Krissy

22-year-old writer quarantined in her own head

[artisthetic]

You made this for me back when we were together

and you were right. You're nothing without me.

[artisthetic]

may.

May was a wild ride

So wild, I caught a bullet

I've been dodging for years

It went in deep, leaving me in tears

I failed to the see the sun rise

After basking in it for weeks

The night has been nothing but dark

And as days pass, into my skin, it creeps

Then a door opened for me

It beamed from the outside

I walked straight into it, marching even

Only to be set on one side

I watch two monsters

Eating each other's heads

I stand frozen in the middle

Hoping I don't end up dead

I grabbed a brush

Painting my way out

A light shone itself upon me

Freeing me of fear and doubt

Cameras flash

And the crowd gathers

Waffles and coffee are on the table

The world shatters

With chest heavy and hands red,

I pick up every part

May was a wild fucking ride

But it's only the start

[artisthetic]

It's not sacrifice

Nor compromise

If it means keeping you

A part of my life

[artisthetic]

impatience

it’s so tempting to leave the comfort of silence and predictability to set sail and explore the seas of adventure bask in the sun feeling free, like your long lost self realize you’ve been holding yourself back for years and years it feels so warm, the wind on your face the tides are so strong their presence is unquestionable it’s scary but thrilling that you even giggle in anticipation it’s just a vacation, you think until it swallows you in whole letting your eyes burn in saline and your body freeze in the cold suddenly, you miss the pond simple as it may seem you just float in it without fear not even a hint of excitement after all, you grew from a little girl splashing to a woman who sunbathes so what use is a pond? nothing but a waste until your skin meets the sea and you slowly turn to dust as what once was exciting eventually turned your boat to rust by then you could only look back at the days you floated in the pond so quiet and predictable offering little to no fun if only you waited for its lilies to start blooming all the blush and the yellows incomparable and new if only you didn’t go out looking for a fever dream come true you’d find out that all along summer was with you.

[artisthetic]

Payapa

Pagmulat ay iba ang init ng araw sa aking balat. Labis ang sinag, tila tanghali na sa maagang alasyete ng umaga. Mayroong kaunting hapdi ngunit may dalang ginhawa. Dinala ko ang aking sarili sa salamin, hinayaang mamutawi ang ilang salita mula sa aking mga labi, hinihiling na sa lumipas na ilang mga linggo ay memoryado ko na ang mga ito.

Malabo ang mga susunod na pangyayari. Tila lumulutang ang aking kaluluwa nang ilang oras at bumaba na lamang itong muli sa lupa matapos kong itali ang sintas ng aking mga sapatos bago ako tumungo sa sasakyang nagpaalala sa akin sa kabang aking nadarama.

Buong biyahe ay nakadungaw ako sa bintana at habang papalapit ako sa aking destinasyon ay unti-unting naiibsan ang pagkabalisa. Sa bawat puno ng pinong nadaraanan ay mas nagigising ang aking diwa. Nasilayan ko rin ang mag-asawang nagbebenta ng malalaking bentilador na hugis bulaklak sa may tabi ng kalye. At hindi rin mapagkakaila ang ganda ng lawang tanaw mula sa kahit anong anggulo.

Pagsapit ng tanghali, ang araw ay nagtago sa likod ng mga ulap. Oras naman ito upang ako ang humarap sa daigdig. Bumaba ang sasakyan sa rampang matarik at kasabay ng kalampag ng gulong sa bakal na alulod ang pagkabog ng puso ko sa aking dibdib.

Lumakad ako tungo sa silid na tinatago ng dalawang malalawak na pintong kahoy. Tumingin ako sa bahagi ng sahig na alam kong katatayuan niya maya-maya bago ako tinawag upang maghanda na sa likod ng gusali.

Matapos ang ilang mga paalalang hindi ko naintindihan buhat ng dami ng aking iniisip, pinalakad na ako sa aking nakatakdang pwesto. Mula sa aking kinatatayuan ay kita ko ang mga taong nahahandang magsiawit sa ikalawang palapag. Sa pagbaba ng aking mga mata ay sinilayan ko naman mula sa kanan tungo sa kaliwa ang mga taong nakaharap sa akin, sumesenyas at bumubulong ng mga salitang na hindi ko maintidihan.

