I refuse to let the masculinity of others define mine.
I have spent much of my life in "feminine spaces" as a cisman. I grew up in a matriarch and have two very independent sisters. My father intentionally gave space from his kids to not pass on harmful behaviors, potentially some of those being toxic masculinity. Much of who I am is attested to the values and norms I grew to embrace, but much of which lacks the masculine structure I have had to learn.
Coming to terms with "the man's world" has been tricky. I never feel enough of one thing or another, but I also believe that's part of the queer experience. I've had women tell me they'd want their men different from me....but why should I care? Men tell me that I'm too quiet or don't lift enough. Why should I care?
The hard truth of the matter is to an extent, I need to care. I am so starved for community, and to spend every waking day fighting every privileged shit brain I come across would be way too much for me.
It sucks because at the end of the day, all I want is a good faith friendship, with girls, guys, gays, and theys. I'm so well intended and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I cannot tolerate the expectation that you must be abhorrently irreverent to prove your masculinity. And what's crazy is some things that I thought were positive regardless of gender, such as hospitality, consideration, and respect, those end up being my biggest drawbacks in the face of dick measuring (metaphorically).
The thing I didn't expect with age was how much more difficult it would become to get by. I guess with time, men are meant to grow hardened by the world. The machismo, rugged apathy that comes with patriarchy is placed upon you even more as you appear in the fold of a true man.
The tension I feel is in my heart. To progress, we need to make bridges between different people, even if they don't want to listen. I'm trying to find that balance between constructing the bridge and not getting trampled in the process.
