Ace and Aro Positivity

This is a positivity blog for all ace-spec and aro-spec people, questioning a-specs, and allies. Absolutely zero dis/////course and no hate of any kind will be tolerated. Questions relating to orientation/gender are always welcome. If you would like something to be tagged, please just send an ask. Before you interact Tag system Other good a-spec blogs

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I’m pleasantly surprised to see the writers of Disenchanted make their main character wlw in this latest season. It will be interesting to see just how much they’ll be willing to play with that going forward. 

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Reminder that I am still looking for a second mod for this blog. If you’re some form of both aro and ace and would be okay with checking the inbox and maybe making an original post two or three times a week, send me a message! 

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Hanukkah flags w/ a Hanukkah pattern for anon

Rainbow | Lesbian | Gay

Bi | NB | Trans

Aro | Pan | Ace

[aroacepositivityplace]

hi! i’m the questioning genderfluid anon.

thank you so so much for your response and support. this is the first time i’m questioning my gender (after i JUST figured out my sexuality for now lmao), and it’s just been..... a whole thing. lol.

i was wondering if the term demigenderfluid exists? i was kinda playing around with what my experience of gender is in my head, and because i feel my gender moves between female and nonbinary to a smallish-but-significant-enough-degree-that-i-pick-up-on-it-but-wouldn’t-change-anything-in-accordance-like-pronouns-or-clothing-or-makeup-etc (idk maybe makeup) i kinda just came up with that term, but wasn’t sure if that was already a thing or meant something different. does this term even make sense? is it like invalidating a genderfluid experience? should i just stick with genderfluid lmao

i’m sorry if this is a really stupid question, my brain is a bit overwhelmed with all of this

seriously, thank you so much for allowing me to talk to you. i feel like i can’t talk about this with my parents, as they’re already the “‘aromantic’ and ‘asexual’ put you into a box with the lABeL and you shouldn’t do that!!! you might fall in love!!!” types. 🙄 sooooo, yeah, thank you 🙏

Hello! 

I’m happy to help you, anon. Like you said, it is a whole thing and you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. None of your questions are stupid. This isn’t exactly an easy topic to navigate.

I googled what you’re describing and apparently, enough people feel similarly that there’s a wiki page. Regardless, you aren’t invalidating anybody else by putting words to your experiences. 

https://gender.wikia.org/wiki/Demifluid

I’m sorry your parents aren’t more supportive. Maybe they’ll come around in the future. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

i am so sick of romantic relationships. i am close with my sister, and she recently(ish) got into a relationship. she’s been pulling further and further away from me, talking to me less, generally being less interested in what’s happening in my life — but she apparently has no limit when it comes to telling me how “hot” her girlfriend is. she’s almost always talking about her, and ALWAYS facetimes her when i’m present. i’m at the beach now, and i just want to spend time with her, and she has almost done nothing but facetime her girlfriend. it fucking sucks. i just want to be with my sister. not my sister and her girlfriend. her girlfriend is like taking over her life, and i am so sick of hearing about it, i’m sick of seeing it, i’m sick of it. i’m done. but of course i can’t tell her any of this as i’ll seem unsupportive. but as an aro person who longs for a romantic relationship but knows, knows, it will never work, i really don’t know how much more of this i can take. she’s facetiming her girlfriend now as i’m sitting alone in the same room with her. i feel so, so alone.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, anon. It absolutely sucks when the people we’re close to start to prioritize other relationships, especially when they decide the time they will spend with you is for talking almost exclusively about their romantic life. 

Maybe it would help to get somebody else on your side and then talk to your sister about this, like a parent, other sibling, or mutual friend. That way, it will come across less like you having a personal issue and more like her letting the other people in her life feel unimportant. 

If this isn’t possible, I still think it’s important for the two of you to have an honest talk. You not liking that all your sister’s time is being taken up by her girlfriend isn’t being unsupportive, and neither is them facetiming when the two of you are supposed to be spending time together.

If it’s anything, this level of infatuation doesn’t tend to last very long. They’ll start seeing one another as actual people instead of idealized versions and largely return to how they used to be. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

Anybody interested in playing Among Us? I finally got the switch version. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

Thanks for everybody’s usual patience in me getting to my inbox. My goal is to get it completely cleaned out and answered by xmas.

[aroacepositivityplace]

Big Mouth was EXTREMELY hit and miss with its lgbtqiap+ content last season, but it does feel like the writing room actually asked a trans person about what their experiences were like while creating a trans character. Likewise, the ordeal of coming as gay out to an unsupportive parent was handled with a lot of grace. The show definitely has its problematic elements and the raunchy, gross-out humor isn’t for everyone, but it is nice to see show creators that are willing to learn and improve. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

PLEASE keep wearing your masks and for PETE’S SAKE wear it properly over your nose! 

[aroacepositivityplace]

I’m 17F aroace, and I have recently figured out that I have a squish on one of my best friends, and I would love to be in a qpr with her. We’ve been friends since we were in like 2nd grade, and we’ve even talked about dating before, but strictly conceptually and jokingly. But now, it’s not necessarily a joke for me. What’s a bit devastating is we are both starting college next year, I’m hoping to leave the US, and she’s staying local, so even if she should reciprocate my feelings (which I don’t think she does), it’s unrealistic just given our timeline and impending distance between us. 😪😭 And this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about anyone, ever.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation, anon. It’s never fun having unreciprocated feelings for someone. 