Tinago ko na lamang sa likod ng aking mga ngiti ang gulo sa aking isip habang dinudukot ang panyong nakatago sa aking bulsa. Bagama’t dala ko iyon upang punasan ang aking pawis, kinuha ko ito upang ngatain nang sa gayon ay mabawasan ang aking mga pangangamba. Agad ito kinuha ng matalik kong kaibigan sa aking tabi bago ako pinaalalahanang kumalma.

Lulutang na muli ang aking kaluluwa bago ako nagising ng malakas na kulog kasabay ang biglaang pagbukas ng dalawang mabibigat na pintong gawa sa kahoy. Mabilis na dumilim ang kalangitang tila mga imaheng nakapinta sa bintana at agad sinundan ng dahan-dahang pagbuhos ng ulan.

Subalit sa pagdilim ng kalangitan ay lumiwanag ang silid nang dumating na siya. Mula sa kanyang puting mga sneakers, tungo sa kanyang simpleng bistidang pinintahan ng bulaklak ang paanan, hanggang sa maliliit na dilaw at puting bulaklak na kanyang kapit, naramdaman kong napawi ang lahat ng aking pag-aalinlangan. At nang sa wakas ay masilayan ko ang mukha niyang nakasuklob sa punting belo, naramdaman ko muli ang init ng araw sa kabila ng malakas na pag-ulan, naalala ko ang ginhawang naghihintay sa akin sa pagtatapos ng araw at sa segundong iyon, natangpuan ko ang kapayapaan.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

If you accidentally hurt someone or cross their boundaries and they make you aware of this, literally all you have to do is apologize and stop. You don't have to beat yourself up internally for months. You don't have to hate yourself for fucking up. You don't have to feel like a horrible person. No one benefits from any of that - and at worst, such an extreme reaction will make the person in question less likely to speak up around you in the future, cause even if your negative reaction is directed at yourself and not at them, it's still unpleasant for everyone involved.

[artisthetic]

enchanted

the dwarves are outlived by fairies soaring in the night pixie dust falling, making each and everything set flight

the forest is a magical place stockholm syndrome will keep you in but those longing for freedom fail to eventually give in

the cat could see the light at the very end of the line of trees revealing more roads and stone shelters, less roaring lions and buzzing bees

comfort would cradle the cat outside pampered with bags of catnip and a litter box yet that would mean leaving magic behind including a honey-tongued fox

near the light, the cat and the fox laid on fallen leaves on the forest floor as the fox asks if the cat would run, she says "this forest has everything i want, and more"

the cat takes the fox's hand whose body is filled with regret knowing that he was a wildling holding back a beloved house pet

but the cat nods to her fairy friends their feet are then lifted from the ground she leads the fox beyond the trees allowing him to look around

"with the power i hold, i could go back" the dust on the cat's feet deeming it true "but it's not the magic that keeps me here nor is it the flowers nor the trees,

it's you."

[seravph]

the rise of ‘aesthetics’ as a common way to describe literally every facet of yourself is like the most destructive thing I’ve seen on social media this shit is crazy. it is the most beauty obsessed thing in such a subtle and evil way.... it goes down to the books you read the chicness of your clutter the music you listen to how you decorate your water bottle like literally every single thing you do is scrutinized and defined into egirl or cottagecore or dark academia or vapor wave or baddie or whatever and it just forces you to quantify yourself and criticize every thing you do without break ..... am I sitting down in an effortlessly cute way? Is the mess on my bedside table whimsical? Is my shampoo luxurious and glamorous? And it’s all just a way to sell shit and profit off of your insecurity!!!!!! You watch yourself from an outside perspective, making sure you’re not just beautiful but you fit exactly into whatever box you strive to belong to, and it leaves no room for mistakes!!!! You can’t be embarrassing or cringey or gross or ugly unless it’s in an ironic way that fulfills a meta identity that is also quantifiable. Everybody has a uniform now that they’re trying to fit into. If you take care of plants you’re cottagecore if you play video games and like pastels you’re an e girl if you like sweaters and reading (classic white people books only!!!) then you’re dark academia you’re tailoring every single aspect of yourself and isn’t it tiring????? Isn’t procuring yourself tiring????? I’m going to rip a phone book in half

[artisthetic]

there are times when i feel so angry at you that i wanna break up with you, because i dont want my present to be with you. but then i think of how my dreams are like and all of them have you in them now, even the ones i had before i had you. and i think that even when i dont feel like i want you in my present, i'm still so sure i want you in my future and that's why i never leave. because i cant think of sharing my dreams with anyone else but you.

