the space between

a thirty year old living in a midwestern city - working through the space between.

[archivetilt-blog]

#Omaha #Nebraska

[sunst0ne]

[francounamerican]

Milwaukee Wisconsin

[archivetilt-blog]

keeper.

some of you may, or may not, know that i'm certified to teach yoga, and i ran a small studio for a short period of time. having a full time marketing job at the same time made running a studio that wasn't very profitable nearly impossible.

with that said, yoga is still incredibly important to me, and i like to take classes as often as i can. i'm more of a student than a teacher anyway.

i've never...never...dated anyone who would even consider taking a yoga class with me. whether i taught it or not. i date guys who are interested in bands, bars and whiskey. not self-improvement and fitness.

RW grew up taking martial arts, so he has a good understanding of mind/body philosophies, and experience in meditation and stretching. i casually threw it out there that we should take a yoga class together. and he actually said yes.

so this saturday morning, we're going to be taking a class together, and i'm ecstatic of his open-mindedness and his regard for something that's not only incredibly important to me, but also a huge part of who i am.

[archivetilt-blog]

i think i got a little tipsy this weekend and told RW that i am falling for him.

[archivetilt-blog]

also,

this is going to sound sort of vague. because it is.

i have co-workers who are almost irritatingly excited about every little detail about my relationship. conversely, there are important people in my life who i wish would be just a little excited for me. i feel weird offering up information about my relationship if it isn't directly asked for. so i share nothing which i think gives them the impression i'm not really into it.

i think that might be something that's holding me back from going head first into this...because the people closest to me aren't at all excited for me. or interested in even hearing about it.

[archivetilt-blog]

exhaling.

we're more playful via text, now that we know each other's tone, and it's sometimes funny, sometimes sweet.

we're not afraid to be cheesy about how much he loves that his pillow smells like me after i spend the night, or how much i love that he tells me those things.

it's weird if we go a day without texting or being in some form of communication with each other.

he adores me, and he makes that clear. i've laid many of my perceived flaws on the table, and he doesn't flinch. he usually smiles at me, and kisses my face.

he rubs my feet after a night out in heels. he knows how uncomfortable my feet are, and he knows i wore them because he likes them.

he's consistently thinking of me; making sure i have creamer for my coffee in case i might stay the night sometime soon, and buying me Red Hot because i put it on a lot of things.

he told me how much he wants to do nothing with me...he wants to put his nose in a book while i paint. he wants the ordinary day to day with me.

he holds my hand or puts his hand on my back when we're out. it makes me feel like he's proud of me and he's making sure everyone knows i'm his.

as hesitant as i am to go there, i really am his. aside from ryan gosling looks, i can't ask for anything else in a man.

[emilythouugh]

[-revive]

favorite

[4mbivalent-deactivated20130424]

“Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.”

Julia Quinn, Romancing Mister Bridgerton (via darlingjustbehuman)

[thevirtualtypewriter]

[illaqueated]

87/365 - Drops Of Jupiter

a letter to myself and anyone else that might need it

[archivetilt-blog]

giovannibolivar replied to your post: long time, no see

have you ever heard ryan adams song “if i am a stranger”? if not you may find it relatable. the acoustic version he played on letterman is the best one. hope everything works out - seems like you’re both solid people.

thank you so much for your comment, and thoughtful reply. i don't have an opportunity at the moment to check out the song, but i looked up the lyrics and i can definitely see how they relate. i really appreciate your well wishes and the best i can do is give you an internet *hug* but you definitely deserve a real one :)

for my other followers:

"If I Am A Stranger"

For all the hours here that move too slow There's all this letting go, that don't pass If all this love is real, how will we know? If we're only scared of losing it, how will it last? If I am a stranger now to you I will always be, I will always be Stronger now then me, stronger then you Our love will always be And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you If I can, what if I can't? Today is yesterday when you don't know How to rebuild the walls that someone has knocked down To tell the truth it's hard enough about a lover Who you want to hide your darkness from So they won't let you down If I am a stranger now to you I will always be, I will always be Stronger now then me, stronger then you Our love will always be And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you I will try and be there for you If I can, what if I can't? For all the hours here that move to slow There's all this letting go, that won't pass If all this love is real, how will we know? And if were only scared of losing it, how will it last? If I am a stranger now to you I will always be, I will always be Stronger now then me, stronger than you Our love will always be If we let it go, I will try to be there for you I will try to be there for you I will try to be there for you If I can, what if I can't?

[archivetilt-blog]

long time, no see

the last post i wrote, calling out every little flaw he has and making issues larger than they actually were, was sort of uncalled for, and a product of fear and anxiety.

we're both a little scared and a little hesitant, and it creates double guessing and over thinking on both sides. we talked about that weekend and it was fine. everything was back to normal. i needed him to explain some things, and i needed to get some things out. nothing was worth breaking up with him over, and we've been fine ever since. we talked about things easily, and like grown ups. he listened and contributed to the conversation which is a change of pace for me.

i'm continually dealing with a tennis match in my head, going back and forth between his flaws or things that make him imperfect [therefore undesirable], and the list of things that make him a great guy and actually very good for me.

i'm also not sure if i have the capacity to love someone any more, which i'm sure i've said before. i'm not sure if i've been emotionally beat down too many times to remember what it feels like. i have been opening up to him more than i have with anyone else as of late, and i think i could love him, but i feel like there's so much about him that i don't know. but then again, maybe that's the fear talking.

it's so hard to maintain the level-headed, down-to-earth facade i've so carefully constructed...with everyone around me.

[archivetilt-blog]

contradictory mail

what i put in the mail today:

the three pieces of mail that i received which were addressed to my ex, with "return to sender" written on them.

a vintage pop art postcard, addressed to RW, with a sweet John Green quote on it from "The Fault in Our Stars".

(he hasn't read that book yet, so i've boughten him a copy and will be bringing it for him on friday. he should then receive the postcard on saturday.)

[creduli]

[sunbeamdaydreams-deactivated202]

Yes, I was infatuated with you; I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my minds, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those.

The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath (via darlingjustbehuman)

[archivetilt-blog]

return to sender [lost puppy syndrome]

a while back, i had received some mail addressed to my ex. it looks like unpaid parking tickets. i wrote "return to sender" on the envelope and put it back in the mailbox.

i received three more last week. they are currently sitting on my desk at home. i just can't help but feel like i need to take care of him...again [or still?]. i spent four years reminding him to pay his parking tickets, and renew his license plates, and take care of every other adult responsibility the rest of us can manage on our own.

these letters are a reminder that someone isn't looking after him the way i did. he doesn't deserve me telling him about these letters, but i do still love him. and i don't want to see him fuck up. because what's going to happen is that he'll be out drinking at the bar, drive home, get pulled over for unpaid parking tickets, get another DUI and go to jail. all because he didn't pay his damn parking tickets.

it's in my best interest to keep my distance from him, so they will be returned to sender once more.