I’ve seen a lot of my friends open up over the last few days about being in emotionally and physically abusive relationships as part of the #WhyIStayed movement.
I’ve always been vocal about my history with an abuser, and while I carried a deep shame from that part of my life for many years, a shame instilled in me by him, I fought every day to get out of the shadow of his influence, and I won. One of the things that helped was volunteering at a woman’s shelter. Helping others through my experience, and learning I was not alone in them, helped me grow and battle my own demons. Having watched people I care about go through what I did, and so much worse, only fueled me to share my story when others felt they couldn’t open up. And I’ve been thinking lately about finding a local woman’s shelter and volunteering my time and my shoulder for those who need it. This of course applies to friends most of all.
Why did I stay? I didn’t think I was worth anything to anyone, but I knew most of all I was worthless to myself. He worked to isolate me from my friends, created environments where I was seen as crazy and out of control, would go to online forms I frequented, or that my friends did, and post evils and untruths about me, preying on my insecurities. And at the end of the day, he made sure I knew he was the only person who would ever love me. No, worse, the only person who would even put up with me.
But my story isn’t about why I stayed. It’s about why I left.
I may not have thought I was worth much at the time. But I knew I was worth more than what he made me out to be. I was worth more than him.
I want to see all these people who have survived the horrors of an abusive relationship talking about why they left, too. Show others that there is a way out. You can escape from that life. We stay in abusive relationships for generally the same, terrifying, reasons. But why we leave them shows our personal resilience and ability to overcome great odds. The stories of freeing ourselves and finding our identity after having them brutally ripped from us need to be shared as well as finding solidarity with those who stay on. So when you post about why you stayed, follow up with why you left. Let others know there is a way out of the darkness.
#WhyILeft? I was worth it.
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