a diary @aseedofhappiness - Tumblr Blog

goal of the day: untangle my feelings

i am tired. i need to be held.

what if i just simply need to stop fighting and accept my loneliness and the fact that people i’ve been investing in can’t give back

yet when i imagine that. when i stop clinging to that idea. i feel absolutely shattered. oh how i wish things were different. i wish i stopped wasting my time crying in coffee shops. pouring my heart out, spitting my feelings out. as if it would make one stronger and encourage them to step up. as if a six month worth of such ted talks did anything. as if i would feel better staring at one sitting there wrecked and not able to say a word. oh well fuck me! fuck me!!!!!

i feel like i need to fight for people to see me. like i am a ghost that needs to scream and throw things around for people to acknowledge my existence. like i am simply a warm puff of wind in most people’s lives.

i am here - feels nice - and then i am gone

and no one really appreciates or sees me. as if i am merely a tool for others’ needs fulfillment

maybe one day

it won’t feel like torture

or like existing

or like “i’m ok but”

maybe one day the world will turn around

and be fair to my kind heart

it’s been hard being on earth lately y’all

cars on the street come in waves. shh-moving past me-sshhh-away.

my heart is pounding. i’ve been journaling for the past hour, trying to figure my conflict by myself and with myself since it’s all about my pain

yelling and growling resulted in a sore throat. i’m pmsing. haven’t finished my thesis yet. deadline is in less then a week. mourning over a broken relationship. feeling so uptight and judgmental and want to cry and cry and be back in time. no one knows except for one person who cannot help me. the only one whose love would comfort the shit out of my soul. i feel so unworthy and helpless.

i wonder how people ever let go. i have no idea what needs to be done in order for a love bond to be ruined. i get it when you don’t put your energy towards it. yet how can one stop feeling shit in a real love bond ? wasn’t it real in the first place?

yeah people change and stuff. love bond does too and i believe it’s build around the essences of one’s involved so it just can’t be because of that. so i guess the bond gets ruined by someone not willing to figure out why they feel a certain way and making the bond work again

#shitposting #i’m mentally unwell