— words in my head i was finally able to voice out

[artisthetic]

i'd rather go through the sad days with you than trade them for happy days with anyone else.

[artisthetic]

Better days ahead.

[artisthetic]

I used to think that love was this grand thing with music playing in the background all the time, with spontaneous dates and always being in sync with your partner.

That was until you taught me that love would be fighting in the middle of the night over a stupid little thing, making up as one laughs over the other person crying and dancing slowly to a beat that isn’t even there. Love is just presence, through good and bad. It doesn’t always have to be big but the smallest amount of it can make the grandest difference

[artisthetic]

everyday december

you feel like december the freedom that comes with the holidays the peace from singing christmas carols the joy displayed on every child's face

you look like christmas lights the ones making nights seem brighter the strings that give life to dead trees the spirit that makes people want to be kinder 

you sound like church bells the ringing during simbang gabi the music that makes you reflect on who you are and makes you wonder who you want to be 

you really feel like december, the winter breeze bringing everyone cheer  in the middle of august, you still feel like the most wonderful time of the year

[artisthetic]

The Beatles: Album 6, Track 11

When his hair’s a mess And his shirt’s all wrinkled I stare at his tiny grin And his eyes subtle crinkles

I have no idea why But each day I fall more and more For the one who showers at one And calls me up randomly at four

He picks his nose Puts his finger in his ear He does disgusting things You wouldn’t want to hear

But as I see this side The imperfect, the flawed, the real It’s insane and outrageous But love is all I feel

I can’t even help but smile Because I’m a mad woman Staring at a man watching Aladdin Trying to hold in what I can

But it spills-- the affection He loves me, he swore I can only hope that it’s real Because in my life, I love him more

[artisthetic]

05082020: lolololol

In the hours of terror When monsters lurk When the air turns cold And my mind goes to work

I look at the void in front of me And find peace in the empty zone As the absence of light Still assures me I’m not alone

My grasp on the pillow tightens And all the while it seems to do the same As I go on pretending, I doze off Whispering nothing but your name

The same as the darkest hours I spend more time alone than with you But in the midst of loneliness, Your presence in me remains true

And that’s how I’ll answer your million-dollar question Whether I’d care or not if you left Most likely I wouldn’t, for even when you do I’d still be too into you that I might forget

Then slowly sorrow would creep in When I realize that the absence isn’t just physical Little by little my sanity would disappear And at everything I would once again be cynical

When the nightmares haunt me And the screen’s actually blank I would still try not to care As I pretend it’s all a prank

Until eventually, I find out it’s not And you’re no longer with me I’d care enough to beg, to plead For I don’t know how I would set you free

I don’t care if I don’t see you Although it’s better when I do But regardless if I do or not I’m better off knowing that I still have you 

[artisthetic]

05052020: gratitude

Thank you for choosing me today For sharing the good, the bad, the ugly Several weeks after we’ve parted ways That day you last held me so tightly

Thank you for choosing to stay Despite the overwhelming highs The frequent depressing lows And the mess I have for a life

Thank you for loving me in every way Even with the growing number of barriers The prolonging agony of distance And the threats around us getting scarier

Thank you for spitting the right words to say Though my eyebrows meet more often than not My smiles are scarce, my tone offensive And my head constantly hot

Thank you for every single day Even if it’s not what we’re dreaming of I hope even when it gets harder I’d still be the one you love

[artisthetic]

05032020: cloudgazing

The night sky never fails To pique the interest of all With stars and the moon shining Immediately after the dusk falls

Just like other writers I turned it into my muse Associating it with every man Who left me scarred and bruised

For like the stars, they’re ghosts Living merely in my head Leaving me be at daytime Then haunting me at night in bed

With the darkness absent And the sun on its peak “I love looking at the clouds” Out of nowhere, he speaks

By the window, I peer upward Looking at the wispy display in the sky On the phone, he shows me the cotton That has been catching his tired eyes

“You see, sometimes they’re from there Coming from you then moving towards me. On other days, they’re from here Then flying there for you to see”

“Reminds us how small the world is, huh?” I asked with a thought at the back of my head Telling me how at night, the stars say otherwise “It’s small, yeah. I wish it was tinier instead.”

If it meant being next to you, so do I But as of now, the clouds will have to do For when we fail to travel the distance They still help me find my way back to you