self-hate.
I’m sure a lot of people don’t know what they’re going to be when they grow up. They could be thinking of becoming a doctor, a business man, an artist.. idk just someone important who can contribute to our society. As for me well I’m stuck. I know that because I am too afraid of taking chances and failing. I’ve come up with a lot of excuses and reasons to why I shouldn’t go back to school even though I kind of miss the experience. Like I’ve loans to pay.. there’s my phone bills too and visa to pay off, I’m needed at work and I’d like to work as much as possible in case the airline I work for decides to go on it’s own because who wouldn’t want flight benefits and better pay? but why does that matter, really.. I mean the only way I could get a better paying job in the first place is to go back to school and do some more studying right? So what’s really stopping me? I don’t know.. unmotivated? not having much financial support? discouraged? laziness? maybe I just need more time to figure out what I want to do...? Ugh. Lame excuses. I know. Fuck. So stupid. So lazy. So stubborn. I need some major growing up to do. I already know the outcome of this pointless blog.. hate to admit it but that’s all true. Yes, I’m lazy as fuck when it comes to these things and of course I wouldn’t know what i’m passionate about or even know what works for me if I’m not willing to learn something new. I can always drop everything and start new right? I mean what’s another $10-20k student loan eh? or at least improvise and make do.. I’m just stuck. I don’t know where this is going anymore. I feel like a pessimist right now just downing myself more, thinking I won’t get any close to a decent job that not only I would be proud of but my parents too. I fucking need my priorities and life straightened out because I fucking know for a fact that I’ll have a ton of regrets one day and remember all these time I’ve wasted when I could’ve been doing something productive.
Even with all that said. I do work hard not only cause I have bills to pay but also because I love my job, the people I work with and some of the people I’ve met through working in this industry. But It’s not enough and I’d like to do something amazingly life changing and better myself. To challenge myself. To make difficult decisions. To take chances. To conquer my fears and overcome my insecurities. To make a lot of mistakes and learn from them. To make not only myself proud but also my parents. To be independent. And to take this “self-hate” to “self-love.”
I need a wake up call.
Good fucking night.
