Top 10 Mistakes NVC Beginners Make
by Jonah Richman
While my love for Nonviolent Communication is great, I am well aware that there are many people who are not quite as appreciative of it as I am. I have even seen people who seemed down right angry and never wanted to hear it spoken again. I believe that this anger is due to what I am going to call “mistakes NVC beginners make." I have come up with 10 that I have both noticed in others and experienced myself. I have also added a suggestion following each one, which I hope helps to replace what are common annoyances with what I experience as the beauty of Nonviolent Communication.
1. “Using NVC" on those not familiar with it.
2. Teaching people NVC when they don’t want to be taught.
Have you ever heard a friend say they “felt betrayed" and then decided to enlighten them to the fact that “betrayed" is not actually a feeling? Or maybe you’ve said “You are just telling me what you think. You need to tell me your feelings and needs?". And then found that the person got angry and defensive. This one mistake I have seen completely ruin NVC for people. I have a friend who met someone who had just learned NVC years in the past and has felt disgusted by it ever since. If you are new to NVC and excited to share it, instead of teaching people in the heat of an argument how they should talk differently, ask them during a more peaceful moment if they are interested to hear about it.
3. Giving empathy with resentment.
When I first started learning NVC people would start talking about their problems and I would get annoyed by their judgmental language. I dealt with it by trying to empathize with them. While I believe empathy can be really supportive when someone is upset, I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. I felt resentful because I was thinking this person should talk the way I do. I think one of the most important things a lot of NVC beginners need to work on is how to see the beauty in how others speak, even if it is different and sounds judgmental. I like to try and notice moments when people speak in ways that I would not consider NVC and it still creates a sense of warmth and connection. This help remind me that NVC isn't the one and only path to peace, but is just a tool that I personally happen to really like.
4. Thinking people will do what you want because you told them your needs. Just hearing your needs does not mean everyone will do what you ask. It may support them in understanding your situation and wanting to support you but if your request appears to conflict with their needs they may still say no. See if the person is open to exploring why they are saying no.
5. Hating yourself because you judged someone.
Has someone gotten triggered after you judged them and then you got upset with yourself because you “knew better"? I am pretty sure that everyone who practices NVC slips and passes judgments of others many many times. My suggestion in these moments is to give yourself empathy. Not just to feel more compassionate towards yourself but to practice being able to name your own needs, which will support a sense of empowerment. Find the needs that you didn’t meet by saying the judgement, such as care for others. Then find the needs you were trying to me when you said the judgement, possibly authenticity and/or self respect. Think of some ways you could have spoken differently that would have included all of these needs.
6. Hating yourself because you thought judgments about someone.
Have you decided to go on a mission to rid your thoughts of judgement? I highly suggest you abandon this path. We were trained from childhood to think in terms of judgements. While science tells is that are brains have plasticity, trying to change them by getting upset with it for doing what it was trained to do doesn't help anything. Instead it has really helped me to think of judgmental thoughts not as enemies to get rid of but the keys to deeper connection with myself. My suggestion is to get into the habit, and by habit I mean doing it as often as you can, of asking yourself what are the feelings and needs behind the judgements you have. For example, I often judge parents as being "too hard on their kids". I translate this to "I am feeling sad because I really want all kids to experience a sense of freedom and joy." I usually feel a little better inside after rephrasing it this way. I am also more prepared to express myself clearly if I choose to, since I have already found the language that touched my heart.
7. Expecting people to say yes because you spent so much time making sure the request was “doable".
I highly encourage people to take the time to craft requests that are “doable" such as “would you be willing to do the dishes after dinner?", as opposed to vague requests like “would you be willing to be more helpful?". This idea of doability though can sometimes lead people to expect that the person should say yes. This is similar to number 3. Making the request doable may increase the likelihood they will say yes but there is still the possibility that the request conflict with their needs. See if they are open to taking the time to explore why they are saying “no". Then rethink your request to include their needs as well.
8. Thinking that you can get all your needs met all the time.
I know it is a bummer but you probably are not going to be able to get your needs met all the time. My suggestion is to practice sitting with your pain. We are vulnerable creatures. The practice of sitting and experiencing the pain of unmet needs can hugely support our sense of compassion for the pain in others and can also can increase our awareness and appreciation of the times when needs are being met.
9. Thinking NVC is just a conflict resolution tool.
If you view NVC as just a conflict resolution tool then I am so excited to tell you that NVC offers so much more. One example is the Mourning, Healing, and Reconsiliation process which is a powerful method for healing from traumatic experiences, especially those that involved someone else. Another is the practice of self empathy. In times when we notice ourselves overwhelmed or frustrated, self empathy is very helpful in promoting self compassion and inner clarity.
10. Only focusing on needs not met.
Focusing on your needs that are not met is great for moving forward and being authentic, but it is also nice to celebrate what you already have. Take time everyday to notice the things you enjoyed and see if you can name some needs that we’re met in those moments. Also try appreciating people’s actions more often. My girlfriend and I recently began a practice of telling each other one appreciation every evening. Even on days I didn’t enjoy much it was nice to spend this time focusing on what she did that contributed to me. In general even on our worst days there are needs being met, we just need to try a little harder to recognizing them.