Oh boy do I have a story to tell you guys. I dont usually do this but god damn this shit writes itself.
Okay so as most of you know, I live in Venezuela, where recently, the president (dictator), Hugo Chavez, recently died. Now, say what you will about him, personally I’ve seen him done fucking nothing but harm to this country, but he has a frightening cult following that I guess kept him in power. Every day, from my apartment, I can hear them in the barrio blasting out songs from rap to church music about how Chavez is the eternal comrade of the peoples and he’ll live in our hearts forever. Now, I dont really keep up with the politics here since I’m hoping to get out of here next year, but with re elections coming up, the current president, Nicolas Maduro, is running up against Capriles Radonski, a relatively younger candidate that my uncle went to school with apparently, and as far as I know he’s a pretty cool guy, he wants to bring up the arts to take venezuela out of the creative rut it’s in. Now, the big thing here is that Chavez’s party is represented with red, and Capriles’s party with blue.
Now, here’s where our tale begins. Today me and my gramma wanted to go see a movie, she wanted to see life of pi, I wanted to see the new oz movie. So we dressed in blue and got outside to catch a bus. However, we’d forgotten that today, the red party had set up a campaign protest to convince people to vote for Maduro… by blocking off most roads in the city and hijacking buses? Still, me and my gramma did catch a bus. What followed was a fucking misadventure if I ever had one.
Inside the bus was basically pairlament, on one side of the bus were chavists, on the other, radonski supporters and people who just wanted to go out. me and my gramma sat there, and while I didnt really say anything, my gramma went to town. The roads were blocked off by protestors. The thing is, I always thought Chavez had most of his support from old rednecks, since he did show support to that social class the most.. However, there was an alarming amount of young people, even people who looked my age. You could hear that crazy Chavez Church music in the distance, and my gramma got fresh at one of the protestors by sticking her head out and saying “CHAVEZ IS DEAD AND HE’S IN HELL, DEAL WITH IT”.
We promptly left the vehicle before half of the bus could fucking incinerate her with anger and butthurt. At that point we decided to head back home, but there was the problem.
We were in the middle of a strange part of town known to be rampant with crime, in the full heat of a chavist protest, with no sense of direction, AND WE WERE WEARING BLUE, THE COLOR GUARANTEED TO HAVE US BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE CALLING US COUNTRY HATING AMERICAN LOVING SPIES. So what did we do? Well, we took off our shirts, went around topless for a moment, and then grabbed the nearby pro chavist shirts to cammouflage with the enemy… and oh, what sights we did behold.
Remember how they hijacked a few buses? well, they’d repurposed them into full on battletanks. google an ork wartrukk, that’s a pretty accurate description. on the side was graffiti telling capriles that he’s a dead man, on the front, just an undescribeable hunk of metal. it had been painted with pictures of chavez and “el pueblo” (the people). inside, countless chavists, some with guns, others with party favors. hooked to the back were wagons with fucking rock bands blasting that Chavez Church music to the point where you could not hear anyone say anything, not even the huge crowd screaming. they were flanked by legions of motorcyclists. In Venezuela, Motorcyclists and Motorcyclist gangs are a big problem, bikers have been known to just attack people on highways if you so much as scratch them by accident, and it’s a generally very popular method of transportation since it’s discrete enough to get by the mazelike barrios. they had ladies in red bootypants shaking their butts all over the place, which I wont complain about. However, I felt bad when I saw this one petite asian lady who was foreign, I think, not wearing any colors, getting nudged into one of those buses. I think it’s safe to say some berserk shit happened inside. It reminded me of the time I was on a bus and this big greasy looking guy sat next to a little girl and I overheard him whisper “remember, a deal is a deal, you owe me gurl”, and I got off the bus with a really awful feeling.
Now, while this is happening, the barrio itself was FILTHY, there were rivers of much and garbage and shit everywhere. I was wearing sandals so I had to do some frogger shit to get by, while helping my gramma cross the street with a bunch of mad bikers everywhere. she was basically telling me how she was acting high and mighty in the safety of that bus and now she was shitting herself. The protest reached a point where it could not be contained, and we were just being swept along this fucking sea of chavists, going through the motions, eating the complimentary doritos and soda in absolute terror of this fucking horde. I’m not gonna lie, on one hand, I was scared shitless and thought I wasnt gonna make it home tonight, on the other, I was fucking ready to go home and tell this and embelish the fuck out of it.
We’d been asking for directions from several people, this skinny mechanic with a missing arm (missing limbs and the homeless are really common here) this big fat pimp guy that looked like he should be in mad world, and eventually we found where we needed to go.
Now, in venezuela we have several rivers within the city of caracas, rivers that mix in with the sewers. They’re essentially a flood of shit, piss, garbage, blood, and who knows what else. The largest, the rio guaire, is the one I live closest to. I gotta tell you, it’s a sight to behold, a sad one, since Venezuela can be an absolutely beautiful place, the fauna, the lovely diverse architecture, it’s not all bad. There’s a reason the place I live in is called paradise, I guess.
But the area we were in was called “puente hierro”, iron bridge. I’ve known this for the longest time, but I never knew WHY. until today. now, I’m just embelishing for the sake of telling a neat story, but there it was, a fucking huge rickety metal bridge hanging precariously over the river of shit, piss, blood, and who knows what else. buses were a ridin, the wind was a blowin, and the crowds were a shovin, and the entire time, my gramma kept me close and yelled to me, that THIS is Venezuela, and that the sooner I get out, the better, she told me to never EVER return to this forsaken land. at this point thunder and lightning should have been roaring in the skies, and they might as well have, for all I knew I was basically escaping mordor: warhammer 40k edition.
However, through wit and will, we escaped the dark lands of Iron Bridge. We came to the familiar site of the plaza we live next to, and went to buy groceries. It was a surreal feeling. there, sitting with a dog, a husky, was this beat up dude wearing blue. he had blood coming down his eye and was applying ice to a wound on his arm. He was just there, philosophising about the state of the country, of how fanaticism shouldnt run rampant, how both sides need to be equally judged without “el pueblo” turning their livelihoods into a riot. and there, right next to him, was the cashier, and I kid you not, the guy looked like hussie, dead on, the sweet succulent lips, the shady facial hair, the deep hazy eyes. It was as if I’d entered some sort of dream.
And then we went home and left the whole thing behind us. I’m sitting here drinking a carton of ice tea, typing this out. All I can say is this:
Kids, stay the hell out of Venezuela this shit is cray cray