Ariexel

[ariexel]

I'll move the mountains, bring you the moon, count the stars

i'll do all of that,

yet it's all in vain

still can't hear you say

"stay

stay here with me."

tell me that and i'll be yours,

but only if you would say it

and not whisper it,

like you so knowingly do.

[ariexel]

alone

drove you home, left myself behind

took a part of me with you

i'll get it back tomorrow

but then you look so sweet, laughing in the sun

that i give all my parts to you

just to keep seeing you smile

with me on your mind.

[ariexel]

is it real is it not,

it's all in my mind,

then you hold me so tight

but then so you do with her

cherry red, black makeup, dark clothes

i am bright orange, pink on lips, white shoes

who am i, if not the one you run to?

[ariexel]

only stares, only drunk touches

but never words, never sober meanings

only maybe, only i think

but never i know, never i want

only second best, never first choice

never the sure one,

always behind, holding the camera

[ariexel]

please be nothing.

do nothing.

stop doing something and do nothing.

doing anything is easy.

but nothing? doing nothing is a demand.

it demands you to do nothing. it eats you alive and lets you rott in your bed. because you are doing nothing.

it empties your brains out and fills it back with your hands, and your hands are brains and your feet are theet and your theet are toes. because you aren't doing anything.

you are doing nothing.

and please be a nobody.

do not have a body. exist, yet be a nobody. let yourself be known but you have to be a nobody.

because being somebody? that's subjective. that's easy. being somebody is being anything. some. you breath and you are some. but being nobody you have to perfect not breathing. not thinking. not feeling, not touching, not eating, not imagining, not seeing, not responding. not having a body. you die, yet you don't.

because you don't have a body.

you are a nobody.

[ariexel]

I tried to avoid it.

I really tired.

but 

sometimes, something, somewhere says no.

so I stop.

and wait patiently,  wait for the next hit , and I wait for it. I wait to see how many more I can take.

I wait, wait, wait and wait.

until 

sometimes, something, somewhere says no.

so it stops.

and wait patiently, wait for the next hit, and I wait for it. But it never comes.

I breath, breath, breath and breath.

[ariexel]

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT

..just fuck it all

fuck all this shit , fuck this life exactly in its ass, because I am absolutely done living it. I am absolutely done living it the way it wants to be lived and just shut the fuck up and let me be,  let me have the life I want IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLME THAT I GOT THE LIVE THAT I DID

I just want to survive at this point.             am I really asking  so much of you, life?

god-… 

no.

no, fuck that actually ‘cause there is no god. there is no god that I believe in, that would approve of the horrors I did. of the horrors that he witnessed I did and still did nothing

because…. because what the fuck? What the fuck is this joke? you want me to believe in this, this… make-believe god and pray to it? And then go home and act like- like everything is sweet as honey? like I don’t just want to fucking sleep, and like I don’t feel how hands keep grabbing at my throat and how, how-… how I never realized how lonely I was, how it’s literally just me against this jackass you call god and its mighty plan?

I just… how the fuck did I never realized it?

how the fuck did I never see it go the way it did?

how did I never saw that 7 year old, sobbing alone in it’s bed at night because fucking, fucking life decided that “yeah. you will have to go against all the horrors you can, because what? because someone has to take the hit, right?”, and so I just.. cried. cried my shit out and then woke up and pretended like the universe did me a favor, I went to school listened to that fucking bitch tell me about some stupid shit that I won’t remember anyway. I went in that place and regurgitated so much information back that I thought my teeth would fall off.

then I went home and cried, and trembled, and shook, and screamed until every voice in my head would hear me… but in silence. I did all this in silence because guess the fuck up? little goody-two-shoes can’t do all this.

how did I never see that little child turn into the shit that it did? turn into me.

into a mess who doesn’t know if they really want to die, or they have thought about it so much that it became a second-skin, death.

into something that can’t be thankful for anything but at the same time cries it’s heart out when someone so much as looks at me?

I am still shaking, and trembling ,and crying but this time not with dissatisfaction like I used to, fuck no, now I scream with anger and ignorance and sorrow for what it could’ve been but it never was because-

because I was the child of god.

the chosen one.

the chosen one to take the fall so everybody-fucking-else could live without ever… ever hurting. So I was forsake from the beginning. I never had a real shot at being a human.

So fuck this shit, and fuck all the sleepless nights and all the times that my mind asked for a cigarette when it couldn’t deal with my emotions, even though you only started smoking 2 months ago, and how many times I thought about getting drunk (even though I never did) because I couldn’t suffer my thoughts anymore. fuck the times when everything I could do was romanticize my life, because otherwise I would need so see the truth and I would crumble.

Fuck all the people who think I do all this (bad habits) for attention because no.. no, fuck, shit it’s either all this or fucking death

please, whoever is listening,

 I am drowning.

drowning, drowning, drowning

until my feet touch the fire.

[ariexel]

work in progress

[ariexel]

another thing that I drew

[ariexel]

something i drew

[ariexel]

Why do we fear death so much? We keep agonizing over it, asking wheter it will hurt or not , trying to avoid it but…

I belive death is the strongest drug there is.

Because how could it not be? Knowing that any second we’ll be gone, far away from everything.

Far away from house, from the Sundays spent in bed, the sunlight touching us with care, away from the strolls in the woods, trees overwhelming us with their peace.

