your messes for someone else but consider also that I'm a mess, and I make people deal with me pretty constantly.

Consider that most of every day is me crying alone in a car or bedroom over nothing... Goddamn nothing, and consider this is supposed to get better as I get older and it's getting worse. No one warned me that I would just get more anxious.

Consider the future, and how I've seen it

And maybe it's not worth seeing again.”