just artax

I'm tired leave me alone. ADULT

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Please.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Please don't die in my sleep.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Guilt tastes like dead fish, and I can't take the smell out of my hands.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I'll miss you so much buddy. I'll love you forever.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Just don't. If you would think in any way of me just don't. Please. Please.

How to be this fucking husk anymore. I don't even know. How to go on when all your being is invalid?

I don't even try to write anymore, this unending torment of trying to improve, but all you hear are grunts of horror. The skin of the fingers of my soul is corroded. The fake mask that pulled all together is not worth relying on anymore. Even if I try to go up, all I do is slide back down because what's the point in losing all the underlying sensation of identity of oneself? All I think I am, all I thought I was, all I think I will ever be is just wrong.

Just observe because it is all I have got.

Don't you say I'm the one I want to lose.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I'm not a stranger to this feeling.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Deep down, I knew art university wouldn't work for me. I still grieve the "what could have been" but not in a way of progress in my paintings (that it works in some way), more like in a way of esteem.

I can't even consider myself an artist now because I lack the romantic sensation I once had about the process of painting. I was more of an artist when I started to draw anatomy slops than whatever I am able to do right now. Is what I consider a never developed style.

I would need to lock in to achieve whatever my pure self was once aiming to. But to think back to giving up the study of fine arts is just something I hold onto to make excuses and just not keep trying to improve what made me happy in the first place.

When I look at my current ""finished"" paintings I just get a bittersweet feeling of wanting to do something actually good or just give up because I can only achieve bullshit currently.

I guess it's easier to make up excuses. I really wanna keep trying, uhg.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Flesh sucks.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I always failure in Volition.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I guess I don't care anymore who stays and who leaves. Up to you.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I'm just really tired of talking. My body succumbs to the desire of shutting down. The chemical smell of paints and cigarettes keeps me up.

But I'm tired of arguing with myself so much. Don't you hear the voices of your inside?Why do I even reply?

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

72h in bed sounds better than it feels. I need to get my shit together.

I probably need a shower too.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I hate people talking about someone else scars even if its positive, just shut up.

If you want to talk and show them so fucking much just wound yourself and show it to everyone.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I sometimes wish death upon people because they are inconvenient.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

Sometimes is so fucking annoying to have expectations anyhow. The neverending feeling of neglect is tiring.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

I really like having a small text blog, not having thousand notes and staying true with what I say and think.

I sometimes miss the distraction of talking to people, but I don't really care much.

[artaxxxxxxxxxxx]

#I didn't sleep yesterday and my eyes look like two big hemorrhoids now.