Away from the rush of life, the gentle coldness from the melted ice cream on your hand.

Away from everything we know and everything we wonder, away from the mysteries that scrape our brains at night. Far away from never imagined dreams and never opened books.

Far away from love and tragedy, from the numbness of an autumn morning.

Haw can you not miss this?Yearn for this days and yearn for the ones that will come?

Knowing that all this can be gone, maddens me, the unfairness of life, the agony that living can be taken away from me. That my experiences and my days are at another’s man hands makes me scream.

To scream away the nights that made me cry because how could I’ve been so stupid? To waste them over forgotten tears, leaving a mark on my bed.

Knowing death, makes me want to do something. Makes me want to climb the mountains and swim the oceans, to chipp away at every shell there is and watch any star that we know of.

How could we fear death, when that’s what gives us life?

[ariexel]

Forgotten garden

She pulled me in,

A snake in the night

coming my way with malice

on her fangs,

made me feel

the world on my skin,

kissed me

With her gun at my head

And I smiled,

I smiled at her eyes

Knowing there was no bullet.

Beautiful, you tried

To kill me with your chemicals,

But darling, my lips

Are poisoned,

Kiss me and you’ll see

the hell I can bring you

Let me touch

Your bones, with my knife

Don’t hide behind your skin

Show me your scars

Let’s dance

In the forgotten garden,

A mistaken waltz

Between me and your hands,

Weeds grow on our bodies

Like a snake in the night,

You came

And bite me

But darling, my hands burn.

[ariexel]

I define myself by the way others describe me, so when no one is talking I cease to exist.

That’s why I love silence.

It’s gives me a fake death that warms my blood and calms my brain.

[ariexel]

so this whole russia-ukraine thingy going on really brought a lot of things up

(first of all before i begin, i am romaninan and i live kinda close to the ukrainian border so I am not mocking this war it is happening and it’a fucking ridiculous and in no way am I supporting it and I do think it’s amazing how much support ukraine has gotten)

from my experience before the war, in most non-european people’s minds (i am looking at americans) romania, ukraine belarus and russia where all the same shit

Went to america everybody thought I was speaking russian (romanian is a latin laguage and it’s very different from russian but non-the-less LET’s say people are not used to hearing them) and when I said i was from romania they said “oh russia”

no.

it’a amazing to see that nobody cared to make the distinction between this (slavic/latin) countries before and now everybody knows everything about everyone

and sadly i am 100% fully convinced that if the war stopped right now in 2 months we’d be back to square one where ukraine=romania=russia=belarus

sure it’s amazing how much awareness it’s brought over it but please people do your reaserch or hear actually researched people talk about ukraine and it’s history

and the my-first-war-kinda-nervous joke is fucking bullshit, I’m not even living there and I’m scared shitless just when I hear a plane, my parents grew up in communism and i have an idea what it fucking is like and i do not wish for anybody to go trough that, including people in ukraine (yea i am aware that russia has changed in the past 30 years but communis is communism no matter how much you try to hide it or change its name)

second- i think people do not understand that there are people in russia who just didn’t know this was happening like- sure there was like this exclusive group of people(rich, popular celebrities) but common people thought ukraine was waiting happily for russia to come (because that’s what the goverment told them and again- communism, oppresion), so please think twice before acussing people

when you spread mis information or read it you are not helping you are standing in the way of this world to ever be “normal” (whatever the fuck that means) ever again

[ariexel]

I could

I could talk about

all the things I see in you

And the way your presence

Grows a weed around my neck,

Taking away my breath

The flutter in your eyes,

When the sun bathes you in gold

And the way my fingers shake

When you walk next to me,

Touching but never lasting

And the ocean that floods

Your eyes when you smile

And the little tears that escape,

When the moon isn’t shining anymore

The way my heart breaks

When there are clouds above your head,

And the way my heart flutters

When you smile,

But I won’t tell you all this

Because I’m just another page

in your book

Some words a stranger left,

So I’ll write this to you

To remember of me

Between foggy memories

[ariexel]

Fear

“do you love me?”

would it be so wrong if I did?

Would it be so wrong

if your laugh

echoed in my head,

a lovely song

which makes me stumble?

that if you looked at me,

beneath gentle lashes,

the oceans in my soul

would clash

agains my chest

and flood my ribcage

with rotten butterflies?

when your gentle hand

scrapes agains my hip

and it burns off my skin,

revealing my muddy insides?

whould it be so wrong

If I screamed when you’re away

and sang lullabies when you’re near?

“do you love me?”

I fear I do.

[ariexel]

Lilacs

There will be a time.

there will be a time, when we will talk again,

and we’ll have a conversation in your bed, reminiscing nights like this spent years ago

between ruffled sheets and feather pillows

there will be a time, when you will look me in the eyes without feeling dread and regret.

there will be a time, when the goodbyes won’t linger on our tongues so much anymore

But between this moment and that expectation, there’s a blank page in the story of our life.

Forgotten words.

Where you won’t be in my book anymore, and nor will I in yours.

But that’s beautiful.

Because, after all this time spent apart, we’ll meet again,on a rainy thursday, at the corner flowershop.

We’ll wave at each other.

And no longer see pain.

But until then,

I give you this lilac

To remember of me.