When it comes to sexual assault, we are failing. Case in point, the rape trial unfolding which involves young teens at St. Paul’s Boarding School in Concord, NH.
Below are quotes taken from a recent article of The New York Times detailing the now 16-year-old girl’s account of what transpired between her and the defendant, who was 18 at the time. Some come directly from the girl’s testimony. Others are written by the journalist. I think you’ll be able to distinguish between voices just fine, but please do read the article itself to better understand the context and the case itself.
We Are Failing Our Daughters
“I tried to be as polite as possible.”
“I wanted to not cause a conflict.”
“…she worried about offending him…”
“I was telling myself, ‘O.K., that was the right thing to do, you were being respectful.’”
“I thought, I’m at St. Paul’s right now, this is graduation weekend, I cannot be dramatic about this.”
We are failing our daughters when we only teach them to be “good girls.” Manners and niceties are utterly meaningless when they aren’t reciprocated. Indeed, they can even be dangerous when they aren’t reciprocated. We must empower our daughters and foster their strength, their voice, their wisdom.
Don’t teach girls to be “good.” Good is a matter of opinion. Teach them what is right and wrong–and not only in the sense of what they do to others, but also with regards to what others do to them.
I give thanks that this young girl did eventually work her way pass what she felt might be “dramatic” and was empowered enough to come forward.
“It was all a sign of the growing interest in the case against Mr. Labrie, a former star student who earned a scholarship to St. Paul’s and had been headed to Harvard until the young girl came forward with her accusations.”
Once again the media talks up the privileged defendant, this “former star student.” The girl, on the the other hand, is only painted as “victim” under the light of “she said.”
Tell me about this young woman. Tell me about how her future was promising until the young man attacked her. And then tell me about how her future is still promising because she’s young, resilient, and courageous. That it’s still promising because she’s surrounded by people who believe her and who support her.
This trial is in process, but if the defendant is found guilty it will be his fault that he’s no longer headed to Harvard. Place blame where it belongs.
“The senior salute, in which, they have suggested, some boys compete to have sexual encounters with as many people as possible. It is one of many rituals at the school that encourage hierarchy, according to alumni, and Mr. Labrie told the police he had been actively engaged in the tradition, trying to ‘score’ and win.”
“Crying on the stand here, she described the sex acts she said he performed, saying he spit on her, and called her a tease.”
When it comes to preventing sexual assault, we cannot only educate our daughters. If we only put the onus of sexual violence prevention on those who are typically victimized we fall short of true prevention. Additionally, when we only educate our daughters on “how to not get raped” we deny that our sons can be victimized, too. If we only speak to our daughters, this incredibly important conversation is over before it can even begin. That is not a preventative mentality. That is a mentality that nothing can be done to stop our sons from raping, sexually assaulting, sexually abusing, or sexually harassing. You know, “boys will boys.”
This “approach” works about as good as it would to tell trees to not get burned when a wild fire is ripping through a forest.
Alas, it seems that far too often girls receive a message of submission and boys a message of conquest. Girls are object. Boys are subject. So we shouldn’t be surprised that, when it comes to sex, girls often become the means for a boy to conquer and a mere thing to spit on.
Yes, we shouldn’t be surprised given our common culture. But we should be outraged. We should be outraged because we should want more for our sons. We should be outraged because our sons deserve more.
And, clearly, our daughters deserve more, too.
We must move beyond reducing our daughters to bodies and our sons to bodily urges. We must truly educate on what healthy and consensual sex is and what relationship looks like. We must do this in our homes, our schools, our churches–in all places of community–and in our media.
Please note: While I wrote about sexual assault in the context of this article, which is a female victim and a male perpetrator, males can be and are victims of sexual assault. Additionally, females can be and are perpetrators of sexual assault. In no way am I trying to paint a broad picture that only females are victims and only males are perpetrators.
