Exposed.

[arschgrobbler]

shit

I'm so messed up. Sht. I always have this sudden mood that I just snap and don't talk to her. It's showing 'cause I wanna be true to her and this mood really reveals itself. It's not helping that I have this burden that's eating me alive. I'm not graduating this term an it hurts. I thought I finished crying over it but I don't think the pain would ever disappesr until I actually graduate. Fuck. Everyone's expecting me to graduate. Everyone's waiting for me and I don't want to let them down again. I already did countless times and those days broke me. I wanted to die at that time. I thought I got past that phase but it's coming back. I just want to sink. I want to just disappear. I don't want to deal with everyone being disappointed in me. I don't want to deal with the fact that I's be thinking about this all summer, the whole term. Not being sure if I'll ever graduate. Thinking that it was indeed my fault and I can't do anything about it now. I just don't to be any part of this misery. Fuck.

[arschgrobbler]

We’re in kind of a rut and I feel sad and frustrated for making her feel that way. Idk how to be better but I want to be better at handling our relationship. I love her. I want to make things work but being honest with my feelings made her feel more hurt. god. Can I be more stupid? Could I have said what I said better? I wish I could fix this with her. I love her so much. I don’t want to lose her. 

[arschgrobbler]

You

You make me feel safe. You make me feel like I don't need to pretend. I don't think I need to impress you to get you and feels so good. It feels so good being with you. It feels so good to have someone appreciate your presence. I'm glad I met you and continued talking to you. I'm happy with what we have right now and I'm sorry for almost ruining it by being insensitive and not knowing what to do with being in a relationship. I'm sorry that I'm not showy. Sorry for disappointing you. I wish I could do better in this relationship thing. I'll try to better at handling this. Just please don't get tired of me, okay? I love you.

[arschgrobbler]

uhm i’m having a convo with someone who also loves avatar and card captor sakura. i mean maybe a lot of people might like these two but still… i’m just amazed by this reminder of you. damn. can u just not. hahahaha :/

[arschgrobbler]

UPDATE: This person is now my girlfriend and I love her. She doesn't realize how much she means to me. She's soft, funny, pretty, and lovable. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like her. I don't want to lose her ever. God. She's amazing. We're both chill and satisfied with simple things. I don't wanna mess things up ever. I don't wanna go a day without being okay with her. Thanks for ghosting me, *toot*. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have met her. Someone who actually appreciates my efforts and understands all my mistakes when it comes to relationships. I love you, babe.

[arschgrobbler]

uhm i’m having a convo with someone who also loves avatar and card captor sakura. i mean maybe a lot of people might like these two but still... i’m just amazed by this reminder of you. damn. can u just not. hahahaha :/

[arschgrobbler]

this again

i'm back in this loop. i miss people. i miss how things are back then. i know i've come a long way from that depressed kid who's internally stressed with all the acads drowning her. that girl who doesn't even know if she'll survive college. and now she's here down on her last 3 terms(hopefully). i guess i just miss the time when i used to always have someone to go to when i'm sad or breaking down. i mean not that i need to break down that much but still, i miss having people i can count on anytime. maybe, the need isn't that much that's why there aren't anyone there to talk to. i just miss being able to just randomly chat someone and say whatever the fuck i feel at the moment. i never thought i'd be this alone on my last few terms. i need to to really focus in my thesis. the only distraction left for me that matters most in this college life.

[arschgrobbler]

i hate that even tho i muted u, i still can’t get u out of my system and still sucks that u ghosted me. i know that we were bound to end anyway but still. don’t i deserve THAT talk? don’t i deserve to have that ending speech from you? almost all the new things i experienced these past few months came from you. i came to like them and i associate them with you and i don’t want to because i want to stop thinking of you. god i hate you.

[arschgrobbler]

fuck this shit. i thought ojt can get you off my mind but noooo there will always be some thought that will eventually lead to you even when i’m not really meaning to think about you. i hate this. i hate that you just suddenly don’t want to talk to me. i know i’m not the best in keeping a convo going but don’t i deserve a little respect by you just saying/ messaging me that you don’t want this? that you wanna end this?? i’m so messed up. i’m trying to be chill but i’m really not. fu ck. you don’t seem to notice and that’s fucking shit. i really really really want to message you but i don’t wanna waste my time messaging you if you’re just not gonna reply. i know we only communicate these past few months because we wanna see each other/get laid but fuck. come on. i need some fucking assurance here. or just fucking say you don’t want this. i know i should be assuming that you really don’t want this but you just said you won’t leave me hanging without saying anything but why did it lead to this?? why did you suddenly leave me hanging?? or seem like you left me hanging? it’s been more than a month but fucking shit dude. you’re still burrowed in my fucking mind god dammn it. I WANNA FUCKING MESSAGE YOU WTH IS WRONG WITH ME. FUCKKKK.