At the end of the day, you’re young. The odds of you finding someone else you feel similarly about at some point are high. You being willing to travel so far to pursue you’re education and future says to me that you’re serious about your goals. It might be best that you’re able to focus on your freshman year and not worry about navigating a new QPR. 

I hope the two of you are able to stay friends through everything if that’s what you want. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

okay, so i’m not really sure if this is where i should ask this but here we go: so i am ace/aro, but i’m also questioning if i’m genderfluid... i feel like my internal (idk how to describe it) gender moves from identifying as a female to not wanting to identify as any gender at all. would this count as being genderfluid or something of the sort? if i am genderfluid, do i ever have to come out? or can i like.... just keep it to myself? sorry, this is just a whole new thing for me and i have no one to talk to about it. :(

It’s okay if you want to talk to me about gender stuff. This may be primarily an aro/ace blog, but I myself am trans and 100% okay with talking about lgbtqiap+ stuff in general. 

To me, what you’re describing definitely sounds like it coincides with being genderfluid.

It’s also your choice whether or not you want to tell people about how you experience gender. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself. You don’t owe other people that sort of information. 

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed with this sort of thing. Realizing you might not be cis comes with an onslaught of feelings and the need for information we don’t tend to have access to in our daily lives. Try to take things slow and remember that who you are is good and normal, even if you’re still learning to put your experiences in words. You aren’t alone in how you’re feeling and there are people who are here to support you. 

I’m here if you want to talk further. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

So I’m arospec and a friend just asked me out. I told them I don’t feel anything romantic really and they said they just wanted to have someone to talk to and be honest with about everything. They also said we can be friends but work towards maybe being in a relationship in the future. I’m okay with this but I’m so scared that I won’t ever feel romance towards them and that I am leading them on. I was really clear with them but still...

That sounds like a tough situation, anon. It’s up to you whether or not this is something you want to pursue. Regardless, you absolutely aren’t leading this person on simply by being yourself and it sounds like they know that. Maybe it would help to talk a bit more about what you both want out of a relationship and then decide if this is something you’d like to try.

[aroacepositivityplace]

Does a person qualify as asexual if they feel sexual "needs" but have no desire to act on them with another person?

I would say that sounds pretty ace. Asexual people can experience any level of libido, there’s just no interest in acting on those feelings with any gender. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

can i still be asexual if i have high libido?

Absolutely! Plenty of aces like to masturbate or have sex on the regular. Action doesn’t equal attraction. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

So... **TW for BDSM mention** I’m someone who has an active lifestyle in k*nk, but I’m only romantically attracted to my partner, nor physically. I like the things we do together because it feels nice, but I don’t look at anyone and think I want to do those things with anyone else. He’s always brought up intimate things first, and I do them because they feel good, and they make him happy. I consider myself ace because of this, but could I be wrong?

None of what you’ve described means you can’t be ace, anon. There are more kinky aces than you might think, myself being one of them. Like you said, kink feels good and doing scenes with a kinky partner can create a sense of sexual excitement that isn’t present through physical attraction. Ace people can enjoy sex, kink, and kinky sex without contradicting themselves. The only thing that matters is that everyone is being safe and enjoying themselves. 

[aroacepositivityplace]

i’m aroace, and i’ve got a really complicated relationship to romance. while romance in movies (USUALLY, sometimes i can get hella triggered) results in an exaggerated eye roll, if i hear love songs or songs about romance, i literally can’t. i’ve heard some random love songs (two are “stand by me” and “diamonds” lmao), and they just make me so upset. i want a romantic relationship in theory only. i know myself, and i will never have one in “real life.” it’s heartbreaking. and a bit odd, it seems, that music should be a trigger of sorts. i was wondering if any other aros have a similar experience?

I don’t think what you’re describing is at all out of the ordinary. I absolutely can’t stand love songs (I swear, if I hear TS’s Love Story over the speakers at work one more time) and haven’t watched a romcom in years. 

It’s okay to feel irked or even triggered by romantic media. It gets old af being made to feel like there’s something wrong with you and/or that you just can’t get away from this obsession everyone else seems to have. 

I also definitely get enjoying the idea of romance, but knowing your needs wouldn’t fit into traditional romantic relationships. 

Just so you hear it from someone, though, there is nothing wrong with you. Who you are is good and normal. You are allowed to have these feelings and they are very much shared by other people like you.

If anybody wants to share their experiences with anon, please add onto this post! 

[aroacepositivityplace]

Hi! I'm ace and maybe arospec. I don't know if anyone has the same experience, but I have a boyfriend. Whom I love differently than how I love my friends. But I am not sure if I want to kiss him? On paper kissing someone to express affections sounds fine to me, but I don't think that is supposed to be the reasoning behind it? And french kissing sounds messier than it's worth??

Hello! It can be awkward navigated physical affection as an a-spec person. Kissing can be weird, with or without tongue. How one feels about it can also really vary depending on how good the other person is at kissing. Regardless, it’s okay to be unsure about the act. Don’t feel rushed to kiss your boyfriend if you aren’t ready. Some people are neutral about kissing, some like it, and others find it gross. Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, it’s important to have an open line of communication with your boyfriend so the two of you can keep one another’s boundaries and desires in mind.