Writing Sees No Borders

[ashendery]

May we all find success in the path we believe we will grow

May the fear be replaced with courage

May the hardships, sacrifices, and tears be worth it

May our best be enough

May we end this year on a good note

Sana maka pasa!

[ashendery]

Skinny is pretty

That's what they always say

I used to be pretty

That's now what they say

I am now reduced

Into this horrid being

For no longer being

Skinny

I don't even look fat

Just became healthy

They kind of broke me

Little by little

Joke by joke

Healthy advices that crushed the last shard of confidence in my body

Will i be lovely

When i go back

To when i was skin and bones

Does this extra flesh make me so unlovable

That you would mention it

Again

And

Again

Like a broken record

How many times

Do i need

To build myself up

Just for it to be destroyed

You make it impossible to even try

Maybe it's not the weight

Maybe it's me

[ashendery]

48 to 52

The worst bullies are family

We share the same blood

Wear similar faces

But hate each other oh so quietly

I dread going home

Seeing relatives and friends

It would be bullying

In the guise of seeing each other again

College has made me question life

Made me surprised that i lived

Food was the only comfort

But surely it was shortlived

Yes I became heavier

Heavier than last year

I gained weight

Even gained so much fear

Yeah it doesn't look nice

But my version of healthy will never be pretty to you

Guess what?

I only started to hate my body

When you told me to

They loved me so much at 48

But never at 52

All these hypocrites saying to love yourself

Until they're looking at you

[ashendery]

you remind me of summer rain

where i would gladly let the sky hover over

with my arms wide open

you were so beautiful

so darn beautiful

but how could you

turn into ruin

and blame me

for only loving you the way i know

for leaving because i can't be what you want

i'm not quite cut out for that beautiful loving future

i crave chaos and you are simply bland

a blank slate

an empty space

waiting for me to stain you

as proof that you were mine

as messed up as i am

i want this chaos in my mind and not anywhere near you

i hate how you betrayed me

and hid in sheeps clothing

you were everything they said you were

my mind is a mess.

you are a mess

we both are

we are horrible for each other

[ashendery]

There is a dull ache in my heart

When I visit places we used to love

Places where we fell in love

And the last place where we went to

Before we fell apart

I didn't know better at 19 than I did at 22

Is it too late to say that

It's still you

I am sorry

For not knowing how to love

In a way that's grand

A way for you to understand

I want you back but I can't

So I look for you in places

That has the trace of your hands

I look for you in other people

Tried to find you in their version of love

Only for it to be not enough

Years

It will now be 3

I can't believe you have already moved on

You can finally live a life without me

I love you, Ramen

I still do

So I write in this corner

Where no one knows you

-Ash

[thepersonalquotes]

[ashendery]

piece of shit

i asked you why you kissed me

i asked the intention behind the action

that was so foreign it riled me up

only for you to let me down

you greeted me with silence

the glimmer of hope

 in me died

at the realization that you do not want me

that you kept me in arms reach

because you couldn’t have her

that i am second best

and she isn’t next to anyone

you do not want me

but you love the love

i was showering you

that was it

i will never suffice

i will only be seen as convenient

only as a friend that you wanted to fuck

but never got to

i wear my heart on my sleeve

i genuinely asked 

where do i stand in your life

i sounded so deperate it was sickening

i am nothing

simply a phase

that you had 

because she did not choose you

[ashendery]

You remove her initials on your wrist

And replace it with mine

But its too late

I already gave up

I can't do it anymore

At least not with you

[ashendery]

bub, i really did love you.

even when it felt so wrong

i love you so much that it hurts

but i cant do it anymore 

i can’t hurt more than this

so please throw me away

because i cant walk away

even when u dont want me

my friends all hate you

for what u did

they curse your name

and I defend you

for killing my heart

i defend you for every wrong thing that you did

and still doing

I dont want to write you anymore

i dont want you to take space in my mind

my heart

and the  tips of my finger

as it unconsciously writes your name

i love you

i hate  you

how could you

do that to me

when all i did was love you

even the  most cruelest parts

[ashendery]

I am tired bub

of you

you kill the best of me

and I can’t even

hate you

for wrecking me 

the way you did

[ashendery]

may 29

hey, its me again

relapse after relapse

you rile me up like a drug

and I, a pitiful addict

would ruin myself

just to get enough of you

i don’t mind

going through another train wreck

you can even kill me

over and over

even then I would still love you

I would still love you

all of you

even when you don’t want me

[ashendery]

I was afraid to write you

I didn't want to immortalize the pain on paper

I thought with you it would be different

It would be better

Because I felt it

The connection

But maybe it was just something you do best

You can connect with everyone

It was just me assuming

That maybe what we had was a bit special.

[ashendery]

I believed you when you said you were over her

I believed you when you sealed that premise with a kiss

I believed you as I lay on your arms and feel the subtle beat of our hearts

Thinking that it was finally in sync

Did the laughter, intimacy, and everything else related to me

Not matter?

Then as if nothing happened

You run back to her

Then tell me all about it

Like we did not connect at some point

How could you rile me up

Then leave me

Then make me feel like it was my fault.

May 17

[ashendery]

When he said he missed you

He was with me

We were wrapped in each others arms

Showering each other kisses

We would hide under the duvet

Speak of things that you will never hear

Yet of all the things said

I never got to hear the words that were soley for you

As I exclaimed my love

He never said "I love you too."

I grimace as he talks about loyalty

How could he say he loves you

While he was just kissing me

Then it dawned to me

How heartbreakingly similary we are

The only difference is that I'm near

Whilst you are terribly far

Tried to keep me in arms reach

Because he can't touch you

I was a fill in of your absence

And I was willing to go lower if I had to

My heart aches terribly

He goes back to you

He was willing to leave me

[ashendery]

How many mistakes do I still have to make

To realize that you do not like me

I have sunken into the lowest of the low.

[ashendery]

March 28

Welp I failed.

[ashendery]

March 21

Tired. I should keep my distance. You are bad for me. I need to stop.