āHeed my advice: Donāt reveal what you feel at any time.ā
ć ā ćĀ Ā Hazu wishes that he could say thatās bad adviceā¦ and it probably is, but itās also something that heās been attempting to use since as long as he can remember. Maybe it comes with the territory of experiencing negative feelings over and over and over in rapid succession. Fear and anxiety and pain and doubtā all sorts of terrors, both internal and external, weaved into the fabric of who he is. No matter how hard he tries to sink into the background or pretend to be anything different. Not that itās ALL bad. Unfortunately, the good tends to arise more easily when heās alone. No longer at the mercy of the infestation of people that makes up humanity.
Not that HEāD ever consider people an infestationā¦ but his ingrained instincts beg to differ.
It would be nice if, for once, Hazu could be spared the humiliation of wearing his heart on his sleeve as blatantly as the clip he wears in his hair.Ā āĀ ā¦ Would you believe me if I said thatās what Iām trying to do?Ā āĀ Hazu awkwardly replies, unsure whether heās trying to make a joke to lighten the pathetic statement. Rubbing his arm, gaze is focused on the ground, taking note of the way light reflects off the smooth surface.Ā āĀ Whenever I try to disguise what Iām feeling, people always see through me. Which, I- I guess makes senseā¦ Because Iām, yāknowā¦ not very good at it.Ā āĀ Already fumbling over his words, hands move to grip the end of his sweater, pale-knuckled hold yet another tell-tale sign of shame.Ā
āĀ I just- I get soā¦ so nervous. Or- or scaredā¦ orā¦. sometimes Iām so- ā¦ I just- I feel things so intensely. Sometimes, itās like Iām drowning. And- and when I drown, I flail and I canāt stop andā¦ and I donāt want people to know but they DO and that makes me feel even more awkward and I- ā¦ Iā¦. Iām sorry.Ā āĀ He doesnāt know why heās saying all this. Itās not like itās any of Kaitoās burden to bear. Wiping at his eyes, he internally curses at the stinging he feels blurring his vision,Ā āĀ Itās- Itās not a big dealā¦ Itās- ā¦. Itās not all bad, honestly.Ā āĀ Ā
āĀ I canāt help but show when others make me happyā¦ and- that can make other people happy, right? Knowing that- they helpedā¦ thatā¦ they matter. Even if itās to someone like me.Ā āĀ All Hazu wants is to feel like he matters. Like heās USEFUL. Important in someoneās life, even if itās only for a few brief moments. Being happy, spreading that to othersā¦ thatās one emotion that Hazu canāt imagine would be better kept to ones-self.Ā Ā ć ā ćĀ
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