[arschgrobbler]

don’t be too attached

yup.. bad idea to let yourself be attached. i’ve been trying not to seem too clingy by these month but there wasn’t a day that i hadn’t torture myself thinking if i should message you, invite you somewhere, end things with you, talk to you about us again, or play scenarios in my mind either things that had already happened (good or bad) between us or things that i intend to do or might happen after all this mess i’m making in my mind. it’s like you’re not really leaving my mind but there are just times that the thought of you is too intense and there are times that it’s just chill but still... i.can’t.get.you.out.of.my.system. this long vacation with me doing nothing is not helping with this shit. i know, before my vacation, we didn’t leave on good terms but i’ve apologized for it and i guess we’re okay??. it’s just after those moments, i felt that we’re really drifting away and you’re still not replying to my messages. i mean i know they’re not more important than your acads but still i feel like a yes or no answer is not time consuming. god i hate feeling like this. the moment i decided let go and be attached is the moment i thought would be a good experience since i’m letting myself feel things but noooo it’s giving me this anxiety that i don’t know how to shake off. fuck. keeping myself from messaging you everyday is killing me. like i’m trying to bury the desire to do it but shit it comes back up surprising my “peaceful” mind. i really like you. with the flaws and all. i just wish you would be more sensitive. i don’t want to end things but i don’t know how long i can handle the mental torture this thing gives me. :((

[arschgrobbler]

I really like this girl but nothing interesting is happening between us. I mean sure we’re dating and all but then it feels like she’s not that into me. The only interesting story I can tell is that we’re both getting laid but we’re not just about getting laid unless we’re fubu but no, I made it clear that I want this to be serious and not some casual thing but it kind of is becoming like that and i hate it. i don’t even know if she likes me or just putting up with me because i’m the one who’s actually there with her. i’m always the one going to her place. i mean no complaints and i feel like it’s more convenient for her because she needs to study and focus and i think she can do that better in her own place. i’m just thinking sometimes if she might wanna do it my place some other to somehow let her in my world and that one of her issues last time but then she backed out when she suggested staying in my place one night. i insisted but then yeah of course id wanna force her. she’s been in my place only 3 times in our whole 4 months of dating. we meet once a week. sometimes twice. i just don’t know. is she into me? ‘cause i know i am. it’s just that we can’t connect on some things. our bonding time’s mostly when do school stuff. and as a shy and quiet person, i only have a long convo with her when it’s just the two of us in the room or the two of us awake. i have conditioned myself to just be quiet and keep things to myself and not actually think about something to talk about with her because idk she’s studying, i don’t wanna disturb her or her because her roommates are there and i don’t wanna be judged. damn it. i’m just thinking too much. again. i’m just not taking risks and idk howww shit.

[arschgrobbler]

flow

i don’t even know myself. i don’t know what i really want from this life. i mean, sure, i want to graduate, get a decent and stable job as a computer engineer, help my family into whatever luxury they want from this but what do I want??? What do I really want? I’m too lazy to think of the career I want to pursue in the future. Maybe, circumstance made me this way. I’m just starting thesis next term. i’m just going with the flow. letting it just put into whatever place I would be. Would i want the destination? does it even matter? should i just let it carry me somewhere? or should i take control??? but how? i’m still inside my own mind. i’m still in this box. i don’t know when i’ll come out. i still wouldn’t take risks. god what the hell, right??? i’m still too safe. too calculated. too boring for anyone. too useless. i’m still not moving. literally. metaphorically. i’m always open-ended. but shouldn’t we all be??? tho i don’t think being open-ended works for me. it doesn’t get me anywhere. i’m lost. still lost.

[arschgrobbler]

i’m scared of myself now more than ever. this has got to stop. “no strings attached” really is made for me. i should remind myself of this phrase everytime i encounter intimacy. woah.

[arschgrobbler]

drunk me is slutty me if i gave into it. damn.

[arschgrobbler]

trying to hide this feeling of dread and trying to escape this emptiness by seeking for attention from them but they just get annoyed so i guess i’ll just face this shit and be drowned by it. 

i’m thinking of the window which can now be fully opened. there’s only one idea coming to mind and it’s not something fun but it might be comforting after it’s done. it can end shit like this. it can end feeling like this. 

i wish i just sink and be swallowed by the ground. 

[arschgrobbler]

i get so attention seeking when i’m drunk. maybe, because i’m comfortable with them and i’m attached. maybe deep down, i want that attention. not the center of attention but at least some attention to make me feel like i’m interesting, valuable. i guess i’m this lonely soul wanting to feel something. these past few years have been like San Junipero to me. i wanna feel something ‘cause it seems like i’m floating and i’m not really here HERE. every interaction and fun thing i do feel like an escape from all the things i’m frustrated about. it works, it really does feel like it but in reality it doesn’t. i still can’t escape the feeling of dread. the feeling of just wanting to die for it to end once and for all. i don’t even know if it will end but then all commitments, all uncertainties, all the responsibility that i’m so anxious to face, all the disappointments that i foresee in the future may be gone when i die. i hate myself. i drown myself with alcohol to just not think about what i should be doing in this life or what i should have done in this life. sometimes, i wish all of them catches me with all my lies and hypocrisy . i wish everything will just be exposed and people will start to beat me. stab me. kill me. but then what the hell, i wake up and think that it’s so much chaos and when i survive, i’d get embarrassed as fuck. i am so indecisive even in this fucking matter. do i really want to be expose or not? do i really care or not? so i just beat myself internally. like beat myself to death internally. should i just do self harming? but scars will appear and they’ll discover what i’m doing. maybe i could do it at some hidden parts of my body. god, what am i thinking? i’ve done it already, though no blood’s involved, just bruises and it’s not that painful. maybe i’ll try hurting parts that are more sensitive???? FUCK THIS SHIT

[arschgrobbler]

why do i go with them. why do i drink. i guess maybe because there’s really nothing to do when i don’t go with them, like i guess it’s because i’ll just get bored alone at that moment. maybe, i want to meet people and have fun after a few days of dull routine in school. but most of all, maybe, because i get interesting when i’m tipsy/drunk. i get to say what’s really on my mind. i get to express myself and open up to people and get the conversation going for once. i guess some of my frustrations are getting filled up by the alcohol. and it’s just nice to not overthink sometimes. it’s nice to just let it out for good.

[arschgrobbler]

dear diary,

i broke down again. and what’s shitty is that it’s just a minor event. 

kill me now. 

sincerely,

me